Childrearing

Trick-Or-Treating With Your Infant Is A Big Annoying Waste Of Time

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baby-dressed-as-pumpkin-nopeI happen to believe that you don’t get too old for Halloween. I mean, too old to trick-or-treat, sure, but Halloween? Never, never, never. I also happen to believe that you can be too young for Halloween. I’m looking at you, infants. Get off my doorstep with your gummy smiles and inability to say “trick-or-treat” and your attention hungry parents, like Megan Zander. I have no candy for you. Only judgement and scowls.

Go away.

Obviously, my problem lies with parents of infants and not infants themselves. Everyone knows what you’re up to. You don’t want candy that bad. You’re an adult, you can buy some. And if you want free candy, well, you’ve had your entire lives to master your shoplifting skills. What you want is for people to tell you how cute your baby is. Well, forget it.

1. Summer is finally over. Which means infants no longer plague the library, the playground, the airplanes. Parents can actually take their kids outside again, and I’m just now getting used to the lack of earsplitting screams at the coffee shop. Haven’t we earned a reprieve? Stay at home or go trunk-or-treating with the rest of the lame-os.

2. Your baby is not all that and a bag of chips. I’ve seen the summer pictures, and soon you’ll be flooding my Facebook with adorable Christmas card photo shoots no one but your mom asked for. Don’t make me pretend to think your kid isn’t homely on my favorite holiday on my own front porch, too.

3. You don’t need an excuse to dress up. Stay at home in your hand-crafted Doctor Who masterpiece or Disney Princesslut costume. Hand out candy and make everyone feel awkward or like they have to compliment you there. Don’t come around here with your schmaltzy family themed outfits, because we all know what’s going to happen; I’m gonna roll my eyes and make that “jerking off” motion with my hand near my crotch and you’re either going to get sad or call the cops. Let’s save ourselves the trouble, okay?

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61 Comments

  1. Rachel Sea

    September 26, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Trick or Treating is fun, and if people get into the spirit of the holiday then they can have candy from me, whatever their age.

  2. Lilly

    September 26, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I think it somewhat depends on the age of the child — my son was 11 months his first Halloween so it was interesting to him to see other kids dressed up, get dressed up himself and all we did was like 3 houses on our street with neighbours that we knew. If he was less than 6 months at the time I wouldn’t have bothered.

  3. Megan

    September 26, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    ” Kids, we don’t go to the house. Don’t even look at it.”

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  4. ohladyjayne

    September 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Oh you two are making getting through Friday much easier here!

  5. Maria Guido

    September 26, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    “I’m gonna roll my eyes and make that “jerking off” motion with my hand near my crotch and you’re either going to get sad or call the cops.”

    I’m dead. You just killed me.

  6. noodlestein's danger tits

    September 26, 2014 at 2:58 pm

  7. ChelseaBFH

    September 26, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I’ll probably take my infants trick or treating. We’re pretty new to our area, and last year when I was hugely pregnant and handing out candy we made our first “neighbor friends” when they brought their infant to our door, so I’m glad they did. Plus we have a lot of older neighbors who we don’t socialize with and aren’t on Facebook but love to see our boys, and Halloween seems like a great opportunity to take them around to say hi to everyone. But we will probably stick to our block/ houses where we know people and I’d never expect people to give us candy (although I’d never turn it down, either). Parents who bring around infants without teeth and expect a Snickers get almost as much side eye as teenagers who don’t dress up and insist on inspecting your candy bucket before grabbing a massive handful of Reeses and running off without saying thank you. Get off my lawn!

    • Alys B. Cohen-Sacred Blood Aut

      September 27, 2014 at 4:24 am

      Do it. I did. Anyone who scoffs at you are the people who have sticks up their butts and aren’t worth your time to befriend later.

  8. Andrea

    September 26, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    I don’t mind it.

    In fact, I know that I, a complete stranger, is on at least two family’s baby albums because I happen to be the 1st house the ToTed at for the very first time and the parents took a pic of me handing out the candy. I think it’s awesome.

  9. Mary Johnson

    September 26, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Brilliant follow up 🙂

    We have one rule about trick or treating: You have to be able to say it plus please and thank you. My daughter went at 3 and my son at 4.

