Mommyshame

STFU Parents: This Back-To-School Season, Don’t Be a Helicopter Mom

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1. Don’t Overschedule Your Kids

1A.

I dunno, Tarynn, this sounds super duper exciting, but it doesn’t sound like either of these kids is signed up for Mandarin lessons OR archery OR watercolors OR choir OR Pilates. Sounds like a pretty light schedule to me, but there’s hope for you and your developmentally-behind kids yet. After all, winter is just a few short months away!

1B

Yep, when you’re über-talented like Taylor, you don’t get to watch your favorite after-school programs on television or “play” outside like some kind of ne’er-do-well. When you’re above average, you can’t behave like an average child who eats average snacks and does average homework after coming straight home from school with nowhere to go and no one to impress. You must rise above the desire to come home, throw off your backpack, and stare into space for a solid 15 minutes while shoveling goldfish into your mouth like it’s the only thing in the world that matters. If you leave school right at 3:15pm, skipping all of the usual rehearsals and practices and tutoring sessions, and you turn on the OWN channel and veg out, possibly with a bag of Cheetos, and then do your homework between 4pm and 6pm like a plebeian, you’ll get absolutely nowhere in life. So luxuriate in that lazy shit today, Little One. Tomorrow (and the day after that, and all of the days after that) will look much different and involve a lot more whistles and lectures. Ya gotta get to Princeton somehow! If not by winning “The Voice,” how?

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