First-time parents change the diaper as soon as it feels even the slightest bit heavier. But after a few months (and several hundreds of dollars in diapers), you get smarter. You wait until that diaper looks like it's actually impeding your kid's ability to walk or move their legs. You wait until your kid looks like a Kardashian, such is the heft of their booty. Then there are the kids that just unload a metric ton of poop at once. If your toddler is looking a little fluffier than usual, it might be time for the ol' squeeze and sniff.
Is he picking up what you're putting down? They say that the quickest way to man's heart is through his stomach. So if you've got that baby fever and your dude isn't picking up on your verbal clues, it might be time to drop some edible hints. But let's be honest: most men would see a plate of sperm bacon heading toward an egg and just see breakfast. Maybe if you put little pictures of baby faces on the bacon, and a picture of yourself on the egg. When it comes to men, you really can't be too obvious.
Don't even THINK about talking back, kid. See, kids have this (completely wrong) idea that because we ignore them and pretend we don't hear them, that we can't actually hear a mouse fart on the other side of the house. They are misguided in their doubts about our auditory skills. And the quickest way to turn their mild punishment into something bordering on RED ALERT is to mutter about us as they're walking away. WE HEAR YOU AND YOU'VE DONE DID IT NOW.
It's the only enjoyable thing about unloading a dishwasher, tbh. Don't pretend you don't do the same thing. The dishwasher, the boxed macaroni and cheese as you strain the noodles before adding the highly nutritious powdered cheese product. Those steam facials are some of the best parts of our day. Sometimes we'll get really fancy and grab a towel immediately out of the dryer and wrap it around our head. The fact that we can't hear our kids arguing in our warm towel cocoon is an added bonus.
Why do I keep falling for it? Bedtimes are their for a reason, and we really need to remember that. What's the harm in one more show?! Well, if you've ever tried to wake a sleeping honey badger who also has a thorn stuck in their foot and a toothache, then you know. Kids who stay up to late, even though they PROMISE not to give you grief in the morning, are just injured and angry honey badgers in the making. One of these days we'll remember that and send them to bed as soon as the sun goes down.
Can you at least put a helmet on the kid? We love how fun dads can be. Hell, we love how fun we can be! But let's be honest: moms have a running commentary in our brains of every single thing that can go wrong in every single situation. It's just a game of airplane, what's the harm? SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG. And then we start planning how we'll get our injured kid to the hospital while imagining all the things we'll yell at our doofus partners. Suddenly we're mapping a route to medical care that avoids traffic and mental mathing how much we have left on our deductible. Mom brain is fun.
I want a vodka, pretty much as soon as that party invitation comes home in the backpack. See, here's the thing. We WANT our kids to have friends and be social and get invited to stuff. But since they can't even wipe their butts without our help, we're sort of a package deal. So a birthday party for a classmate means socializing for you. Small talk and polite chuckles and asking about the kids and their activities. Ugh, I'd rather be anywhere else in the world. Kids party places really need to consider adding a cash bar, just sayin'.
I always knew my kids were just crying to be evil. You can sort of forgive a baby for crying (sort of). After all, they genuinely don't know what the hell they're doing, and they probably really do need you to help them in some way (good luck figuring out how though). But once your kid can talk? Then it becomes a game of WHY ARE YOU CRYING NOW? Crying because their sock is weird. Crying because they heard a noise, a noise they probably made. They're thirsty or hungry or have to pee. They're not tired or too tired or had a bad dream even though you literally left their room 2 minutes ago and heard them laughing from down the hall. It's a game, and they're winning.
The old you can't go to the mall right now. 'Cause she's dead. You know, I used to love showing my kids old pictures of my life, life before they came along. It was fun to reminisce and share those moments with them! But then they started asking questions and making comments. "Why are you so young here?" "Wow, look how skinny your arms were!" "How come you don't wear dresses like that anymore?" "Is that MAKEUP?!" Thanks, kids. Always nice to review all the ways in which you've taken my style and flare down a notch.
Thank goodness our ovaries don't run the show. Because those suckers are all over the place. Don't they remember what having a baby is actually like?! Aren't they aware of what all those eggs they house develop into? Yes, babies are cute and wee and sweet and smell so good. But they also cry and poop and spit up on everything. We've got to get better at drowning out the sound of our ovaries. NEVER LISTEN TO THEM. They conspire with our uterus once a month to kill us, why are we even giving them a seat at the table? I mean honestly.
Especially when I say, "Let me know what you want before I sit down!" No, see, they don't want anything when you're still up and in the position to actually get it for them. That would be too easy! They wait until you're settled, with a meal or work or a chore or just trying to freaking sit down for a minute. Then, they pounce. They're like the lions who stalk the watering hole, waiting for some poor, unsuspecting gazelle to stroll by for a sip. They look for weakness, and they exploit it.
We might choose to look like the top dinosaur when we discipline in public, but we can still whisper in their ears like the bottom one. See, the trick is making sure your kids understand that the bottom dinosaur is lying juuuuuuuuust beneath the surface of the top dinosaur. You've got to smile real big, put on your loving mom eyes, lean in close, and whisper in a tone that will make their blood run cold. Enjoy public mom for a bit longer, kiddos! We'll be home soon, and we don't forget anything.
