Last week, the unrepentant 'Daily Mail' ran a story about a mother-of-six who posted a Facebook rant after unsuccessfully attempting to return a Coles-branded container of milk to Woolworths, which is an entirely different supermarket. She wrote:
"Not seeing the problem" with wanting to return milk to another purveyor may seem completely ridiculous—because it is—but to be fair, attitudes toward mothers who irrationally whine on Facebook have been shifting. Facebook used to be a platform where it wasn't necessarily common for users to bare all to their friends or drum up a chorus of support regarding personal conflicts, but today it's increasingly treated as a sounding board. Having a bad afternoon? Post about it on Facebook in explicit detail! Feeling pissed off at *certain* friends or relatives about *something* that those people may or may not even be aware of? Subshare your anger in a bizarre, passive-aggressive status update, because you deserve to speak your truth!
Complaining on Facebook certainly isn't a tendency that's unique to parents, but is it possible that mothers feel more entitled to complain and call people out than they used to, in an online world that practically welcomes it? Why hold your feelings inside, right?! In 2016, you can be a raving lunatic so long as the underlying story stems from being a protective "mama bear." Without a baby, a woman who emphatically posts about shouting at a stranger is a self-absorbed crazy person; with a baby, she's "reacting from a place of maternal instinct" and all should be forgiven. After all, she's got children to safeguard! And other moms on Facebook can relate. They've been there.
Somehow, this "mean mommy" persona has transitioned from unflattering to badass. You're now hailed as a hero if you throw a dirty diaper at a stranger in a parking lot, because "no one messes with a sleep-deprived mother!" Previous generations of women wouldn't be caught dead ranting about their petty parenting squabbles or trumpeting their own anger complexes, but today's women grew up with 'Jerry Springer.' Their mama bear ferociousness excuses away bad behavior; their superiority (and hormones!) justify Facebook shaming and publicly calling out the unlucky people who cross them. Sometimes, the rants are so intense, their friends (or random members of the Woolworths page) have no choice but to sit back and enjoy them for the entertainment they are. The more parents feel entitled to express hostility veiled as "being a good mom," the more extreme the status updates tend to get. It's almost like some people are just *looking* for reasons to get enraged.
Two things I can discern from this screenshot: 1. This person is deeply British, and 2. This person is totally nuts. Who cares that your kid's shoe got a little dog shit on it? Everyone's got to learn to avoid dog shit at some point in life, so why not as a small child? Also, what's worse: a smidge of dog poop on a shoe, or an unhinged parent who enthusiastically unleashes violent fantasies on social media just because of a little dog shit? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm not just talking about Orange here, but ALL of the moms in this week's column. I wish I could send them off to a meditation retreat in Thailand, or group therapy. In the meantime, let's be glad that Facebook is providing them with the venting outlet they so clearly need. Here are several more irrationally angry moms calling people out on Facebook:
1. Brave Boys Get Popcorn, Bitch
When Amanda says, "So I let that bitch have a piece of my mind while Nick was screaming," I wonder if she realizes the "bitch" in question is just a person working the register at a family-owned popcorn and gift shop? A person working for a company that prides itself on "great popcorn, outstanding service and a personal connection to our customers"? A person who's likely one of these people, who all look pretty darn nice to me! Amanda should tell her "brave boy" to suck it up because Mommy only left the house with Daddy's credit card, and that just isn't going to work at Grand Rapids Popcorn anymore. Then she should rethink ever typing "kuz" again, kuz it's truly terrible. PS: Who wants s'mores popcorn? ME! I DO.
2. Sarah Wants What She Wants
No, I guess she didn't want your tip that badly, Sarah. Good observation. She probably thought you were an unbearable prima donna and decided not to cater to your every demand just because you "want what you fucking want." People like you are why The Bitchy Waiter exists. Even the submitter's special font couldn't lighten up this temper tantrum. Also, anyone who's worked in the service industry knows that you should tip servers *something,* even if the service kinda sucked, because that's how empathy works. If you're the type who can't be bothered to tip someone who still did her job, don't be surprised when she disregards your meal specifications. That's life, bitch.
3. Friendly Interactions With Geriatrics
I have to hand it to Michelle for saying "please." You'd think after hurling insults like "old friggin hag" and "sea donkey face," she wouldn't really bother with any decorum, but no, Michelle is a class act. She may be hot-headed, but she knows how to stay out of jail, and that's what counts. Besides, she told the old friggin hag not to shove her sea donkey face all up in the baby's grill, but the decrepit biddy went and did it anyway! Obviously Michelle's first instinct would be to punch the elderly cow in her wrinkled mug; she's a mother and a fighter! If she has to hit a feeble senior in the face because she patted Michelle's baby girl on the head, so be it! Ahhhh
4. Shante Is A New Woman While Remaining The Same Bitch
"im still the same bitch that will fucc up ur life!!!" would make a great tramp stamp in Gothic lettering. So empowering. A woman like Shante isn't answering to ANYONE—except, of course, when she lets other people's actions affect her to the point of losing her shit on Facebook. There's really nothing more unsettling than a full-term pregnant woman irately coming at you while pushing up her sleeves. I mean, I'm assuming. I hope I'm never proven right. And Shante, if you're reading this, I really don't think mfers think you got soft over the course of these last 9 months. Something tells me all your "friends" still think you're hard AF.
5. Being Sort Of Nice Gets U Nowhere
I, for one, *definitely* think it's time for Kylie to go back to being a bitch. What exactly would that look like, compared to this? I might have to grab a bag of Grand Rapids Popcorn to watch this transformation play out. By the time Kylie gives birth, she'll be a Top Bitch. The bitch is going to come out and fucking play, and nothing—not a lack of sleep, leaky breasts, or the responsibility of caring for a newborn—is going to stop her from smashing fucking teeth down various fucking throats. Just you wait and see. When arses get kicked, Kylie will let you know about it on Facebook. After all, if you kick someone's fucking arse or threaten a total stranger and don't brag about it on social media, did it ever really happen?