STFU Parents: 6 Reasons To Keep Your Kid’s Bath Poop Off Facebook

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As Halloween draws closer, I’m continuing to post some of the weirdest, grossest, and most repulsive submissions I’ve received all year during Fright Fest on STFU, Parents. And much like my column here last week focused on the bizarre trend of “documom-ing,” this week’s column focuses on a posting trend, too — of the poop variety. First, allow me to say that although I’ve posted a few bath poop submissions over the years (and briefly mentioned it in a column here, too), I’ve barely skimmed the surface in terms of posting the total number of submissions that I’ve received. My Bath Poop folder has been consistently clogged since 2010, and today I’m diving in to unearth some of the yuckiest examples from the bunch. Consider it a companion column to this one about the baby constipation posting trend (and please accept my apology in advance).

You see, individually these bath poop submissions don’t amount to much. It’s when they’re grouped together that they form a smelly conglomerate of intrigue (for me, at least). Why do so many parents post about something that is by all accounts completely normal? I understand the desire to share stories and to commiserate with other parents, but on Facebook, posting about bath poop is beyond gross. We’re talking about taking something that’s already unappealing to read about (poop) and incorporating a typically sterile environment (bathtub) to create a murky cesspool of story time drama. And that is pretty much the definition of “parent overshare.” So here’s a tip: If your update involves words like “nuggets,” “floating,” and “soup,” and those words are in reference to poop, you’ve officially gone too far. I don’t want to read about your child’s bath time filth, and today’s column showcases six reasons why.

1. Poop Schedules

Catrina – even with her their/there error – makes a joke here that I appreciate, except I think she might be coming at it from the wrong angle. In 10 years, Facebook will not be like the eight-track of the Internet. It won’t be Friendster, and that’s worth considering. Normally I don’t talk about what will happen when/if kids discover these types of details posted online when they’re older, but in this case I feel it’s important to point out that Facebook isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Also, if I was Samantha’s husband and I read about avoiding my kid’s “ripe” bath poop via Facebook, I’d probably treat myself to a beer after my meeting. If she’s posting about the incident online, there could be pictures (or worse) waiting at home. Especially if she’s friends with people who casually use the term “evening BM” like they’re talking about a ritualistic cup of chamomile tea.

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  1. Monique Boulanger

    October 24, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    My son has shit in the tub. Have I ever posted about it on Facebook. Nope. (I’ll even go back through my timeline and check.) NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

    • March

      October 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      …except the readers of your comment on this article. πŸ˜›

    • Monique Boulanger

      October 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

      Did I go into in depth description? No. Did I post pics? no.

    • Frances Bean

      October 25, 2012 at 9:46 am

      I think she was just kidding with you. Hence the :p lol. There is a big difference between posting something like that on a parenting forum or website comment and posting it on FB, at least in my opinion!

    • AugustW

      October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

      I have made one poop related post on FB in 2 years. It was basically “Kiddo did something awesome today! Yay! Eww, but Yay!” I had a few friends text me and ask what she did (pooped on her own) but I didn’t elaborate on FB, for my sensitive non-parent friends. πŸ˜‰

    • Kat

      October 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

      I’m neither sensitive, nor a non-parent and I would still be grateful that you chose not to share the details.

  2. Rachel Earnest

    October 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Who are these parents who are leaving their toddlers alone in the bathtub?

    • Barkybark

      October 24, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      The same ones who were featured on the first season of “Rescue 911.” One of those mommies left her baby alone in a tub (when it was still filling with water, no less) when the phone rang. You can guess the rest.

    • Rachel Earnest

      October 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      I can’t even imagine hollering in to my two year old to ask her a question from the other room. It’s neglectful

    • Barkybark

      October 24, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      I agree, which is why I posted the above comment. I’m not kidding, either–one of the first episodes of “Rescue 911” (broadcast from 1989 to 1996 according to Wikipedia) was about a mother who left her baby/toddler in a bath, with the water running, to answer the phone. She was on the phone so long the toddler nearly drowned. Back then I couldn’t get over the fact that this person would appear on national TV to showcase her stupidity. Now all you need apparently is a modem.

    • MommyK

      October 25, 2012 at 1:24 am

      Yes, I was immediately pretty disturbed about that. If your kid can’t say “green” yet, they probably aren’t old enough to be chilling by themselves in the bathtub, despite the presence of a slightly older sibling (but not old enough to know that the green chunks are, in fact, shit).

    • Frances Bean

      October 25, 2012 at 9:45 am

      We don’t know how old that kid is though. My nephew and my middle daughter both have trouble pronouncing certain words, including the word green and they are both 4 going on 5.

    • MommyK

      October 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

      That’s not really the point, whether they are 2-3 or 5. Yes, Maxx could be older than 4, but I just assumed he probably isn’t by the way he just said, “Geen geen yeah.” And even if he’s 5 already, I’d probably still stay with them in the bathroom. I might be a paranoid Patty, but I just wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him alone at any young age.

    • AugustW

      October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

      The presence of the older child almost makes it worse. I’ve watched my nephews dunk each other in the tub. For fun.

    • J.

      October 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

      That actually disturbed me more than the poop descriptions (and those were pretty darn disturbing.) Now I’m about as non-helicopter-y as you can get without letting the kids get raised by wolves but when it’s a combination of toddler (or younger!) and standing water then I’m there watching.

