In case you haven't been reading the internet or noticing the signs in every single retail outlet across America and beyond, Father's Day is this Sunday! Go, dads! In honor of this very important Day of Dad -- the day in which we all try to come up with stuff that dads like aside from grilling, golfing, drinking beer, and wearing socks -- I've chosen to go the celebratory route for the third year in a row. Sure, I could write a column about deadbeat dads and point out how many single mothers use Father's Day as an opportunity to trash their kids' father(s) on social media, but you know, that's not nearly as fun as giving props to funny dads who have earned Gold Stars.
What's more entertaining -- a column filled with dad jokes, or a column that highlights the bazillion memes floating around Facebook that look like this:
If reading the above status update has caused you to wonder, "How come I never knew about the 'Bitchin' Mothers UNCUT' page?!?", don't worry, you're not alone. Actually, maybe you are alone, but FYI there is a 'Bitchin' Mothers UNCUT' page (in my mind I add an extra "bitch" at the end, making it 'Bitchin' Mothers UNCUT, bitch!'), and that is the page that all the angry mothers can turn to for relief on this most distressing upcoming Sunday. I'm sure the page will be filled with delightful fake Someecards similar to the above, but tweaked ever-so-slightly so there are at least 25 different variations that say the same thing (e.g. "Happy Father's Day, wherever the hell you are."; "Happy Father's Day, you lying sack of garbage."; "Happy Father's Day, I hope you're enjoying prison, you worthless piece of shit."; and so on). And yes, I know there are many fathers out there who don't even deserve the prestigious title of "dad," and that Father's Day can be hard for some moms, and especially hard on their kids, for that reason.
However, there are some really great dads out there, too, and that is what this column is about. So screw the hate parade! Let's celebrate the good guys today. Here are five examples of dads being funny on Facebook, in the daddest of ways.
1. The Ultimate Fighter
Chris loves being a dad so much, he let his baby destroy the soft flesh on his face with ten of the sharpest natural blades in existence. There's nothing more harrowing than a newborn's exposed fingernails near one's face and eyes. It's like that scene at the end of "Mission Impossible" when Tom Cruise is almost murdered by the helicopter blades. Your baby might have fun exploring with her hands, but your face will suffer the consequences.
2. Close, but... yeah, not close at all.
The person who sent this in says this dad regularly posts great jokes on Facebook, and I consider this photo to be visual proof of that claim. Will his kid get into the Ivy Leagues with that corn skewer display? Probably not. But at least he still kinda managed to figure out their intended use.
3. Tips 'N Tricks
For all you Fox News lovers out there, this joke probably reads as "liberal propaganda," or something, but to the rest of us who think Fox News is the worst thing to happen to television since Caillou, Josh's joke scores high marks.
4. Mortal Kombat
You can get a vasectomy whether you're a dad or not, but you might not truly appreciate a vasectomy unless you've already got kids. Paul is so excited about turning his balls into sperm death camps, he's telling all of his Facebook friends so they can share in the joy, too. Vasectomy parties should totally be a thing. Mark my words, this cause for celebration will soon be a growing industry.
5. Special Drink For A Special Dad
D'awwww. A son stealthily slipping his dad a beer after packing his lunch for him? This is like the lunch equivalent of father-son bonding. It's everything a dad could ever want and more. It says, "I love you, Dad," while simultaneously conveying the message, "Drink up, old man!" What could be better than that? A boring new tie? An ear hair trimmer? I don't think so. There's the saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach -- and that saying remains true here, too.
Happy Father's Day, dads!