    • leahdawn

      September 26, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Good rule! And trick-or-treating privileges should be revoked if “gimme” or “I don’t like that kind” are uttered.

    • AP

      September 26, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      Love it! I hate kids who walk up to the house and stand there silent (minus the little ones who get stage fright, I understand that!) or start yelling “I want candy gimme candy!”

    • RW

      September 27, 2014 at 1:51 am

      I keep 2 bins of candy – full sized chocolate bars for the costume efforts, and crap candy for the little assholes and ones who don’t dress up. It’s even more fun when they are a mixed group and see what they missed out on. How we have thus far escaped an egging I will never know.

    • Alys B. Cohen-Sacred Blood Aut

      September 27, 2014 at 4:23 am

      I took my daughter before she could say those words. She got to see me say them. I was setting an example for her to learn from.

      Also your rule would mean a lot of disabled kids couldn’t go trick-or-treating. Not all kids ever become verbal enough, but would still enjoy going out.

    • Mary Johnson

      September 27, 2014 at 8:09 am

      Yes and what a fine lesson to teach because she would not figure it out. And I won’t even address how ridiculous your last statement is. This is the rule in our house. A disability is something all together but my son has autism and it taught patience plus giving out candy taught him to give first.

    • Mary Johnson

      September 27, 2014 at 8:09 am

      Yes and what a fine lesson to teach because she would not figure it out. And I won’t even address how ridiculous your last statement is. This is the rule in our house. A disability is something all together but my son has autism and it taught patience plus giving out candy taught him to give first.

  10. Ddaisy

    September 26, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    I am all for showing off a cute baby in an adorable costume. There are lots of ways to do that without being a grown-ass adult begging for candy.

    Actually, I would probably be more willing to give candy to a well-costumed adult who was shamelessly getting it for themselves than one who tried to use their toothless infant as an excuse. Everyone knows what they’re up to; they might as well own it!

    • RW

      September 27, 2014 at 1:46 am

      Last year my son was officially a toddler and had only just learned about the existence of candy so I thought he was primed to take out with his older cousins. He had a dragon costume, so I grabbed a giant paper leaf bag, dusted my face with black eye shadow and voila! Adult cleverly disguised as costume prop! It was shameless, but I enjoyed the hell out of it and my son got all the Reese’s Pieces and Smarties (the good chocolate ones), so it was win win!

    • Iwill Findu

      September 27, 2014 at 8:29 pm

      My parents started giving my daughter candy right about the point I stopped giving her blended food (grandparents urrg) then by 10-11 months she had caught on that I’ll sometimes keep a sucker or two in the diaper bag as a treat for she’s being really good in the store, so now if I leave the bag in the livingroom she’ll empty the diaper bag to dig out the suckers (She’ll totally give me this look as if I’m holding out on her if there isn’t one in the bag). So I’m kinda torn I really think she would enjoy a night of free candy, plus I could then restock the bag for free at lest for awhile anyway, but I don’t want people to think I’m taking then 14 month out so that I can steal all her candy.

    • Me

      September 28, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      You gave your 10 month old a sucker?

    • wonderstruck

      September 28, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      Your 14 month old does not need candy. No no no. I mean, maybe a piece (personally I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t judge either) but a bag full of it? That would be a pretty bad parenting decision.

    • Alys B. Cohen-Sacred Blood Aut

      September 27, 2014 at 4:22 am

      I don’t even care. People are enjoying going out with their kids, and I’m not going to rain on that.

    • Amanda

      November 1, 2014 at 11:44 am

      Exactly. People…just do you! It’s a big world, and we all just need to live our lives the way we want to..nothing nice to say?? Hm hmm ? Don’t say shit at all bc life’s too short 🙂

  11. Emily A.

    September 26, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I used to live in a neighborhood that gave candy to kids and beer to grown ups. You’d be a fool *not* to take the baby out, there.

    • LA Face, Oakland Booty (and

      September 26, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Where does one go to obtain free beers on Halloween?

    • leahdawn

      September 26, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      OMG I have to do this now. We upped it to full-size bars this year because we only get 30 kids, so I’d probably only see about 2 6-packs worth of parents in all that…

    • Emily A.

