It’s Thursday, so let’s talk about sex. Specifically, the sex you have in order to make a baby, and the atmosphere you set for that purpose. Everyone knows that there are just songs that you’re meant to have sex to, but then again the last time I tried to put on a specific song for sex purposes, I accidentally turned on the Law and Order: SVU theme song on repeat, so that didn't exactly go well.
According to the Internet at large, these are some great numbers to have sex to, and some are even noted as specifically great for conception. I think it’s a crock of shit, and only horrible things will happen if you purposefully conceive your child to the musical stylings of these particular songs. This analysis is based on science. I’m Dr. Julia Sonenshein, and this is Dr. Julia Sonenshein’s Medical Real Science Hour: You Will Ruin Your Children Edition.
1. "Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye
I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but I will because I’m feeling charitable. If you somehow manage to get past the massive mood killer that is James Blunt’s horrid whining and create a person with your sex parts, your child will be irrevocably damaged. Your child will speak in forever breathy, weakened tones, with an upwards lilt at the end of every sentence. As a grown up, he or she will respond to the coffee shop employee’s “sorry, we’re out of bran muffins” with a plaintive “but why don’t you love me the most?” Your child’s home will be full of novelty candles, that he or she will burn all at once during long sessions of writing poetry. Your child will be an insufferable human being.
3. "I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston
Jeez, who is making these sex lists? Someone who hasn't had sex ever, I would imagine. “I Will Always Love You” will give you one thing and one thing only: the world’s most passive aggressive complainer. The type of person who sighs heavily and pointedly. The type of person who gives backhanded complaints (they exist), saying “I’m totally fine, my ankle just REALLY hurts.” The person who holds a grudge “on principle.” The person who offers to give a toast when nobody asks him or her to do so, because we could all benefit from his or her words. That is what you will make listening to all that drama. If you must listen to Whitney (and hey, I have listened to two Whitney songs today alone), at least bone to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” Then your kid will be fun, and I won’t hate it.
4. "Let’s Talk About Sex" - Salt-N-Pepa
This is actually a really great choice, based on the the totally real use of the transitive property. Listening to a song that sings the praises (guys, it literally sings the praises–I’m on fire today) of safe sex and consent is a brilliant idea for baby making. You’ll absorb all the positive messaging about open communication, and it will go straight into your baby, helping you to create a fine, communicative adult who understands safe sex practices and boundaries. In one ear, out the fallopian tube and into your fetus, I always say.
5. "Someone Like You" - Adele
You should keep tabs on your kid’s social media, which will likely be filled with pained treatises on revenge over lost loves. Also, good luck having sex to this song without bawling. I just listened to it as research for this post and lost it. It’s been kind of a weird week. Now that I'm puffy from crying, who wants to put a vengeful baby in me?
6. Lady Marmalade -The Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, and Pink version
Prepare yourself for the theater, and by that I mean the theatre. That’s right, you’re about to birth a theatre kid. Get ready to listen to the soundtrack from RENT every day for the rest of your life and find your home covered in Cabaret memorabilia. You will have to sit through endless productions, take your kid to Sardi’s as a birthday present, and live out your own version of Glee Hell. You brought this on yourself.
7. "Adorn" - Miguel
Um, I can’t really comment on the type of person you’ll produce, but, yeah, maybe try this one if you and your partner have some free time later. Just, you know. Yeah.
8. "Ayo Technology" - 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake
If you’re celebrating getting to bone your long distance love in person and also hoping that your union will result in a pregnancy, “Ayo Technology” might fit the bill. Unfortunately, it will also result in a your kid being an old school tech dweeb–not the cool kind who takes over Silicon Valley, but the kind who lives on Reddit and in your basement. He or she will probably make his or her living selling refurbished laserdiscs players on eBay.
9. "Motivation" - Kelly Rowland
Honestly, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t feel old or mature enough to listen to this song. It’s not overly vulgar or anything, but the breathiness of it all makes me blush. If you can get past that, this song is likely to result in one hell of an encouraging fetus. Potential future careers include personal trainers or kindergarten teachers. On the other side, you might end up with the type of person who likes talking about bodily function or some such, just to watch people squirm.
10. "Fade Into You" - Mazzy Star
Your child will grow up to be a Julia Sonenshein-type–a self loathing hipster unqualified for real life and with skills only an art teacher or barista could love. I am so sorry.
Photo: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock