After a flurry of press, you may have read the very important news that some parents are flipping out over the shortage of "Frozen" merchandise on the Disney Store Facebook page. As a person with specialized skills in observing crazy parents on Facebook, I spent some time sifting through the madness to reveal the depths of the months-long outrage. Aside from parents being up in arms over the dearth of "Frozen" products available on the market -- and the fact that it took Disney a not-so-magical spell to impose a 'two "Frozen" items per buyer' limit to avoid further scamming on eBay or Amazon -- an army of parents has marched in and taken over the majority of the comment threads for several weeks now. At this point, you're either on the Disney Store Facebook page to gush over your love of all things Disney, or you're a homicidal parent who's been frostbitten in the ass by the movie "Frozen."
I'm not going to lie: I've thought on more than one occasion about how nice it is NOT having a kid in The "Frozen" Era (as it will be remembered in textbooks 50 years from now). I can only imagine how intense life has been for the parents of "Frozen"-enamored kids, because despite my best efforts to avoid any and all things "Frozen," even I know the song, have a vague awareness of the characters, and get the unwavering sense that this Disney movie is THE Disney movie that could turn a nation -- nay, a world -- of innocent children into princess-obsessed ice sculptures or whatever. So my sympathy for parents runs deep, as I understand that in 2014, when a movie is as big as "Frozen," kids are essentially committing treason if they don't wholly dedicate themselves to fandom.
Still, I'm relatively certain my parents would've rolled their eyes if I'd asked them to exert anything beyond marginal effort to help me acquire a desired toy. I had a Cabbage Patch Doll and a Care Bear, and my parents indulged my interests in My Little Pony and Fraggle Rock, but that just meant I had a couple of ponies and a Fraggle Rock comic book. I didn't have every single piece of merchandise each toy line offered, and I didn't have a clue when those items were released (orunleashed) to the public in stores. I just knew that if I got a piece of the action, I was happy. If not, I didn't know the difference.
Nowadays, kids anticipate owning the Elsa dress, the Elsa wig, the dolls, the towel, the cell phone case, and whatever else the Disney Store's factory workers are churning out for an unknown number of hours each day. (Kidding!) And that's all well and good, but because Disney didn't anticipate "Frozen" being the humungazoid hit it's become, new shipments of merchandise are being released in small batches and at odd hours of the day. This blatant act of Disney defiance is driving some parents batshit crazy, especially because they thought that after Disney released the "Frozen" DVD, the floodgates would open and all manner of branded "Frozen" products (flip flops! toothbrushes! martini shakers!) would be available for infinite purchase. But alas, they were wrong. And now those Disney executives -- er, social media managers -- on the Facebook page are gonna be sorry! Or something.
I snapped a bunch of screenshots to help showcase just how absurd this "fight" really is. Sure, it sucks that some kids are missing out, but considering all of the toys on the market these days, something tells me they can wait a bit longer. Besides, these children are just getting an education in what it's like trying to buy Beyoncé tickets. It'll serve them well in the future.
Here are 9 of the types of parents you'll "meet" on the Disney Store Facebook page until "Frozen's" merchand-ice chesthas completely thawed out. (Sorry, I went there.) Also, I'd like to add that the parents on the "Frozen" page don't hold a candle to the crazies who freaked out when the Nick Jr. show "Moose & Zee" got canceled. If you want to know what crazy looks like, just read about that.
1. The "Do It For The Children" Parents (And Aunt)
Restock "Frozen" merchandise for the children, Disney. Stop being so selfish. You're ruining the children of our future.
2. The Angry Parents
The best way to express frustration about the lack of "Frozen" merchandise is to act like a screaming crazy person on Facebook. (We already know this.)
3. The Multi-Item Parents
Some parents would be happy with anything from the "Frozen" section of the Disney Store. Some parents wouldn't mind owning everything.
4. The Woe Is Mom
The word "desperate" is getting thrown around a lot on the Disney Store page, because desperate times call for desperate Facebook comments. Screw Syria! Little girls are eagerly awaiting their Elsa dresses, dolls, and plashes!
Yeah, Aimee. Fucking duh.
5. The Disney Scolders
A certain type of disgruntled shopper enjoys wagging a finger (or a whole hand) at businesses on their Facebook pages. These people are either wise, knowing that some businesses do consult their Facebook pages for customer feedback, OR they're totally delusional because honestly what percentage of businesses is doing that? Like five percent?
This might be my favorite comment on the Disney Store Facebook page. The first time I read it, all I heard were golf claps.
6. The Easter Beggars
Some parents pretended not to care TOO much about the merchandise shortage until Easter crept up. Now, they're enraged.
Disney bringeth the children joy and magic, and then Disney taketh it away.
7. The Conspiracy Theorist
Maybe because you sounded CRAZY? Just a guess. But also it's probably protocol. Get over it!
8. The Philosopher
This mom is just like...whoa. Her mind is blown. Elsa merchandise is nowhere to be found, people are losing their shit on the Disney Store fan page, and still, just, like, no promises of new merch. Friggin' unreal, emirate??
9. The Mom's Gold Star
There are but a few sensible people on the Disney Store page whose posts are balanced. Lauren's is my favorite, not only for being reasonable yet exacting, but also for working in a "Let It Go" reference. You'd think that after hearing that song 1000000000 times, most parents would've taken the hint by now. "Let It Go," parents. Let. It. Go.