      September 26, 2014 at 7:43 pm

      Ooh, I cannot divulge the name of this paradise. But please, do all of your neighbors a favor, and bring trick-or-beer to your street!!

    • js argh

      September 26, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      Where is this paradise!?

    • AP

      September 26, 2014 at 8:47 pm

      It’s not in Utah or Massachusetts, because liquor laws.

      So that leaves 48 US states.

    • RW

      September 27, 2014 at 1:40 am

      I AM ALL OVER THIS. As it is, we do the booze cruise (or house crawl, depending on distances in the neighborhood) but the idea of spreading such joy to the random neighbours with their kids? Genius!

  12. LA Face, Oakland Booty (and

    September 26, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    But how else can I show off how cute my baby is in his vampire costume? My FB friends have grown tired of pictures since I bought the costume in like June. Also, he has a dinosaur costume and part of a Hulk Hogan costume soon…

  13. Jennie Blair

    September 26, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    I would only want to take my infant to maybe one house to take the cute picture, but not for candy. I’m a big girl and I way over candy buy for my volume of trick or treaters.

    I did, however, one year barrow someone’s infant for my costume (unhappy suburban mom), and feel I deserve all those snickers as I took her around all night at the trunk or treat and she was heavy in the sling. The next year the same little girl and I gave candy out at the same event and she pelleted kids with the name brand candy. One kid got hit in the eye but good candy so they kept coming back for the holiday smack down.

  14. Stephanie

    September 26, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    I’m with you. If you want to bring your costumed baby to a few neighbor’s houses to show him off, great! That’s very sweet but when adults come to my door with their babies hoping to take candy that is meant for children it really irks me. I give out candy until it’s gone then turn off the porch light. Any kids walking by after that point miss out so for every one adult like this I give candy to, one child goes without. I love dressing babies up in costumes but I’m not a fan of adults taking candy from children.

  15. SweatPantsRomance

    September 26, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    I love the image on this post. An awwwwdorable baby in an awwwdorable pumpkin cos-NOPE.

  16. Sailor Fruitpunch

    September 26, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    I admit, I wanna bring our infant because, honestly, I miss trick-or-treating. 🙁 It’s okay if you don’t give me candy, I just wanna run around a dark neighborhood in a costume on the one day per year that the cops won’t get called on me.

    • Amanda

      November 1, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      Lol yah it’s definitely the only day/time when adults can wear a costume and not be considered nuts and get dragged off to the psych ward 😉

  17. Ursi

    September 26, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    I love you forever, I’m just saying.

    I don’t care if people show up with babies and I’ll even happily offer candy but don’t expect me to fuss over a baby. I’ll pretend to care about your baby’s dumb costume for as long as it takes to give you the candy.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      September 26, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      I say we have a grumps-who-don’t-care-for-costumed-infants party at Theresa’s. As long as we get to spend the night, since I will be between residences this Halloween…damn you, strict lease dates!

    • Alys B. Cohen-Sacred Blood Aut

      September 27, 2014 at 4:26 am

      I make a fuss over each and every child. It takes seconds on my part, and makes the night so much more fun for everyone.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      September 27, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Since I don’t find kids cute, I doubt even the most sleep-deprived, baby-brained parent would find my deer-in-the-headlights attempts to choke out a compliment very convincing. That probably would put a damper on the night for everyone.

    • Jana

      November 1, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      Do everyone a favor and keep the lights off.

  18. Ezzy666

    September 26, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Free candy is free candy. And everyone knows the calories and cholesterol from food you don’t buy doesn’t count. Some people might need any reason to be able to leave the house with an infant..

  19. KaeTay

    September 26, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    My daughter turned 1 on oct27th. We took her trick or treating.. in military housing. I wanted her to see the costumes. We dressed her up in a halloween themed outfit, my husband made her a witches hat (I’ll paste a picture) and we walked her around. We came home with a VERY small bag of candy (like quart size) of candy she would eat herself. We didn’t touch it. This year I’m taking her to this free thing that fort worth has at the stock yards.

