Holidays

The 10 Most Amazing Reviews Of Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

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Hold on to your hats, everyone: your friend and mine Kirk Cameron is back to talk about his steaming turd of a film, Saving Christmas, and – can you believe it? – the movie apparently isn’t doing so hot. Say it ain’t so, Kirk!

Yes, apparently, there isn’t much of a niche for Gospel of Luke fan fiction that paints materialism (in the name of Jesus!) as the reason for the season. For something that has less Biblical basis than the idea that Jesus might have ridden a dinosaur into Jerusalem rather than a donkey, I don’t understand why the prosperity gospel has so much staying power. I guess our world of heartless nonbelievers just wasn’t ready for a film in which the bad guy is the one who says that maybe Christmas has become too commercialized. WWJD? Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, or go shopping on Black Friday?

Cameron took to Facebook to ask for help from the legions of people who are still willing to give him money to feed their persecution complex. Could they, he begged, help fix up the flagging Rotten Tomatoes reviews that Saving Christmas has been racking up? (In case you’re curious, the page currently has the movie at an overall rating of 8%, while the score for this Christmas turkey from ‘top critics’ is a big, fat goose egg.)

Fans responded, of course, to Dear Leader’s call by padding the movie’s ratings with their own wildly over-generous reviews. But when the rest of the Internet caught wind of Cameron’s game, they responded in kind. There are currently 150 pages of Rotten Tomatoes audience reviews for this movie, and I’ve waded through to find the best responses to Cameron’s smarmy propaganda.

1. I’ll go out on a limb and say ‘nothing good’

kirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 2If you haven’t watched the trailer yet, save it for when you start to feel like you have too much faith in humanity. Since we’ll be watching people tear each other apart over Elsa dolls in about two days, you’re probably going to want to hold off.

2. Won’t someone please think of the meat?

kirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 4

kirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 9I couldn’t pick between these two offensive-to-meat comments. Leave ham out of this, please.

3. Saving Kirk Cameron’s walletkirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 3“You need to pay to go see my crappy movie to put mud in those non-believers’ eyes! And because Jesus wants you too. Yeah, that one.”

4. Try the entry for ‘persecution complex’kirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 1At least you’ll probably learn more about the actual history of Christmas by reading the dictionary.

5. That would really take a miracle

kirk cameron saving christmas rotten tomatoes review 6Jesus doesn’t have time to watch crappy movies like this, he’s too busy re-reading the New Testament trying to figure out where KC got the idea that he would have been pro-material goods and wealth.

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