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Resolution Week: Seven Things I Won’t Be Doing In 2014 Besides Getting Pregnant

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I have two little kids and that is enough for me on most days, so I certainly will not be getting pregnant in 2014.  But my list goes way beyond reproduction.  While everyone is making their list of things they should do or change in the New Year, these are my resolutions not to do — as in, for better or worse, I’m keeping these things just the way they are.

In 2014 I vow NOT to:

1.  Get Pinterested.

I signed up for a Pinterest account in 2011 and the first time I logged in I spent hours browsing sites, picking the perfect board names, and pinning pictures of a me I longed to be.  And when the work day was over and I logged off, I felt absolutely terrible about myself.  I vowed never to log on again and although I have been tempted many times, I refuse to break that streak in 2014.

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2.  Play Candy Crush.

I am always shocked at how many of my friends are into this game.  My writer friends, my lawyer friends, my babysitters.  No one is immune from the addiction of this game.  I have an addictive personality as it is, so I just know it’s best for me not to even try to play even once because before I know it I would be curled up in a ratty blanket on a street corner willing to do anything just to buy my way to another level.  Candy Crush is the gateway game.

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3.  Watch What Does The Fox Say.

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I admit I was more intrigued than ever when I saw a few snippets on some pop culture 2013 round-up yesterday, but I’ve never watched the video “what does the fox say?”  I learned my lesson in 2012 when I opened my ears to Gangnam Style.  Part of my addictive personality?  Catchy shitty songs just play on a loop in my head until I want to go mad.  Does anyone remember The Thong Song?  *shudder*

4.  Go With The Flow.

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I enjoy being a contrarian.  Most of the time — like when it comes to viral videos that drive everyone crazy — it serves me well.  As soon as everyone is talking about it, whatever ‘it’ is becomes dead to me.  For better or for worse. (For worse would be the fact that I’ve never seen a single episode of Breaking Bad.  My husband might forgive me if I start the series this year.)

5.  Deny Myself Bad TV.

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I’m not above those Real Housewives, but let’s be honest they are getting WAAAAY boring.  I am so tired of the same casts, the same crazy, the same over the top ridiculousness.  Last season I gave up on the original OC cast and I’ve officially quit the Bev Hills clan too.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy bad TV.  I’m looking forward to the new twist in the Real World (inviting cast mates exes to the pad) and the grossness that will be 100 Days Of Summer.

6.  Act Like I’m Not Totally In Love With Tina Fey And Amy Poehler.  

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These chicks are hilarious, smart and gorgeous.  They are mothers, writers and charitable celebrities.  I look up to them in every single way there is to idolize a person and I can’t wait to watch them host the Golden Globes again…and again.

7.  Grow Up.  

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I recently whined about not feeling like a grown up because of all your Facebook pictures at Thanksgiving and I was so inspired by our Eve’s rebellion against what we can and can’t do after a certain age.  So fuck it.  I’m not growing up.  I’ve got two kids and a husband and bills to pay — and I won’t shirk those responsibilities.  But I don’t have to live by someone else’s idea of who I should be, or how my table should be set or what words I can and can’t add to my vocabulary.  If that’s what it means to be a grown up, count me out.

(photo: Lucy Liu/Shutterstock)

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