Double Effing Newsflash! Deranged Sorority Girl Is Back And Spouting Dating Protips
DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH! Deranged sorority girl, Rebecca Martinson, is back and writing a column for some dudebro website when Koa Beck totally offered her a job at Mommyish which would have looked much better on her resume and REBECCA THE JOB OFFER IS STILL OPEN SO GET IN TOUCH WITH KOA!
In Rebecca’s new dating column, she offers tips on how you can get boys to text you after you have met them at a bar, and she suggests the following be displayed during episodes of the Kardashians:
“ATTENTION: NO SANE MAN GOES TO THE BAR TO NOT TRY TO STICK IT IN. HE IS NOT THERE TO GET TO KNOW YOU. HE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH. HE IS THERE TO GIVE YOU THE D FOR FREE”
She has many other helpful tips, and the sad thing is that the entire article is NOT done in caplocks and one thing I have learned from Rebecca is how awesome using caplock is so I am going to ask Koa if I can write ALL OF MY ARTICLES IN CAPLOCK. Rebecca offers these other bon mots for your consideration:
This is why you only partially put out. Dance, stick your tongue down his throat, grab his junk for an over the pants handy, whatever, just don’t go home with him. Yeah he might go home with someone else that night, but the morning after he’s going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk, not the nice Communications major that like, is so like into like, something he doesn’t remember because it didn’t relate to getting his D wet.
Hear that ladies? Do not give away the cookies on the first date.
I’m trying to think of us parents and how we can translate all of her advice to parenting, and this is what I come up with:
Rebecca’s Advice:
2. Run awayyy!
Not literally because that would look stupid, but say something that implies you’re about to leave so he asks for your number. It can be as simple as “I’m going home, want my number?,” but nothing too complicated like “My DVR is set to record Millionaire Matchmaker but I want it to tape Real Housewives and I need to go change it because the season finale is on and I’m really excited because blah blah something.” Simple is always better, and besides changing your DVR isn’t a good reason to go home early and he’ll think you’re odd. Anyways, exchange numbers and then either leave or do your best not to see him the rest of the night.
My Advice:
Run Awayyyyy!
No, literally run away because your kid is asking you to play Barbies again or one of those stupid, boring board (BORED) games and you literally have to fix your DVR because Millionaire Matchmaker is on but also The Real Housewives season finale and if you lock yourself in your bedroom you probably have time to hide from your kids for five minutes to get this shit done. Don’t keep it simple with your kids, you want to make your excuse complicated enough to confuse them. YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST NOT TO SEE THEM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY BUT IT WON’T WORK BECAUSE THEY NEED FOOD.
I’m conflicted about Rebecca because I admire her gumption and her caplock usage and her use of the word “cunt punt” but I really hated her derogatory “retard” insults and her homophobic slang. It seems in her new column she has toned it down a bit which is good but also, not as funny. She needs to find a way to be as balls to the wall as she is without being so hateful towards people. LIKE ME. I can give her lessons!
(Photo: Linn Currie/shutterstock)
