being a mom

Baby Fat: 3 Things That F Up When You Are F’ing To Make A Baby

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Once you are trying to conceive, the mental list of times and places that you have absolutely zero desire to have sex seems to grow. For example, after a very long day of work. Or after a very long night of drinking. Or after a very long day of day drinking. You quickly find yourself scheduling sex with your husband like you would a dental appointment. Because we all know there is a narrow window and I’ll be damned if I can’t tell my gynecologist with certainty that “Yes, we are timing our intercourse!”

 

Most would agree that sex is awesome. So why isn’t more of it even more awesome?

 

The first month you started “trying” there were candles and music. The excitement of entering a new phase of your life and your relationship was almost palpable.  Flash forward four months and you are the girl hiking up your dress in a hotel room before your friend’s wedding barking at your husband to “Hurry up and get it going! The shuttles are leaving in 15 minutes!”

 

You gotta do what you gotta do. And the Period App on your iPhone says you have to do it – NOW!

 

Though we all know there are many things that can kill the mood, over the last few months I’ve noticed a distinct pattern of obstacles that you must overcome in the scheduled sex department in order to stay on track.  I give you:

 

“The Three F’s That F-Up F’ing”

 

1.  Fighting

My husband and I don’t fight very often. But when we do, you know the last thing we want to do in the middle of an argument? Have sex. And I’m not talking about makeup sex once the disagreement is dealt with and put to rest. I’m talking about us still bickering about something at 11:45pm on a Tuesday and, knowing we still have a “date with each other,” doing the self-induced forced makeup like we are children being told to say “sorry.”

In bed.

 

ME: “Can we just talk about this in the morning?!”

MY HUSBAND: “Fine.”

ME: “Fine!”

(Silence.)

ME: “We should probably start kissing or something.”

 

2.  Fatigue

Busted! With all the screwing you are doing during the “sex week” each month, it’s not uncommon to be totally worn out and not want to have sex. Again.

In bed.  Day 6 of Scheduled Sex.

MY HUSBAND: So we need to do it again tonight, right?

ME: Yep.

(Silence.)

ME: I mean, I can check my App just to be sure.

MY HUSBAND: (yawning) Yeah, I mean just check to be totally sure.

ME: (yawning) I think if we do it in the morning it will still count if you want to do that instead.

(Silence.)

ME: Baby?

MY HUSBAND: Mrrng’s gd, nite beby.

3. Family

Two weeks ago my husband and I were home visiting my parents. I think for most people, the time in their life they thought about sex the most was while living at their parents’ house. I was no exception. However, at no time did I actually want tohave sex at my parents’ house. And not much has changed in that area in the many years since I’ve lived at home. Just knowing that my parents are down the hall (not to mention the childhood paraphernalia surrounding me, wrecking havoc on my mental state) is enough to make me want to promptly turn out the light and go straight to sleep. However this is just not an option when you are on a strict baby making schedule.

 

In bed. My childhood bedroom at my parents’ house.

ME: Let’s just get this over with.

MY HUSBAND: Do your parents ever come in without knocking?

ME: Nooooooo! I’m an adult. What kind of family do you think I come from?

(Silence.)

ME: I’ll lock the door just in case.

Needless to say, baby making has no shortage of “F’d” up scenarios that I never even realized existed before we started trying. But though there are plenty of “frustrations” that surface after being at it for awhile, the most important “F word” to remember in the whole process “FUN”. You gotta remember to keep it fun. Because while it’s easy to focus on the annoyances of the “F’s” above, I’ll admit we’ve really had plenty of our share of fun too. It’s brought us closer for sure and we’ve certainly found a ton to laugh about. And we really shouldn’t be complaining. We don’t have that “first child” yet to add to the list of “F’s” – apparently they really “F-Up the F’ing!”

 

28 Comments

  1. Eve Vawter

    June 3, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    When your husband starts giggling it kills me plus CAT CAMEO

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 3, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      The males in my life, always stealing the show.

  2. SarahJane86

    June 3, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    My husband and I are about to embark on our first ovulation week TTC number 3. I’m really nervous.

    My daughter was conceived after literally one time of wholly unprotected sex (we were using pull and pray, and neither pulled, nor prayed) and my son was conceived within one cycle.

    I have no idea how I’ll cope if we have to try for more than two or three cycles, even though the rational part of me knows healthy couples our age can take up to a year.

    Thank you for the anxiety relieving giggle. It’s helped immensely.

    • Infertility sucks

      June 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      Thanks for sharing your story about how easy it was for you to get pregnant, and how much it would suck if it takes longer than three months!

    • SarahJane86

      June 3, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      Hey, if it helps, we nearly lost my daughter to complications due to incompetent cervix at 23 weeks and between the two pregnancies I spent 12 weeks in hospital, had five cervical stitch procedures, 2 of which were with zero pain relief and 20+ weeks on bedrest.

      My daughter went on to be born at 32 weeks and spent 26 days in the NICU.

      We might conceive quickly but, the reproductive fairy isn’t very nice to us either.

      But thanks for that, thanks a whole lot.