    • Frances Bean

      October 25, 2012 at 9:43 am

      How do you know any of them are toddlers. The two that you could infer that the parent was out of the room don’t mention an age. The kid could be 4 or 5 for all we know. Heck, when my niece was 5 she was staying with us and she had a little accident in the tub and I was in the room!

      I totally agree though, if the kids were younger than 4ish I think that’s too young to be alone in the tub. Even at 4 or 5 I won’t leave the room unless it’s to step right outside the door to grab a towel, and the laundry room is like 5 feel away.

    • katydid

      October 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

      I was scrolling down here to say the same thing! in #4, why the heck was she OUT of the room? Sure, ive stepped out quickyl before, but not when they were small enough to talk the way she types this kid talking

    • MommyK

      October 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm

      Yes, this is what I was trying to say. πŸ™‚

    • AugustW

      October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

      From the language of the last one at least, it is possible to be in the same room and not notice a poop until it’s too late. Bubbles can hide the worst surprises!

    • Mary Renee Reuter

      November 11, 2012 at 2:20 am

      Just for the record, my daughter pooped in the bath while I was right in the bathroom with her.

  3. wmdkitty

    October 25, 2012 at 2:04 am

    Oh, fer the love of Bast, did you have to say “skimmed the surface”?

    Re: “Green Water” — If your child is ill enough to be having random bouts of green liqui-shits, it probably shouldn’t be in the tub in the first place. That said, EWWWW.

    And… oh, look, it’s another example of gender-essentialism and the construction and enforcement of misogyny. I guarantee if the child were a girl, there would be no comment about how you “gotta love girls”. Why, why, WHY is it that gross shit is seen as “okay” for boys?

  4. Corrections

    October 25, 2012 at 4:05 am

    “Catrina – even with her their/there error –….”

    Wouldn’t it be a they’re/there error?

  5. Adam Cai

    October 25, 2012 at 4:59 am

    like this site

  6. LiteBrite

    October 25, 2012 at 7:12 am

    #5: Am I the only one disturbed by the idea that Michael has an “old standby” of smashing poop down the drain? Is this a common enough occurrence that he has to have a “standby?”

    • Sharky

      October 25, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      Maybe he shits in the shower. I wouldn’t put it past some of these people.

  7. Frances Bean

    October 25, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Number 4 and 5 kind of made me laugh, and you were spot on with your commentary of number 3.The rest just made me gag a little.

    Seriously though, I don’t understand it when people have kids and then everything becomes “Jasonsmom” or “MomOfThreeBabies24”. Of course I think everyone is entitled to do what they want, and really, what is a screen name when you look at the big picture, but I think it shows a loss of identity.

    I asked my friend why she changed her soccer related screen name and she looked at me and said “well, what else would I change it to? I’m a mom now”. I think you can have kids and still be into the same things as before. It wouldn’t bother me if there wasn’t also this undertone with some moms that parents who don’t automatically jump into the “mom-27/7 mode” are bad mothers or don’t care as much about their kids.

    Before I get flamed I just want to point out that I know my experiences are anecdotal and that not all moms who use these screen names have that attitude. Not even most do. But there is a subset of mothers, especially on certain parenting forums, who think you are a low life parent if you aren’t as gungho about parenthood as they are.

    • AugustW

      October 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      I am feeling more and more unusual in that I can be more than just one thing. At work? I’m the office gopher. At home? I’m furniture for a 2-year-old. Out with friends? I’m the chick who likes to feed people.
      Why do we feel this need to define ourselves as just moms?

    • Miranda

      December 6, 2012 at 2:37 am

      My entrance into motherhood coincided nicely with the availability of the internet in my hometown, so my first screenname was mom-centric. I think it may have been a combination of my being a young, single mom whose world pretty much did revolve around the lil munchkin. I couldn’t really come up with anything that described me better at that time than being so-and-so’s mom, and as I had more, I just added them in.

      All I can really say in retrospect about it is that for a certain amount of time at least, that it is/can be a large portion of ones identity. Now that mine are older and more like real humans than screaming poop machines, I have tended towards other ways to identify myself. Having babies and toddlers running around the house is a weird time, and unfortunately too many people get caught up in that. That all being said, there is absolutely no excuse for posting statuses about, or pictures of, what comes out of your kid, no matter how caught up in parenthood one is.

  8. Justme

    October 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I’m knocking on wood as I type this………my child has never pooped in the tub. Ever.

    Knock, knock, knock and fingers crossed I’m not jinxing myself.

  9. Sharky

    October 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Maxx just makes me think of T.J. Maxx. Maybe mombie loves her discount shopping.

  10. anonymous

    October 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    I have to say, I love your blog and can’t wait for your book, but I (and my poor, fragile digestive system) HATE Fright Fest πŸ™

  11. caroline

    October 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    The fact that the “bathtub diarrhea” submission is covering up IDs with green, brown, and yellow squares is really adding to the disgusting factor of this post. Blah.

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  13. Mary Renee Reuter

    November 11, 2012 at 2:24 am

    Oh my gosh, when this happened to me I was too mortified to post about it! I did send a picture to her dad at work with my phone and said “WHAT DO I DO!?!?” Because I really didn’t know what to do. I was holding my daughter in the sink trying to rinse her and drain the tub and figure out how I was going to get the stuff out and clean and sanitize everything. Definitely one of those situations you don’t think about until you’re right in it.

  14. Rachel Sea

    March 13, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Poop and soup are two words that should never, ever be put together. Ever.

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