10 Signs You’re Overdue for A Date Night

As a parent, I know how easy it is to neglect alone time with your partner. (What’s mine’s name again?) With bustling kids to and fro, nursing a baby and generally being too ill-rested to want to show my face in public, staying in often seems like the far more sane option. I mean, why go out when home is where the wine and Netflix live? And sometimes it’s the only option. Hell, babysitters cost a pretty penny and children tend to be pretty all-consuming and needy like leeches (I mean that in the most loving way possible). There is always a sniffle or a runny nose (or a marble up one) that means tonight is definitely not the night to bust this joint. However, there comes a time when you just need to drop everything and get the hell out.

Here are the top ten signs you’re way overdue for a date night.

10. Your evening happy hour is beginning to bleed into the afternoon.

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When you open the fridge circa 12:15 to make lunch and accidentally take out a beer, it’s probably time for a date night. I’m not vehemently against day drinking (at all) but I’m just saying, when the beer looks that good that early in the day, mama needs a little boost. Hold off for a couple more hours and call for back-up and maybe run a brush through your hair. Just sayin’.

9. When you’re husband said ”Do you want to go out?” and you thought he meant to pick up the dog crap in the back yard.

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And it’s really not your fault. It’s been so long since he asked you just assumed ”out” meant that grassy area covered in a thousand toys that make ya’ll look just a wee bit trashy.

8. Your daughter asked for a piggyback ride and you screamed ”STOP TOUCHING ME!!!” and burst into tears.

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It’s okay, mama. I’m touched out. You’re touched out. We’re all touched out.

7. There’s baby poop on your shirt. From yesterday. And you’re wearing it again today.

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I don’t care if nobody’s looking, if it’s covered in poop and you’re wearing it then it’s time for a shower and a dirty martini, or six.

6. You told the UPS man your birth story and legit thought he was way into it.

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Unless he’s an undercover birth doula or has no less than eight kids, he wasn’t. In fact, he’s terrified by your colorful descriptions, especially your use of the word ”ripening.”

5. Breaking Bad has consumed your life to the point where you thought a bumper sticker of a private boy’s school logo was a picture of Walter White’s face #truestory.

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You also think every bald dude with glasses is secretly a meth deal. It’s a really good show. Maybe the best show ever but it. is. not. real.

4. You have absolutely no idea where you keep your real pants.

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Or if they fit. Or if you even own any. It’s okay if you have to buy the next size up. Just go to the mall and buy yourself a pair of pants. Sometimes they are necessary. Not that often, but sometimes.

3. Dinner is leftovers shoveled into your mouth off the kids’ plates while standing over the sink. 

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You know what I’m talking about. Throw some Annie’s mac and cheese on a leftover piece of quiche and call it a meal? Coming right up! Don’t act like you’ve never done it. You spent so much time fretting that your kids are picky eaters you never stopped to wonder why. But dear God, throw the kids a bone. I mean, would you eat that pile of mush you just served up? Perhaps it’s time you head out on the town and have someone cook for you for once. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get inspired.

2. That glazed over look in your eye that usually sets in around 4:28 PM is now setting in by 11:30 AM.

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It’s okay mama. Your brain needs rest. You need to regain your strength and probably sleep uninterrupted for about a week.

And the number one sign you’re overdue for a date night is...

1. It’s been so long since you called the babysitter, she now has her own real life baby.

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And now you’re really screwed because the kids adored her and she actually showed you some respect. Time to put up another ad on Craigslist… or just accept that the grandparents are coming to visit and they will definitely roll their eyes when you bring up bedtime and the kids will be so overtired when you get home you’ll wish you never went out in the first place.

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