Ugh, see? All I had planned for the Fourth of July was some day-drinking and sparklers by the pool. Now I’m going to have to get my ass to the front lines of battle! Liberals really need to consider using some sort of shareable calendar, this sort of thing requires planning. In case you missed it, conspiracy theorist and walking, talking festering sore Alex Jones killed our plans for a surprise attack when he shared the news about the Second Civil War. If your Evite went to spam, here’s the gist: liberals are planning a massive civil war to take place today, on the Fourth of July. Jones is known for his ridiculous theories (he’s the Sandy Hook truther, after all), but they’re usually not at all hilarious. This one is pure gold, and of course, liberals responded in kind.
The Second Civil War could not be more poorly timed. After all, with all the liberals on the front lines, who will make the sangria and blow up the patriotic pool floats?
BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th https://t.co/38AWiUFaag
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) July 1, 2018
The news that our services would be needed for the war came as a surprise to a lot of us. It requires an immense amount of planning, how could we mobilize on such short notice?! Are we supposed to Uber to the front lines? Who’s in charge of snacks and drinks? Will there be child care? Who will design our uniforms (please say Christian Siriano!)?
People had questions!
Hey guys, I got snack duty, so I’m bringing some protein bars and water bottles. Any allergies I should know about? Would also like to know if anybody is bringing sunscreen because fighting fascism in the sun all day is not going to be good for my skin. #SecondCivilWar
— Shannon Purser (@shannonpurser) July 4, 2018
Guys… I overslept… did I miss the #SecondCivilWar or do you want me to stop by the store and get chips on the way or anything? Crap
— Hal Sparks (@HalSparks) July 4, 2018
Can we get this whole Second Civil War thing wrapped up by the weekend? The farmers' market is on Saturday and my kids ate all the chard. And I needs me some chard.
— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) July 4, 2018
Did the #SecondCivilWar start already? I got no e-mail, no text, no URL, no org chart, no instructions on where I should report, nothing. *sigh* Oh, Democrats, must this always be the way?
— Howard Sherman (@HESherman) July 4, 2018
Of course, it wouldn’t be the Second Civil War without some letters home.
During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.
Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.#secondcivilwarletters
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Brought deviled eggs to the battlefied to nourish the troops but we were overrun by MAGAt troops who claimed they were embryos that needed protection.
— THE GOVT. IS BROKEN. (@Blue_State_Joe) July 4, 2018
My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Deibert 🏳️🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018
My Dear John,
The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Blount (@amandablount2) July 2, 2018
I mean, I’m always down for a block party, but I’m going to need some details. How much glitter are we talking about here? I’m fine with weaponizing it. However, there needs to be a glitter vaccine for our side, you know? We know our potato salad will be seasoned WITHOUT RAISINS. But will there be a vegan menu? Treats for the dogs? Can we use Starbucks mobile ordering, or do I need to bring my French press?
I fear we have not planned well enough and will need to reschedule our Second Civil War, friends. Let’s all agree to meet at predetermined locations (let’s call them polling places to keep it easy) on, like November 6, 2018? Does that work for everyone?