I’ve already written about how housework is all that and the proverbial bag of chips, but I thought I’d take another minute to write about all of the reasons that you should clean on No Housework Day, because I’m edgy or something.
1. You’re a BAMF
The internet and Gregoian calendar isn’t the boss of you, and therefore, it can’t tell you what to do. You do what you want, because you are a rebel. A rebel with a swiffer mop and a mimosa, telling arbitrary made-up holidays to eat it.
2. You’re a BAMFSAHM
Sorry, but staying at home is super boring. Yes, it’s rewarding and magical and (insert platitude here) but it’s also very boring. Less so when your children are in preschool, and then infinitely more sucktastic when they get to regular people school. There are only so many times you can rewatch every season of Law and Order: SVU before you start contemplating dark, horrible things. You might as well dust something.
3. People Will Leave You Alone
When I want people to step off, I grab a toilet brush because everyone gives me a wide berth. If they do approach me, I immediately ask them to please empty the dishwasher, and then suddenly they have stuff to do, leaving me free to blast Bollywood Dance Hits over my headphones and go to my happy place.
4. Cleaning Gadgets and Doohickeys
I am like a magpie in that small, shiny things instantly grab my attention and then I need them. It is for this reason that I am no longer allowed to wander down the “Kitchen Gadgets” aisle in Target or visit Williams-Sonoma in five different cities. The cleaning aisle is almost as good, because it is there that you can get that big fluffy thing that cleans fans and that small fluffy thing that cleans blinds. Also, if you don’t love cleaning, this is a great way to skirt it altogether. Why? Because it gives you the appearance of looking like you’re maybe going to clean, and then after you get it all home, you feel accomplished enough to not have to.
5. Mmmm, fumes
Delicious, delicious fumes. Do you know why the back of the bottle always has instructions that tell you to clean in well-ventilated areas? Because no one wants you to have any fun, that’s why.
For the unitiated, sharkteeth are the little triangle lines that you make in your carpet by being an absolute boss at vacuuming. Not only do they look amazing, if you’re tripping balls from 20 minutes in a shower stall with KABOOM! they will blow your mind.
7. Cheap Therapy
When I am angry about something in my life, I like to imagine my problems are fingerprints on the mirror and gently wipe them away. Just kidding! I like to slam stuff around and swear a lot, which is why cleaning is a great activity for me when I’m pissed.
8. Emotional Blackmail
Keeping score in a marriage is a really great way to make sure your relationship lasts by ensuring that you aren’t getting shafted. That’s why I suggest a chore chart. Keep track of all of the cleaning that you do so that you can use it as ammo in an argument later.
9. Productive Procrastination
You have stuff to do, but that stuff is boring and lame and you probably don’t wanna. If you choose to sit on the couch and watch TV or troll the BabyCenter boards all day, you leave yourself open to accusations of laziness. Instead, convince yourself that you absolutely can not even consider setting a dental appointment with all of the chores you have to do. Busy, busy, busy.
“Oh, sorry about the mess,” you can say when some lesser being steps foot into your sparkling home. We all know what this is code for. This is code for “tell me how clean my house is right now or GTFO”. You may not judge dirty houses, but that doesn’t mean you can’t humblebrag. You should humblebrag, because people love it, no matter what they say.
11. Less Accidental Suppositories
Accidental suppositories are what happens when you go to sit on the couch, but hiding beneath a pile of laundry, there’s a nerf gun or magic marker.
Your kids want an allowance for picking their crap up, so why shouldn’t you get a reward? I suggest wine. Fold a towel, drink some wine. Wipe a counter, drink some wine. Move a book from one spot on the coffee table to another, drink some wine.
13. Ooh! A dollar!
Once upon a time, I was a professional organizer. I was helping a client get organized, and we kept finding money; in her winter coats, tucked into books, jammed in the couch. By the time we were done, we found $250 in cash and gift cards. You don’t have to clean the whole house, just go clean your coat pockets. Spend it on wine.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not cleaning on No Housework Day if especially if your hobbies include not being awesome and wallowing in stank. That’s totally understood. For the rest of us, though, we’ll be over here partying with the help of Easy Off Bam and Cabernet.