Goodnight Moon is one of the most well-known and completely overrated children's books of our time. It's available in several languages, is a staple at baby showers and first birthdays, and it's so good that I had to dig our copy out from under my daughter's bed with a flashlight in order to write this post.
The main characters in Goodnight Moon are a tiny rabbit who's up past his bedtime, some old lady rabbit whose relation to the tiny rabbit remains cloaked in mystery, and basically all the shit in the entire universe this furry little bedtime-avoider could think to bid goodnight. I don't have any sources who can confirm it, but I'm convinced Go The F*ck To Sleep was actually crafted as a sequel to Goodnight Moon.
The first time I read Goodnight Moon, I expected some quaint magical tale worthy of the hipster cover art and the ubiquitous praise the book receives, but instead I landed in the middle of a screwed up Twilight Zone with mush-eating bunnies and I was left with questions. So many questions. Here are eight lingering questions parents have about Goodnight Moon:
1. How big is this bunny's bedroom?
Unless this book is actually stretched out in panoramic, that's a crazy big room for a baby rabbit. Are they living in an abandoned human-sized house? Is this actually happening inside of an Ikea? The lamp on the bedside table is larger than the rabbit-child. What is going on here?
2. Who thought giving the toddler bunny the room with the fireplace was a good idea?
I realize this was originally published in 1947, but kids still played with fire and burned themselves in 1947, yes? I mean, that was the year microwave ovens became available to the public. It wasn't exactly the stone age, and even in the stone age they probably weren't like, here kids! Have some fire! This is why humans -- not rabbits -- run the world.
3. Why does this rabbit child have a telephone?
Can rabbits even use rotary phones? Who the heck is he calling? Maybe the phone is for calling 9-1-1 after he sets himself on fire with his very own fireplace.
4. Anyone going to do something about that young mouse?
You keep saying 'goodnight' to it over and over again. You've got to be a little freaked out. Is that why you're still awake, Bunny? Maybe the cats could take care of the mouse for you so you don't have to sleep in a mouse-infested hell hole. No? Bueller?
5. Let's talk about this bowl full of mush.
Has it always been mush, or did it turn to mush because they left it sitting there so long? Perhaps it was Mini Wheats brought to our small rabbit friend in bed that morning, but because he's an ingrate he left it there to fester all day and it turned to mush. Now the old lady has to take it downstairs and wash out the bowl before she can retire to her wine and Netflix. No good deed goes unpunished.
6. Why is the old lady whispering "hush" so utterly terrifying?
There's no way I could sleep with her sitting there, rocking back and forth, and whispering to me in the dark. That's not at all soothing. In fact, I think it's what happens in horror films right before Satan's minions eat your soul.
7. Goodnight nobody? Really?
Quit wasting our time and go to bed, you little weirdo.
8. How is this rabbit's mom not exhausted by this bedtime ritual?
The book starts at 7:00 per the clock on the first page. By the time Bunny is finished saying goodnight to every object and air particle in the universe, the clock says 8:10. Do they do this every night? If so, why hasn't that creepy old lady accidentally fed Bunny to an owl yet?