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Childrearing

STFU Parents: 5 Parents Answering Themselves On Facebook

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Back in December, I wrote about the trend of people talking to themselves on Facebook by setting up accounts for their babies and “engaging” with them online. But what about all of the people who don’t set up accounts for their kids and still treat Facebook like the ideal place to hear themselves talk? You’d be surprised how many people do what I call “answering themselves” by posting a status update and then returning to post a comment on that update with no prompting from their friends. It’s actually kind of hilarious. Sometimes the person comments mere seconds after the initial status update, as if to say, “Whoops, I meant to include this!” Other times they return days later to update, like it’s not a dead giveaway that no one else cares since no one else ever commented. Usually, the updates are related to some kind of bodily fluid or horrific diaper blowout, which might be a hint as to why no one else commented. While some parents have friends who love discussing such details, most people appreciate not knowing that a friend’s baby’s poop has turned from a fluorescent green to more of a mustard brown.

To give you some examples of what I mean – and help prove why it’s probably not in a person’s best interest to comment on her own status update unless the comment is actually funny – here are Five People Answering Themselves On Facebook:

1. Sleep Schedule

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When babies are very young, all they do (for the most part) is sleep, poop, eat, burp, and cry. All of those things occur with frequency, although not necessarily at the same times every day, which parents occasionally document in a baby book. Or, these days, on Facebook. Absolutely no one cares.

2. From One Orifice To The Next

 

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PJ’s got some “daddy issues” to work out, and by “daddy issues” I mean, “PJ needs to buck up and stop acting like his baby is the first baby in history to take a dump and puke everywhere.” I understand that by adding, “But I love daddying all the same!!”, he’s attempting to be light, loving, and grateful, but to me he just sounds like a dude who needs a diary where he can let it all out, so to speak.

3. Guessing Games

 

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No one guessed, Johanna. Everyone was scared of what you would say, so no one guessed, but an hour later you told your friends anyway. I hope you felt some sense of satisfaction in that.

4. Tagging and Teasing

 

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Baby Giada is SOOO lucky her mother isn’t tagging information about her poo-smeared wall on her Facebook page! Oh, how embarrassed Giada would be if her mother did that…and Giada could read! In the meantime, Vita is going to talk about her little poo-smearing child on her own Facebook page behind Giada’s back, because HA! That’s what wicked mothers do! Or, should I say, doo.

Humiliation factor for Giada: 2/10. Humiliation factor for Vita for sharing this information on Facebook: 9.6/10

5. Constipation

 

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You can sort of watch the lightbulb go off above Heather’s head by the end of this update. I’m a little unsure as to why she felt the need to publish the comment, knowing that it had been 20 minutes since her initial update and no one seemed particularly interested or concerned about Sabrina’s bowels, but there it is. Apparently Heather really needed her friends to know that it was NOT constipation, and Sabrina’s poops are good and healthy. Whew! Glad that’s been settled! I’m sure Heather’s friends were quite pleased to get the update.

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