I'm just over here, not watching you talk to that boy you have a crush on. Honestly, it's a real tough balance! Because we want our kids to thrive and be independent and not need us all the time. That's the goal, right? But really, we also want them to need us forever and we can never be too far away in case they need help or advice or someone to tell them their shoe is untied or their bra strap is showing. If not us, THEN WHO?! Also, we need to be able to see the cute boy so we can take a picture and use it to run facial recognition software to make sure he checks out. We're fine. It's fine.
Shall we dance in the style of Gangnam? Or maybe we can go hog wild and order TWO bottles of wine at dinner! SLOW DOWN KAREN, YOU HAVE PTA TOMORROW. In all honesty, we rather enjoy partying as a parent. It's so much easier and less expensive, lol. You don't need a new outfit, because it's been years since you've worn 70% of the clothes in your closet so they're all new to you! The hot clubs with the good dj's? Please, we need to go somewhere with quiet elevator music and comfy seats. Just give me a booth at a restaurant with a good tapas menu and decent bar, and I'm good.
Please, please, please, stop talking for one second. Just one second! Or better yet, after you ask for our attention the first time, TELL US WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT. Don't forget. Don't say never mind. Say our name, ask your question, and get the hell on with your life. Here's another suggestion: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. Guess what, kids?! You don't actually need MOM to hand you the plate of snacks that's literally touching your leg. It's OK to take some goddamn initiative and do it your damn self.
It was a simpler time.They were quiet and contained, and even when they went buckwild in your ute, it was nothing you couldn't manage. It's not like now, when they run for the hills or jump so much you're afraid their brains are turning into scrambled eggs. They ate what you ate (what a novel concept), slept when you slept (for the most part), and kept to themselves. We'll ignore the damage they did on the way out, though. It could have been much worse, we suppose.
How convenient that you're hungry at bedtime. Because you weren't hungry at breakfast time. And you weren't hungry at lunch time. You swore up and down that you weren't hungry at dinner time. There was that brief period after dinner when you thought you could have dessert so you pretended to be starving, but I put a kabosh on that with a quickness. You somehow, miraculously, weren't hungry all damn day, despite having access to a full kitchen and pantry full of food. And you're hungry NOW? Guess that means you'll be extra hungry in the morning, goodnight!
We'd get rid of the lock, but then how would we keep them out of the bathroom when we're using it? We need some sort of invisible bathroom, or a secret bathroom only accessible through fingerprint ID and retinal scan. How did we get here, you guys? When did wanting to pee along become an actual covert mission? All we want is some damn peace and quiet and to not answer a million questions about tampons and poop and pubic hair and the cartoon our kids watched earlier. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Who knew a raggedy teddy bear would be so damn important. You learn VERY quickly that lovies need to be purchased in duplicate and triplicate. Buying one of the blanket your kid loves? Rookie mistake. You buy the entire damn shelf of them, and you stash them around the house. Then, you take frequent pictures of the one they use, so that when they lose that one (and they will) you can match the stains and rips and worn spots on the new replacement. It's just smart parenting, you guys.
It's physical, it's mental, and it's emotional. We're not saying that people without kids aren't tired. In fact, we sort of hate that parents think they have the market cornered on exhaustion. Someone without kids who works three jobs plus goes to school at night? Hell yeah, they are TIRED. But parenting exhaustion is in your bones. It becomes part of your DNA. I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired, basically. I could sleep 12 hours tonight and still wake up exhausted. It's weird and annoying.
Where should we send your parenting medal? The first rule of parenting is NEVER brag about something your kid won't do. Never. Don't even think about it. This is for two reasons: one, it makes you an asshole. And two, you're pretty much guaranteeing that your kid will do THAT EXACT THING as soon as the words have left your mouth. And then you're left standing there with egg on your face, but no one will commiserate with you because you're the asshole who bragged about how your kid would never do something. You brought it on yourself, really.
They make so much noise during the day, but are completely silent at night. HOW. You will never know fear until you've cracked one eye open at 3 a.m. to find a child demon/your child standing inches from your face, staring silently. Like, are they sleepwalking? Are they awake? Are they here to kill you and suck the soul from your body so that they may become more powerful? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Small children should honestly wear little bells attached to their jammies. Those middle-of-the-night heart attacks suck.
Seriously, I can't look at your Minecraft village one more time. And no, I do not want to watch the one scene from the one episode of the one cartoon you've watched for 193857 days straight. No! I do not want to see it again! I know what happens, WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, and I've been having nightmares about it for weeks. Please, for the love of all things holy, find something new to show us. We beg of you. Our brains, they are sad and atrophied and they need new information and stimulation.
You see this face, you know a punishment is coming. When we tell you something, you are to answer in one way: OK MOM. Maybe add a "Thank you!" our of gratitude that we have bestowed upon you some of our priceless wisdom. If we hear any of the following, you will get that look: an exaggerated sigh, an eye roll, a grunt, a groan, a moan, or one of those "UGH" noises. Just try it, and see what happens. We've been waiting all day for an attitude from you, we know it's coming, and we are ready.
We tried to warn you, and yet, here you are. Talking back. Arguing. Trying to plead your case. In case you have forgotten, we do not care about your reasons. We just don't care! Even if we are wrong (LOL, like that ever happens) WE DO NOT CARE. See, we are not in this business to entertain your arguments or deal with your talking back. We don't care how valid your arguments are, go tell them to the dog. When we are done speaking, the conversation is over. Be real nice for all involved if you'd catch that clue.