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being a mom

Baby Fat: 3 Things That F Up When You Are F’ing To Make A Baby

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Once you are trying to conceive, the mental list of times and places that you have absolutely zero desire to have sex seems to grow. For example, after a very long day of work. Or after a very long night of drinking. Or after a very long day of day drinking. You quickly find yourself scheduling sex with your husband like you would a dental appointment. Because we all know there is a narrow window and I’ll be damned if I can’t tell my gynecologist with certainty that “Yes, we are timing our intercourse!”

 

Most would agree that sex is awesome. So why isn’t more of it even more awesome?

 

The first month you started “trying” there were candles and music. The excitement of entering a new phase of your life and your relationship was almost palpable.  Flash forward four months and you are the girl hiking up your dress in a hotel room before your friend’s wedding barking at your husband to “Hurry up and get it going! The shuttles are leaving in 15 minutes!”

 

You gotta do what you gotta do. And the Period App on your iPhone says you have to do it – NOW!

 

Though we all know there are many things that can kill the mood, over the last few months I’ve noticed a distinct pattern of obstacles that you must overcome in the scheduled sex department in order to stay on track.  I give you:

 

“The Three F’s That F-Up F’ing”

 

1.  Fighting

My husband and I don’t fight very often. But when we do, you know the last thing we want to do in the middle of an argument? Have sex. And I’m not talking about makeup sex once the disagreement is dealt with and put to rest. I’m talking about us still bickering about something at 11:45pm on a Tuesday and, knowing we still have a “date with each other,” doing the self-induced forced makeup like we are children being told to say “sorry.”

In bed.

 

ME: “Can we just talk about this in the morning?!”

MY HUSBAND: “Fine.”

ME: “Fine!”

(Silence.)

ME: “We should probably start kissing or something.”

 

2.  Fatigue

Busted! With all the screwing you are doing during the “sex week” each month, it’s not uncommon to be totally worn out and not want to have sex. Again.

In bed.  Day 6 of Scheduled Sex.

MY HUSBAND: So we need to do it again tonight, right?

ME: Yep.

(Silence.)

ME: I mean, I can check my App just to be sure.

MY HUSBAND: (yawning) Yeah, I mean just check to be totally sure.

ME: (yawning) I think if we do it in the morning it will still count if you want to do that instead.

(Silence.)

ME: Baby?

MY HUSBAND: Mrrng’s gd, nite beby.

3. Family

Two weeks ago my husband and I were home visiting my parents. I think for most people, the time in their life they thought about sex the most was while living at their parents’ house. I was no exception. However, at no time did I actually want tohave sex at my parents’ house. And not much has changed in that area in the many years since I’ve lived at home. Just knowing that my parents are down the hall (not to mention the childhood paraphernalia surrounding me, wrecking havoc on my mental state) is enough to make me want to promptly turn out the light and go straight to sleep. However this is just not an option when you are on a strict baby making schedule.

 

In bed. My childhood bedroom at my parents’ house.

ME: Let’s just get this over with.

MY HUSBAND: Do your parents ever come in without knocking?

ME: Nooooooo! I’m an adult. What kind of family do you think I come from?

(Silence.)

ME: I’ll lock the door just in case.

Needless to say, baby making has no shortage of “F’d” up scenarios that I never even realized existed before we started trying. But though there are plenty of “frustrations” that surface after being at it for awhile, the most important “F word” to remember in the whole process “FUN”. You gotta remember to keep it fun. Because while it’s easy to focus on the annoyances of the “F’s” above, I’ll admit we’ve really had plenty of our share of fun too. It’s brought us closer for sure and we’ve certainly found a ton to laugh about. And we really shouldn’t be complaining. We don’t have that “first child” yet to add to the list of “F’s” – apparently they really “F-Up the F’ing!”

 

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