If there's one common trait shared by all mommyjackers, it's not knowing when the time is right to mention their kids. In some cases, mommyjackers are just caught up in their own little bubble and ignorant to their hijacking ways, but in others, you have to wonder if they felt a twinge of doubt after posting their obviously off-topic comment. A good rule of thumb for me to distinguish the two is if the mommyjacker sounds like someone plugging their upcoming album release. If you sound like Macy Gray looked at the 2001 MTV VMAs, you've taken things too far. No one needs up-to-the-minute updates from their pregnant friends anyway (sorry, pregnant friends), but it's especially weird when those updates are written in the form of mommyjacked comments on other people's posts. You would think the person would step back and go, "Huh. Maybe I should write my *own* status update about my pregnancy / baby's first birthday / toddler's favorite dinosaur and let my friend remained focused on that other thing," but no, they don't, and that's what makes them so entertaining.
Parents who don't realize they sound like obnoxious name-droppers are endlessly amusing. Have you ever had lunch with someone who name drops like it's their job? It's usually a person so obsessed with status, she can't imagine any other story or anecdote nearly as amusing as one that mentions Bradley Cooper. That's how parents can sound about their own children, unaware that their miniature status symbols are only of utmost importance to them. Consider the way people reacted when Kim Kardashian held her crying toddler on her lap at Fashion Week. She was surrounded by other parents who hadn't brought their children (as babies) to Fashion Week, like Beyonce and Jay Z, Puff Daddy, and the tight-lipped Anna Wintour, who quietly communicated her distaste without so much as taking off her sunglasses. Bringing "Nori" to Fashion Week might have seemed like a great idea, but it wasn't; it was disastrous, and everyone else attending who had kids already knew that. They didn't need their children to be their status symbols. They were just happy to represent themselves.
A lot of parents do some version of this on social media. Rather than stay engaged with whatever their friend has posted about, they take the opportunity to remind their friend of their parenting status. I've also read enough excruciating "mommy blog" posts to know that parents often forgive themselves of this online crime by believing it means they're better parents. The more they're able to work their kids into (off-topic) conversations, the more people will know how excited, blessed, overjoyed, humbled, and grateful they are to be the best mommy in the world. Who could fault them for that??!
Hmmm. Me. I could. I have (many times), and I will again. Today, let's take a look at mommyjackers who will never, ever let their friends forget that they're having a baby -- "My baby drops in 7 months!" -- thus preparing everyone for their new role as Very Annoying Person On The Internet. Remember: If you're about to have a baby yourself, this behavior CAN be avoided! And after reading through today's examples, I think you'll know what not to do.
1. "Pre-Birthday" Greetings
Oh, hey, I was just looking at my calendar and realized your birthday is coming up soon! Happy PRE-BIRTHDAY, not just to you, but to my baby who will be born soon, as well! The person who submitted this said the friend's baby was scheduled to be delivered on J.'s birthday, and boy, was J. honored! Who wouldn't want to share a birthday with the child of a mother who always remembers to wish you and her baby a happy "pre-birthday" 8 whole days out?? So considerate!
2. Pomp And Circumstance
Julie seems like she's trying here. She says she's proud, she says she misses everyone, and that's fantastic, really. I believe her. But how about just letting Franny have what has been deemed her "big moment" without tossing in some gratuitous information about another big moment, regardless of what that moment is? A new baby, a job promotion, a cross-country move...none of these things need to be mentioned here, at this time, on this occasion. Just let Franny have her goddamn moment and we'll return to your regularly schedule pregnancy programming tomorrow, Julie.
3. Subtle Reminders
Ugh, Nicole. You're hardly even pregnant. Sure, your baby is a labor love like Jennifer's brother-in-law's wine business, but something tells me he's been working on his developing his business a littttttle bit longer than you've been developing your baby (though I have no way of knowing for sure). Rather than reading Jennifer's update and automatically internalizing it to be about you, how about just congratulating Jennifer and telling her you're going to pick up some bottles for friends? Or, god forbid, for yourself?
4. Babies Don't Give You Migraines
First of all, does Orange not think that maybe she was just on the wrong medication? Because if her migraines didn't go away until AFTER she stopped taking her medicine, maybe the medicine was the problem? Just a thought. Secondly, what the fuck, Orange? Your buddy Green (who has no kids and is just grateful for a full night's sleep without intense cranial pain) has used the words "seeing shooting stars and everything looked like it was shaking," and your response is, "Lol good call, thou I'm extremely excited to meet my little man"? Go away. You may not be experiencing migraines anymore, but trying to wrap my head around your version of 'friendship' is kinda causing me to get one. Also, the word "thou" is not shorthand for "though." If you want to be all "internet" you can write "tho," but unfortunately THOU is a word that is "now largely archaic, having been replaced in almost all contexts by 'you'." So maybe don't write that anymore, mama*.
*Is anything more annoying than people who constantly add "mama" to the end of sentences when addressing female friends? How come I never see men address each other as "daddy"? Oh, right, because that would be putting their role as a parent above them as people. Women do this so much more readily than men as a form of support or sisterhood, and it baffles me.
5. The Final Countown
R.'s last line would make so much more sense if B. already had kids...but he doesn't. No, instead he's just excited about embarking on his wedding cruise in a couple months, especially since it's so cold outside, and that's about it. R. is reaching here. She's not even really excited for him in return so much as applying his excitement to her own circumstances, which is dumb and selfish and something people tend to do internally rather than out loud on Facebook. Live and learn, I suppose. Doesn't matter how many stupid comments one makes, the impression Facebook friends are left with is always scary!
6. Yes, Ambir. Besides that.
I can only imagine the baby name a person named 'Ambir' will inflict on her child. Maybe something like Agitt, Garnit, or Kwarts. The gemstone doesn't fall far from the tree, y'all. And I think I speak for the entire internet when I say we are ALL over the "I grew a kid today, what did you do??" comments and status updates and mentions in real life. Yes, it is actually incredible that women are able to shower, go to work, go for a run, prepare dinner, and watch TV all while nourishing a developing fetus, but perhaps it should be more of a sense of personal fulfillment than a point of humblebraggadocio. Each pregnancy is indeed a special snowflake, but there are about a hundred million women who are pregnant at any given time around the world, according to a commenter named Beaker119 on Answers.com. So, is it amazing that women can grow babies? Yes! Amazing enough to warrant comments like Ambir's? No. If you're having a baby, mazel tov, your friends and family are thrilled for you! But they're mostly interested in other stuff, so please stop bringing it up.