I happen to believe that you don't get too old for Halloween. I mean, too old to trick-or-treat, sure, but Halloween? Never, never, never. I also happen to believe that you can be too young for Halloween. I'm looking at you, infants. Get off my doorstep with your gummy smiles and inability to say "trick-or-treat" and your attention hungry parents, like Megan Zander. I have no candy for you. Only judgement and scowls.
Obviously, my problem lies with parents of infants and not infants themselves. Everyone knows what you're up to. You don't want candy that bad. You're an adult, you can buy some. And if you want free candy, well, you've had your entire lives to master your shoplifting skills. What you want is for people to tell you how cute your baby is. Well, forget it.
1. Summer is finally over. Which means infants no longer plague the library, the playground, the airplanes. Parents can actually take their kids outside again, and I'm just now getting used to the lack of earsplitting screams at the coffee shop. Haven't we earned a reprieve? Stay at home or go trunk-or-treating with the rest of the lame-os.
2. Your baby is not all that and a bag of chips. I've seen the summer pictures, and soon you'll be flooding my Facebook with adorable Christmas card photo shoots no one but your mom asked for. Don't make me pretend to think your kid isn't homely on my favorite holiday on my own front porch, too.
3. You don't need an excuse to dress up. Stay at home in your hand-crafted Doctor Who masterpiece or Disney Princesslut costume. Hand out candy and make everyone feel awkward or like they have to compliment you there. Don't come around here with your schmaltzy family themed outfits, because we all know what's going to happen; I'm gonna roll my eyes and make that "jerking off" motion with my hand near my crotch and you're either going to get sad or call the cops. Let's save ourselves the trouble, okay?
4. You can buy candy. You are a grown ass adult, and candy bars are cheap. Think of the opportunity cost involved with making a costume for your baby and then walking around the neighborhood pretending like you aren't a huge attention whore, all for some of those gross fruit flavored tootsie rolls and a few Charleston Chews. This is such a flimsy excuse. You aren't fooling anyone, MEGAN.
5. You will never stop stealing from your child. Stop. Stop pretending. Whether it's Halloween candy, Christmas candy, Hanukkah candy, Easter candy, Eid candy, or just some candy they bought with their allowance, you're going to be ripping your kid off for a good long time.
If you come to my house with your infant, all you're getting is my scorn. Even if you have adorable twin babies, I'm going to give you the stinkeye on principal alone.
(Image: My Good Images/shutterstock)