STFU Parents: It’s Back To School Time On Facebook

It’s that time of year again! Everywhere you look, there’s a back-to-school sale or promotion, and my inbox overfloweth with school-related submissions. Because of the nature of STFU, Parents, I usually get a cross-section of submission topics that I use as a barometer to fully understand the current climate of parenting as it relates to education (and Facebook, of course). And let me tell you, we as people – and as adults raising young ones – have some work to do. If we’re not complaining about a teacher or our child not getting into a gifted program, then our kid is getting sent home for wearing improper clothing. It’s tough to be a parent these days, and even tougher to be a parent whose child excels in school. (And not just any school, mind you — the right school.) So today I thought I’d dedicate the column to some submissions I’ve received pertaining to all things scholastic, because it’s important to remember that there are many different kinds of parents out there, and not all of them are just like you.

Here are some examples:

1. The “Cool” Mom

The “Cool” Mom thinks the most important thing in life is to look awesome, and I use the definition of awesome loosely. Whether it’s dressing her daughter like a “hoochie mama” or dressing her son like a pants-around-his-knees thug, this mom’s main concern is not knowing whether her kids can name all the state capitals, but rather making sure everyone in school knows who looks fly.

2. The Complainer

This is a common type of submission lately due to the new school restrictions, and I find it sad to read. Without sounding too preachy, it’s a shame that there are parents whose kids consider wheat bread to be “inedible.” And it’s even more of a shame that those kids parents’ don’t invest as much time in helping their kids eat right and study as they do complaining about a sudden lack of midday cookies.

3. The Clueless Relative

Oh, Clueless Relative, why did you not learn how to spell in school? Why do you open your mouth and let the words spill out about something you know nothing about? Thanks for the laughs, but you might want to read up on certain topics before commenting on them.

4. The MommyJacker

There’s a mommyjacker for every subject (we already know that), and back-to-school is no exception. Who cares if Ally spilled her coffee all over her desk before diving into the work week? Elaine had to send her baby off to kindergarten!

5. Story Hour

Well, at least Dani is looking out for Landon’s interests. His Daddy is too proud to know when to stop telling stories about Landon’s experiences pooping in school. You just can’t stop a boastful dad from giving his kid props on Facebook for wiping his own ass.

6. The Mompetition

This is from April, but it’s still entirely relevant to today. Actually it’s pretty relevant for nearly any time of any year, because mompetitions have been going on for decades. Only now, moms like K. use the excuse that their daughters are “spoiled rotten” as a way to avoid putting them into academic programs that will challenge them. Er, they just take longer to “adjust”, that’s all! Thank goodness little Bella is still going to “the best” school and not that crummy other elementary school, amirite? Our babies deserve only the best.