I Can’t Discipline My Stepchildren

I am not a yeller. I have never been. If someone pisses me off, I lean towards leaving the room or not talking to whomever has pissed me off for a few days, until I get over it. Or I compose nasty e-mails I never send, but do make me feel better.

I never yell at my daughter, because I have ”The Look.” And when my daughter sees ”The Look” she knows she better get her shit together, or put her dish in the dishwasher, or do better on a test the next time.

Now that I have stepchildren, I’m finding it extremely hard, if not impossible, to discipline them. They don’t know ”The Look,” which is an expression on my face that says, ”I love you but I’m not happy.”

My fiance has told me numerous times that if his children do something I don’t like when they are with us, then I can, and should, say something to them. Which is good in theory, but in practice, I just can’t do it.

My fiance found me outside in my backyard crying the other day. The reason? I didn’t want to go back into my house, which I no longer feel is my house, because it has been taken over by two teenage girls and a dog, which came with my fiance, who I love to pieces. Yes, it is no longer MY house, but it is OUR house. All of ours. Still, my stepchildren’s crap was everywhere. They didn’t walk THEIR dog, which resulted in the dog shitting and peeing on a carpet that I had ordered from Italy and was ruined. Because the dog peed in the house, my house smelled like urine. I also found one of their bras on the living room table, their knapsacks in the hallway, their dirty peanut butter knives left on the table, their wet towels on the floor mixed in with their clothes, and their coats lying on the hallway floor.

Because I like a tidy house, I almost had a breakdown, or did have a breakdown, which is why I was out in the backyard sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn’t just THAT day. It’s been happening for months and months. Because they don’t walk THEIR dog, even though when I agreed to take in the dog, after their mother told her daughters, ”Either Rebecca takes the dog or I’m getting rid of it,” I had conditions, which was that it was their and my fiance’s responsibility.

The dog has shit and peed all over my house, because his children don’t walk him. I have no problem telling my daughter to put her dirty clothes in her hamper or giving her ”The Look.” My stepchildren even have told me that I can tell them if I don’t like something they are doing.

But I just can’t do it.

My fiance, now the stepfather to my daughter, does tell my daughter to pick up things, but he, too, feels very uncomfortable doing so. I do know that my stepchildren would never get away with this kind of behavior at their mom’s house. Perhaps they think my nanny will just clean up after them (they don’t have a nanny at their mom’s house). I know I need to discipline them, but, always, always, in the back of my head, I just keep thinking, ”I can’t yell at them. I want them to be happy here. And they’re not my children so how can I demand they do things without coming across as a total bitch?”

So this is what happens. They do something that I don’t agree with (leaving their dirty dishes on the couch, not walking the dog, making racist jokes etc.) and then I tell their father and he has a talk with them. Likewise, he comes to me if my daughter doesn’t listen to him. This is all really a pain in the ass, because usually if you have a problem with someone, you go directly to the source. And I feel BADLY that I sometimes need to complain about his children, who I adore, except when they leave their dirty socks in the backyard (yes, it happened.)

Trust me, I know that kids are messy and forgetful and it’s impossible to always keep a clean house. When I had my ”breakdown,” I was at the end of my rope. Still sobbing, I called my best friend, who is a fantastic yeller. She has four children ranging in ages from five to 14 and somehow manages to keep a tidy house. She told me, like my fiance has, that I need to tell my stepchildren that when they are with us, there are rules in this house that they need to follow. And I told her, just like I told my fiance, I just can’t discipline them. I’m not good at it.

So she suggested that I write out a list of ”rules.” (My friend is SO good to me she even had a ”talk” with my fiance, as if he were HER husband, telling him that he needs to be clear with his children about the rules.) I’m not sure if this is going to work, but I’m going to try.

I typed out the list of ”rules” walk the dog when you come home from school”¦knapsacks are to be kept in your bedroom”¦dirty dishes in dishwasher.” I printed it off in BIG LETTERS and posted it on the fridge. The good thing, I think, about this list is that it applies to EVERYONE in the house. I can’t discipline my stepchildren verbally. Like I said, I feel extremely uncomfortable making demands on children who are not my own. And I want them to feel comfortable here and know that it is also their home.

Pray for me that this list works. If it doesn’t, then you know where to find me”¦outside in the backyard crying.

(photo: Suzanne Tucker / Shutterstock)