STFU Parents: 5 Summertime Facebook Tips For Parents

It’s that time of the year again when I wipe the sweat from my brow and discuss a few summer-specific Facebook updates. As I mentioned in last year’s summer column, these seasonal updates flow to my inbox like water from a hose in a baby pool, proving that many parents’ summer experiences are universal. Baseball games, days spent hoping your child won’t be The One who drops a deuce in the community pool, figuring out which overpriced camp to send your kid to, etc. are all cornerstones of summertime, inasmuch as posting on Facebook has become a cornerstone of parenting. When parents need to commiserate during those few “blessed” months their kids are home from school, Facebook is a prime way to go about doing so. Especially since most parents know that at least a few of their friends will be checking their newsfeed when an update goes up, because most parents are on the edge of insanity from being around their kids so much.

I get it, I do; social media is the best way to actively engage with the digital world when the real world is full of mosquitos and sticky Popsicle hands. However, just because parents want to communicate their summertime experiences with their friends doesn’t mean everything they’re posting about needs to be documented. Here are several examples of updates parents might want to stay away from this summer, along with a Gold Star example for good measure. Keep it cool, everyone.

1. Sunburn Updates

STFU Parents

Three years ago, I got my first “dead skin” submission, and I’ve been grossed out ever since. Yes, we’ve all likely been burned at some point in our lives and experienced peeling skin, and sure, on some level it can be fun to pull it off (I guess). You’re a new person, like a moulting snake that’s shed its outer layer, and it’s oddly satisfying to absentmindedly peel the dead skin while watching a “Real Housewives'” marathon. However, it’s also one of those things that doesn’t need mentioning online, nor is it worth posting that your kid is doing it for you with a “mood status” like “feeling crispy.” You know what’s good when crispy? Bacon. You know what’s gross when crispy? Human flesh.

2. Baseball Story Hour Mommyjacking

STFU Parents

Wow, Joyce…you really make me feel like I was right there…sitting on the bleachers…totally fucking bored…wishing I’d brought a pitcher of spiked lemonade…or at least a good book…especially after it started raining…and I was surrounded by people like you…

3. Sunscreen Sanctimommy

ç I’m actually a little surprised Bonnie didn’t just reply back, “HAHAHA shut the hell up, Gretchen,” because it’s what I would have been tempted to say. Just for the record, using sunscreen does not make a person Vitamin D deficient, and people of all ages should wear sunscreen pretty much all the time, even inside and in the dark, because that is what doctors say will help prevent cancers like melanoma, and melanoma kills people. On the plus side, Gretchen’s kids can play the lobsters if their day camp puts on a summer production of “The Little Mermaid.”

4. Baby Pool Poop

STFU ParentsI tried to cover the poop in this picture with a “NO” sign, but FYI, it’s definitely mid-float and appears to be “standing erect” like Mr. Hankey might when singing and dancing on South Park. Why anyone would post a picture of her naked kid and his post-lunch turd is beyond me — especially since he’s still filling up the pool and standing mere inches from his brown creation. Yuck. “Baby Ruth” jokes are funnier without the visual.

 5. Mom’s Gold Star: Summer Style

STFU ParentsL., like many parents, is about to experience both the joys and pains of sending a kid off to stay with her other parent for the summer. For some divorced/single parents, this is bittersweet, as they worry about missing their kid’s sweet smiles, giggles, and yes, even whines, for two whole months. For L., it’s an opportunity to be hilarious and chill the fuck out. What more could a person hope for during the hottest months of the year? Cheers to spending your time well, L.!

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