    P.S we didn’t ask for any candy.. the neighbors insisted.

    https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-9/625572_10202395069704711_240544265_n.jpg?oh=30a497d4aa6334ca629369e708e47f3a&oe=54BC69AD&__gda__=1422844671_c2d2ce4918519da67562a5d4c9b25749

    • C.J.

      September 26, 2014 at 7:36 pm

      Awww, she is adorable!!

    • KaeTay

      September 26, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      thank you

  20. C.J.

    September 26, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    My older daughter was born on October 1st. We dressed her up for Halloween at a month old and walked to the couple houses of people we knew wanted to see her. We didn’t trick or treat. For her second Halloween she trick or treated at the same couple houses we took her to the previous year and that was it. My younger one was 5 month old her first Halloween. I dressed her up and wore her in the baby carrier. She didn’t have a bucket and wasn’t trick or treating. People kept insisting we take candy for her. My older one ended up with a whole lot of candy that year even though we only went 2 blocks.

  21. Kite

    September 26, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Hahaha oh lord.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been trick or treated in Australia.

  22. jendra_berri

    September 26, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    I’m not taking my 1.5 year old out for Halloween. Too much of a hassle. But I can’t help but SQUEEE over the babies who come to my door!

  23. Alys B. Cohen-Sacred Blood Aut

    September 27, 2014 at 4:20 am

    I don’t mind people taking their babies out. They’re enjoying the event with their babies. So chill. Would you rather see parents keep their kids inside until they’re old enough to understand everything? Seriously, quit trying to tell people to hole themselves up inside with their babies. I make special baby treats (bags with things for babies), and would really like to give them out to the babies whose parents don’t care about people like you being a spoilsport.

    • Samwisegamgeeeisthebesthobbit

      September 27, 2014 at 8:09 pm

      Up vote a thousand! You are so awesome for making things for babies! I was feeling pretty dejected by the comments I was getting on the other post about infants and trick or treating. Reading your comments have been a nice change.

    • Amanda

      November 1, 2014 at 12:30 pm

      Definitely don’t feel bad b/c there are haters out there. As long as you and your kids are happy, having a good time and not hurting anyone, then you are being a great Mommy!! It’s so crazy that doing a fun/harmless activity with your little one can actually upset people- lmao.=-O.

      Where there is a parade, there will always be someone that’s raining on it.

    • Samwisegamgeeeisthebesthobbit

      November 2, 2014 at 9:36 am

      Thank you for remembering and writing this. We did go trick or treating with my son. It was pretty chilly so we only went to a few houses. The people’s houses we went to were mostly just our neighbors but they couldn’t have been more kind. If it had been nicer out we may have done more because my son really seemed to enjoy watching everyone bustle about in the street. The small amount of candy he received just went back into the bowl for the kids who came to our house. Although I did pick a bunch up that was on sale the day after and will be dropping it off at the nursing home tomorrow. Thanks again for your kind words!

    • Amanda

      November 1, 2014 at 12:23 pm

      I agree. Love your comments on this, and special baby bags!? That is so f *n awesome and a very nice thing to do 😀

  24. M.

    September 27, 2014 at 8:05 am

    I took my baby out in a homemade costume with a friend who had an older kid (I didn’t take him up to doors, though, I think I maybe took him to 2 or 3). They rode in a wagon together and it was totes adorbs. If candy is NOT a precious commodity, who gives a crap who you hand it to? Don’t be the Halloween grump!

  25. brebay

    September 27, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Nothing where you get candy is a waste of time.

  26. Liberty

    September 28, 2014 at 2:28 am

    Thank you for this sensible post! 😀

  27. wonderstruck

    September 28, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Totally with you. My kid is a year and a half. He didn’t go last year and hes not going this year. You want the neighbors to see them all dressed up? Then have them with you in costume as you hand out candy. But making others in your neighborhood fork out candy for your kid that is clearly not old enough to eat it? Lame. Buy your own candy.

  28. Allthingsblue

    September 29, 2014 at 12:42 am

    I loathe the trunk-or-treat.

  29. Living Corpse

    September 30, 2014 at 2:37 am

    The irony. Clearly this was written by a baby as I all hear while reading this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Oh no children are noisy horrible beings. Please, grow [email protected][email protected]

  30. Pingback: Things That Might Happen When You Trick-Or-Treat With A Toddler

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