Whenever Father's Day rolls around and grills across America go on sale, I like to celebrate by posting a collection of funny dad posts, a la Mom's (or Dad's) Gold Star. But this year, I wanted to take it a step further and really zero in on the essence of all things stereotypically "dad" with an entire column dedicated to penis jokes. Or, I should say, parent-told jokes surrounding artworks that are unintentionally, yet unequivocally, phallic and also made by small children. Sometimes this penis art is made to look like something else (and it just so happens to look like a schlong instead). Other times, children seem to exhibit an interest in their bodies through drawings or newly formed habits, but the kids haven't got the faintest clue. This is where the unintentional comedy comes in.
When children are little, and they haven't really mastered the art of drawing yet, a LOT of what they draw turns out to look like a penis. Of course, to them each illustration represents something totally different: a building, a banana, a literal one-eyed monster, etc. But to their parents, it's just "the penis my kid drew on Tuesday, the penis my kid drew on Thursday, and the penis my kid drew on Friday at school." Don't believe me? Check out some of these examples, or this picture of "two men driving a drilling machine." It's not hard to see what these parents see in their kids' inspired art. And anyone who's read STFU, Parents knows what a fan I am of ridiculous children's artwork. I kind of can't believe that preschool teachers don't just spend their days laughing at their own students as they're told that pictures that appear to be traced images of male anatomy are actually drawings of airplanes, worms, or fictional superheroes. Bless those teachers for not giving their students weird mental complexes and telling them outright that their version of a butterfly just looks like two penises stuck together.
No, they leave all that up to the parents, who now have the ability to share their kids' art via social media and laugh with their adult friends like they're in Show & Tell. Normally, my attitude is that social media allows most of us to share far more than is necessary for our friends to know about our lives -- but in the case of children's artwork, I love it when parents treat Facebook like a blank refrigerator covered in magnets. Don't keep your kids' hilarious drawings to yourselves, parents! This is the shit your friends actually ENJOY seeing. They don't care about Brayden's first poo poo in the potty, or his first time reciting his ABCs; what they want to do is laugh, and it's even better when they're laughing with you at unintentional pictures of penises. Let's check out some possibly inappropriate, definitely entertaining examples -- and to all you dads out there, have a Happy Father's Day!
1. Birthday "Sword"
What a mighty sword you have there, Andi! It looks so...muscular, and flesh-colored, and not at all like it's attached to a ball sac. Nope, that ball sac is just the sword's handle! Makes a lot of sense if you stare at it long enough!
2. Snack Cannon
What do you mean it looks like a watering can with a penis nozzle? Duh, it's a cookie shooter that ejaculates, er, launches projectile cookies from its internal cylindrical bore. It's totally obvious!
3. Double Entendres
This peacock looks more like a walking penis at Mardi Gras. Half-smiling, half-staggering, and probably feeling like somewhat objectified, as walking penises are wont to do when they dress in scandalous clothing. Don't tell me this walking penis doesn't deserve a little ridicule! That peacock outfit is entirely too revealing. Everyone knows that penises in purple attract the wrong kind of attention.
4. Penis Street
"Okay, so you hang a left down by the scrotum, then curve around the bend and travel north up toward the shaft, and then you're going to keep going until you see the head of the road marked by a tip of sorts. Park anywhere on the opposite side of the sulcus."
5. "Skin Imprints"
I couldn't say it any better than Jessica. Something about that textured "tree trunk" in combination with those hand prints just ain't right. I don't know if the teacher found this project on some kind of Pinterest After Hours page or in the Pedophile Children's Art Section at Barnes & Noble or what, but that thing doesn't look like a palm tree no matter which side is up. Bonus points to Erin for her "blue balls" joke. It had to be said.
6. Overcompensating For Summer
Is that giant penis supposed to be a leg, or legs? Because it looks like it's a giant penis. In fact, this little guy doesn't even seem too thrilled about it, like he accidentally took his first handful of Dad's Viagra and is painfully suffering the consequences. That look of skepticism is verging on despair. Don't worry, buddy, it'll all be okay in four to 36 hours. Until then, try jumping in a pool. I've never heard of construction paper dolls experiencing the effects of shrinkage, but anything is possible. And Sam, if you're reading, we all go through "growth spurts," champ. Just ask your dad. He'll explain it better than I can.