    • Infertility sucks

      June 3, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      Sorry for your struggle- seriously- and glad your daughter is OK.

      However, anyone with even an ounce of self awareness would know that posting how easy it was for them to get pregnant on a TTC article might not be met with all smiles.

    • SarahJane86

      June 3, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      Was that all I talked about? Or did I discuss secondary/ tertiary infertility? Whatever you call it third time around? Did I say I was worried and nervous about my own ability to cope?

      I’m scared and worried. I’m allowed to talk about it, whether you get butt hurt or not.

      Anyone with an ounce of self awareness would realise getting the baby in is half the battle. For all you know, I had 5 miscarriages, too. Lots and lots of people don’t have much trouble conceiving but can’t keep a baby on board for whatever reason.

      I’m sorry you’re struggling, but other people have other negative TTC experiences, and sometimes those experiences include simplicity with their previous conceptions.

      Something like 60% of infertility cases are secondary. It is what it is.

    • coffeeandshoes

      June 8, 2014 at 12:30 am

      Yeah, but two or three cycles is decidedly NOT infertility. For primary, it’s the inability to conceive after a year of trying, and for secondary, it’s the inability to conceive after being pregnant before (admittedly, it sounds to me like the timing issue is pretty vague with this). And while I can imagine that it could be a bit of a concern, I think the ‘I have no idea how I’ll cope’ if it doesn’t happen immediately is a bit…tone deaf, given the topic of the article. As one who tried for about 10 months before treatment (because I’m 37), did get pregnant via IUI, and miscarried at just after 8 weeks, I find it hard to be overly sympathetic that it might take more than one cycle.

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      You are so welcome! Now you get to experience both sides of the coin 🙂 Glad it was so easy for you the first time.

    • Bree

      June 3, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      Damn. Bitter, party of you.

    • Jem

      June 3, 2014 at 12:56 pm

      I conceived my son on the very first try. I thought I was invincible. Now I’m going on 8 months trying for #2 and NOTHING. and I’m fairly young still. I was cocky before, watch out. It sucks.

    • Natasha B

      June 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      We had the same issue. Stopped taking the pill, got pregnant a week later with our son. Took over a year to get pregnant with our daughter though.

    • Momma425

      June 3, 2014 at 9:32 pm

      Yeah, pretty much.
      I have been pregnant 4 times without trying (son born still, have a healthy and happy 5 year old, and have had 2 miscarriages- one was while taking BC).
      Now, we’re trying and NOTHING. Plus “trying” in the first place, at least for us has been just awkward and sucks.

  3. JenH1986

    June 3, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    Our parents live within 30 minutes of us so no overnights! YAY. Can I get an amen on the fatigue. I feel like I need the break between sex weeks to recharge.

  4. emilyg25

    June 3, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Ugh, after fighting was the worst.

    • Eve Vawter

      June 3, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      am prettttyy sure one of my babies was conceived out of anger

    • Momma425

      June 3, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      My husband and I are stuck in a Fighting and Fatigue cycle rut. I’m not kidding, each night, we rotate between fatigue problems and then fighting problems. The. sex. is. not. fun.
      🙁

  5. Jem

    June 3, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    can I get a hallelujah to the fatigue one? My husband is in grad school, I work full time and we have a 2 year old under foot. That scenario for fatigue was basically me and my husband to a T

    • LucyBlakeesas

      June 3, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      my Aunty
      Allison recently got a nice 6 month old Jaguar by working from a macbook.this website C­a­s­h­d­u­t­i­e­s­.­C­O­M­

    • LucyBlakeesas

      June 3, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      just before I looked at the receipt ov $8130 , I
      didn’t believe that my sister woz like actualy bringing in money part-time from
      there pretty old laptop. . there aunts neighbour has been doing this 4 only
      about 22 months and at present repayed the mortgage on their appartment and
      bought themselves a Chrysler . see here M­o­n­e­y­d­u­t­i­e­s­.­C­O­M­

    • JulesInNC

      June 3, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      That is EXACTLY our situation. (Are you us?) We had to rally a few times last month to find the energy to give it a go, but apparently it worked, ’cause I’m now 6 weeks along. Bring on the insanity, round 2!

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 3, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      Congratulations!

    • JulesInNC

      June 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Thanks 🙂 Love the post, and the video with your husband. He’s a good sport, and you guys are hilarious.

  6. Jessifer

    June 3, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    No. 3 for me! We conceived during Thanksgiving weekend with my parents sleeping in the next room and my SIL & BIL across the hall. Totally awkward, of course, but we had a winner that month!

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      Omg, hilarious! You are a braver woman than me.

  7. Valerie

    June 3, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    I love the video- you and your husband seem like such a fun couple!!! Best of luck in trying to get pregnant!! Loving these posts!

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 4, 2014 at 12:18 pm

      Thanks so much! He puts up with a lot from me. 🙂

  8. Nimue

    June 5, 2014 at 10:49 am

    I just want to say that my husband and I just started trying and are only two months into the process, but this your series has been amazingly cathartic for us and we absolutely love it!!!

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