Look, if you want to dress sexy on Halloween, more power to you. I find the cultural obsession with "Slut-o-ween" obnoxious, and yet another male gaze-enforced, societal catch 22 for women in which we're expected to be sexy but -- gasp! -- not that sexy! Do you this Halloween, in whatever outfit that might be. IMHO the best part of the holiday is that it gives you ample opportunity to embarrass your kids by wearing something ridiculous (family costumes FTW). And if you are in the mood to show some skin this October, might I suggest one of these super hot Disney costumes? Because why be a sexy nurse when you can be a sexy Jack Sparrow instead?
Seriously, I wasn't kidding. There is a sexy Jack Sparrow costume and it is swashbuckingly awesome. Bizarro British accent sold separately.
2. Peter Pan
This costume is a lot cuter than the one Allison Williams will be wearing in the live Peter Pan musical. But did they really need to stitch "I <3 Lost Boys" onto the front? #creeperpan
3. Mad Hatter
This looks like something Lady Gaga would design on a celebrity season of Project Runway. Make it work, little monsters!
4. Animal from The Muppets
I'm fairly certain 99.9 percent of the population has never once thought "Hey, maybe I'll be a sexy version of that terrifying drummer on The Muppets for Halloween this year." But imagine how happy that .01 percent is right now?!
Now this is a costume! Ursula from The Little Mermaid is one of the most terrifying Disney villains, and being scary and sexy on Halloween deserves some sort of prize (all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups).
Sexy and pop culturally relevant to 2014! Wearing this is the closest any of us will come to marrying Brad Pitt.
7. Miss Piggy
The best part about this outfit is that you can reuse it for your Miss Piggy themed ballet recital in the spring.
Apparently Belle was a contestant on The Bachelor before finding her happily ever after with The Beast.
There's nothing sexy about cultural appropriation, which makes this costume doubly embarrassing.
10. Mickey Mouse
Take away the mouse ears and the giant furry banana boots, and you have an outfit Taylor Swift wears while leaving the gym.