100 Signs You Are About To Go Into Labor
1: About 10 months ago, your doctor told you that you are pregnant.
2: People keep walking up to you and saying HAVEN’T YOU HAD THAT BABY YET?
3: You update your Facebook status a lot to say “I haven’t had the baby yet.”
4: Orange Is The New Black season two comes out Friday. You are very excited about watching this so you will probably go into labor before you can relax and binge it.
5: You are peeing approximately 198 times every day.
6: Creeps keep walking up to you when you are out in public and try to touch your stomach.
7: No bitches are bringing you tacos.
8: You have something called THE BLOODY SHOW. You can only tell people you have THE BLOODY SHOW if you accompany it with jazz hands.
9: Your mom came to visit in anticipation of you going into labor. You haven’t gone into labor yet and your mom keeps critiquing how you have arranged your spice cabinet.
10: You just put a huge whopping non-refundable deposit down on a BABYMOON.
11: You cry a lot because you never got to take no freaking BABYMOON.
12: You haven’t decided on a baby name.
13: You wake up at night from nightmares where you gave birth to a full grown Justin Bieber.
14: You wake up at night because you had a sex dream about Justin Bieber.
15: You really fucking hate Justin Bieber but you catch yourself signing Baby to your cat or houseplant.
16: Your uncle asks if you plan on naming the baby after a family member.
17: You make random people tie your shoes for you.
18: You say things like I AM SO SICK OF BEING PREGNANT.
19: You no longer enjoy the idea of prenatal yoga.
20: You decide you have to paint the baby nursery right now.
21: You google how many onesies do I need?
22: You start to panic because you have no idea if you are going to circumcise or not.
23: You start to panic because you worry that your baby daughter will grow up and be paid less salary than one of her male counterparts.
24: You have an appointment to get your hair did.
25: You have just started an amazing book that you can’t put down.
26: Your doctor tells you that you will go into labor soon.
27: You can no longer get comfortable sleeping on your back, your side, with five pillows including your partners and the one you spent $80 on at Bed, Bath and Beyond because someone told you it was the only thing that helped them get comfortable during pregnancy and that idiot lied to you.
28: You realize that one day you will have to teach another person how to pee and poop.
29: One of your friends (FIENDS) has planned an amazing sounding BBQ and you will for sure go into labor on that day.
30: One of your other kids breaks a limb.
31: The cashier at your local grocery says you will probably have the baby soon.
32: It’s your wedding anniversary or birthday and it will be forever shared with the fact your baby will also be born on this day.
33: You have NOTHING delicious to eat in your house.
34: You haven’t decided on cloth versus disposable yet.
35: You haven’t decided on breast versus bottle yet.
36: You haven’t decided on attachment versus free range yet.
37: You haven’t decided where the baby will sleep but you post pictures of your cat napping in the co-sleeper next to your bed on Instagram.
38: You have heartburn constantly.
39: Your favorite leggings have now worn a hole in the crotch.
40: You cry at random Hallmark commercials and certain episodes of The Walking Dead.
41: Everyone you know insists on telling you everything that went wrong during their childbirth.
42: All you want is someone to bring you a Chocolate Frosty from Wendy’s and no one is taking the damn hint.
43: Your water breaks and you can’t figure out if your water broke or you accidentally peed.
44: Your back hurts all the time.
45: Your back hurts all the time and you rush to the hospital to be told these are Braxton Hicks contractions.
46: Your doctor tells you they are going on vacation.
47: People leave you voice mail messages asking if you HAVE HAD THAT BABY YET.
48: You are waddling.
49: While putting together the crib your realize the manufacturer forgot to include two very important screws.
50: You google how much wine is safe to drink in the last month of pregnancy.
51: You glare at everyone around you drinking wine.
52: You worry that the cold pills you took before you knew you were pregnant have someone harmed your baby.
53: You read headline about female celebrities getting their post baby body back and throw your magazine across the room.
54: You can’t pick up the magazine you threw across the room.
55: You hate every stupid empire waisted maternity shirt you own and you fantasize about tossing them all in a giant bonfire.
56: You are sleepy all the time.
57: Except at 3 a.m. when you need to pee.
58: You google ways to bring on labor.
59: You contemplate having labor-inducing sex.
60: You contemplate making the magical labor inducing salad.
61: You decide that maybe you won’t have a natural labor.
62: Your dishwasher or some other major appliance breaks.
63: Your neighbor hollers across the lawn to you ANY DAY NOW HUH?
64: You pull up your shirt to show your partner your chest and say things like HAVE YOU SEEN THESE PUPPIES YET?
65: Your breasts are the heaviest things in all existence.
66: You start to really resent seat belts.
67: You say things like I WILL NEVER LET MY KID WATCH TV WHEN THEY ARE LITTLE.
68: You decide you better be getting a push present.
69: You can’t decide if this push present should be one of those Pandora charm bracelets.
70: Or at least a Big Mac.
71: Or at least a damn candy bar.
72: It better be at least a damn candy bar.
73: You start laughing hysterically at the idea of pregnancy porn.
74: Your friend who is also expecting a baby announces their baby name on Facebook and it is the same name you secretly chose.
75: When you laugh you pee a little.
76: You can’t stop looking at how little the socks are.
77: You are really annoyed at the size of your bathtub.
78: You can’t remember if you can take long baths towards the end of your pregnancy.
79: You find an amazing big bathtub image on Pinterest and get really angry you also don’t have a big bathtub.
80: No one is bringing you french fries and those people are all jerks.
81: You can’t remember everything you learned in Lamaze class.
82: You get stuck in traffic on a very hot day.
83: Your dumb sister or cousin tells you everything that went wrong with their labor and delivery.
84: You worry you may have to share a recovery room with some weirdo.
85: You realize you don’t have a carseat yet.
86: You realize you have no idea how to correctly install a stupid carseat.
87: The stupid barista at Starbucks give you the side-eye when you order a caffeinated latte and you want to punch her and her stupid swingy pony tale in the damn throat.
88: Your cat keeps walking right on your stomach.
89: You feel like you can’t be pregnant for even another day.
90: You feel like you can be pregnant forever and never actually want to have the baby outside of you.
91: You are very excited you have a scheduled c-section.
92: You are very worried you have a scheduled c-section.
93: YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WILL BE PREGNANT FOREVER.
94: Your contractions are ten minutes apart.
95: Your contractions stop.
96: Your contractions start again just when you have finally fallen asleep.
97: Your contractions start as soon as your partner is on an international flight.
98: Your water does actually break in the middle of the Target snack aisle.
99: Your labor starts and you haven’t packed your overnight bag yet.
100: You just sat down to a delicious meal.