Science Mom: Vagina Maintenance For Dummies (And Everyone Else)

Vaginas! About half of the world has one, and yet referring frankly to one in public tends to have much the same effect as screaming “FIRE!” in a crowded place. (Fun fact: throwing an unused tampon in its original packaging into a gathering of fraternity boys works about the same way as throwing a live grenade, but with much less mess if you just want them to stop hitting on you or to vacate their bar table so you and your friends can sit down.) Because of the taboo around vagina-talk, there are a lot of misconceptions out there over how to properly care for and maintain one. If you happen to a.) have a vagina, or b.) be the parent of a child who is in possession of a vagina, here’s what you need to know.

1. How to clean a vagina.

No soap required! Warm water and a washcloth will do you just fine. Vaginas are much like self-cleaning ovens, although much less likely to overheat and explode. Sudsing up your downstairs region is a no-go, because soap does two different things that you don’t want to have happen. First, it upsets the delicate pH balance of your vaginal ecosystem–a healthy vagina is supposed to be naturally on the acidic side, but soap destroys that acidity. Secondly, soap has antibacterial effects, and while that might sound on the surface like a good thing, remember that not all bacteria are bad! The vast majority of microscopic creepy-crawlies living all up in your business are on Team You.

So between a changing pH and other antibacterial effects, the application of soap to that miniature Circle of Life going on in your pants is going to upset the natural order of things. Clearing out your friendly neighborhood crotch-bacteria means that microbes of the not-so-friendly variety can move in, and that’s how things like yeast infections can crop up. (More on that joy later.)

And as for douching? Absolutely not. Besides upsetting the status quo pH balance just as much as soap does, douching can introduce all kinds of foreign bacteria into your nethers. There’s a reason we call that awful ex-boyfriend of yours a ‘douchebag’: because both he and it are abjectly terrible for you.

2. How a vagina is supposed to smell.

Spoiler alert: vaginas have a smell to them. Additional spoiler: they do not smell like roses or cinnamon or unicorn farts. They smell like … vaginas. A healthy vagina has a natural odor to it, and while if you detect an unpleasant whiffiness (“fishy” is the usual adjective) something might be up, don’t listen to a sexual partner who tells you something is wrong with your vagina just because it smells like itself. Deodorized menstrual pads and sprays can alter the pH balance and make things even worse (except for the company who is now happily collecting your money for additional vagina-scent-obscuring products).

3. How to bleed for seven days and not die.

Not everyone who has a vagina also has a period, thanks to various hormonal situations or birth control setups. But if you do, you have a number of options on how to handle it (aside from the obvious choice of 1. “soldier on with a truckload of Ibuprofen and chocolate” or 2. “assume the fetal position; cry a lot”):

—Pads/sanitary napkins. The easiest and most default-tastic option. Downside: you can’t go swimming, and you may feel like you are wearing a diaper. Also an issue is the fact that you’re essentially wearing your menses directly against your body, so this method can cause odor problems. Alleviate the problem by changing your pad every few hours and cleaning well in between.

—Tampons. Less waste than pads, especially if you can figure out how to manage with the no-applicator kind. (Which is also a cheap way to go, since you can buy a package of like 9 trillion no-applicator tampons for $5 at Target. The downside is that if you do, you will find these tampons spilling out of every purse and backpack you own for the rest of your life.) Ideally, you’ll match the tampon absorbency to your personal flow; if you leave a tampon in for six or eight hours and it’s hard to remove, you are probably using Too Much Tampon, and it’s absorbing your normal vaginal mucus as well as your menses: suboptimal. But if you find that it’s overloaded or that it’s leaked onto the string, you are using Not Enough Tampon.

—Cloth pads. Same issues as standard disposable pads in terms of sanitation, but if you’re already destroying the planet by putting your kids in disposable diapers as I am, this is a small step on the path to less landfill use. A lot of cloth pads can just be thrown straight into the washing machine with your regular laundry (pre-rinsing or soaking can help with stains), but be careful about putting them in the dryer, since too long or too hot of a tumble-dry can damage their water-proof lining or make the cover less absorbent. And wearing a non-water-proof, non-absorbent wad of cloth in your pants is pretty pointless.

—Menstrual cup. Eco-friendly, low-odor, and not for the squeamish, the cup is held in place by your vaginal muscles. Also comes in different sizes, so be sure to get the right one, or leakage will be an issue. I am not hardcore enough for a DivaCup, but if you are, I salute you.

—A combination. If you have a heavy flow, or play some variety of sportsball, wearing a tampon in conjunction with a panty-liner or light pad can be a good option: tag-teaming your gear can help prevent overflow and save you from an awkward conversation with your karate instructor about that little red spot on the back of your uniform.

4. How to care for an ailing vagina.

So you have an STI. No big deal! (And as a side note, before anyone asks no, you did not get a yeast infection from eating too much bread. Wrong species, and wrong infection route–unless you are REALLY bad at eating sandwiches.) No matter how carefully you take care of your vagina, this stuff happens. To help heal faster, there are a few things you can do. First of all, no fragrance. That means no washing your underpants in your favorite scented detergent, no deodorized pads or tampons, and no perfumes or lotions in the general area. Fragrances can irritate any vagina, let alone an already-aggravated one. It’s also a good idea to skip wearing pantyhose, tights, or leggings, which trap heat and moisture against your vagina–you wouldn’t put a flu patient’s face under a pillow, would you? Let your vagina breathe too. And last but not least, invest in a few pairs of good old-fashioned white cotton underwear: yes, granny panties. No dyes, absorbent fabric to wick away moisture; you may feel like a frump, but wouldn’t you rather be a frump with a vagina on the mend?

(Feature image: itVega / Shutterstock)