Snooki Had A Baby! A HUMAN Baby!
Despite what one of our readers told me, Snooki gave birth sometime before 3 A.M this morning , and no, she did not give birth to a walrus, even though I did get all excited about this possibility.
From our friends at MTV:
According to MYV, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle was born before 3 a.m. Sunday, reportedly healthy and weighting 6 pounds, 5 ounces.
Snooki went into labor last night. Her father, Andy Polizzi, arrived at the St. Barnabas Hospital in Livingston wearing a black T-shirt with the words, “Team Snooki” written on the chest.
Initial thoughts: Lorenzo Dominic is a very adult name for a baby. I always think about this when parents give their child terribly grownup sounding names, like is the baby suddenly born and then he is a stockbroker or a tailor or an attorney or something? How can you shorten Lorenzo to make it sound more babyish? Nicknames for Lorenzo include “Larry” and “Renzo“, which sounds to me like a sort of dish detergent. “I need to go to Target and pick up some more Renzo.” Or else it sounds like a street name for a cool hip new sort of drug, that all the cool kids are doing. “Man, now that it’s fall, all I want do is hang out with my friends and do some renzo on the roof.”
Additional initial thought: Didn’t Andy Polizzi have any other clean shirts?
From E Online:
“Yes, Nicole has gone into labor,” her reps says. “While we understand she has fans everywhere—hospitals now included—we ask that her privacy be respected moving forward. We’ll all get to meet her Italian Stallion newborn soon enough.”
Of course we will meet this baby soon enough! I’m sure Snooki is all ready auctioning off the newborn photos to the highest bidder and soon we will get a touching glossy-spread in a magazine showing her cradling the “Italian Stallion.” Wait, what? Italian stallion? When I hear the term “Italian stallion” I always think of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever or Sylvester Stallone in Rocky, not some teensy tiny baby who is younger than the milk I have in my refrigerator. Snooki rep people! Must we refer to the baby by this term all ready? He has not even been around a full day! Now I keep picturing this little Lorenzo baby with a chest full of curly black hair, heavy gold chains getting tangled in it, and him crying in a heavy New Jersey accent. And possibly owning a waste management business as a cover up for a more illict business.
Congratulations to Snooki and her new baby Lorenzo. I hope Snooki takes care of this baby, as in she just doesn’t hire someone to do all the baby work . I hope she doesn’t make stupid comments about his umbilical stump and we don’t have to hear every detail about his diapers. I hope she doesn’t take him tanning with her, or out to nightclubs. We wish you normalcy Snooki. And all that entails.