10 Reasons You Probably Hated Pregnancy Sex (And That’s Okay)

no sex pregnant memeIn the interest of honesty, I’m going to admit something: I hated being pregnant and I hated pregnancy sex. Before becoming a human incubator for the first time, I relished hearing stories from women who absolutely loved pregnancy and especially pregnant sex. In fact, I heard so many stories about how awesome it would be, that it completely tainted my outlook on the matter. And when pregnancy sex turned out to be a bitter disappointment, I blamed myself. If all these other moms were having so much fun in the sack while preggo, why couldn’t I?

Turns out, doing the old humppity hump just isn’t as fun when you have a seven pound human bowling ball sticking out of your midsection. Not to mention the swollen ankles, the nausea, the heartburn and, as my sister put it, the fact that you can smell everyone who’s not wearing deodorant from a mile away. Obviously everyone’s experience is different, and if you’re one of those ladies who absolutely LOVED to batter dip the corn dog (or taco!) while enceinte, then more power to you. But cramming this idea that pregnancy sex is always great, and if it’s not then there’s a problem or you’re a bad wife and mother is fucked up. For some of us pregnancy sex is its own level of hell.  And here’s why.

10. You had swollen…everything

pregnant belly moving
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Obviously swollen ankles are terrible, but what they didn’t tell you is how much everything else swells. I had swollen boobs, swollen knees, swollen…everything. And let me tell you, swollen ankles are a bitch to throw over your shoulders.

9. Two words: Prickly Vulva

pregnant lady says suck it
Giphy.com

Thank goodness I never had to experience this, but a quick Google search tells me that it’s a pretty common phenomenon, and it sounds just awful. No one wants to bump fuzzies when their vag is prickly.

8. You worried about the baby

pregnant with cat
“What if  my baby is a cat?” (Photo: Giphy.com)

Even though we all know it’s silly, I still think it’s pretty common for some moms to worry about their partner, um, poking the baby. Especially if your partner is a dude like mine is. No one wants to think about their man’s ding-a-ling knocking on the old baby cage while it’s occupied.

7. You didn’t feel sexy…like, at all. 

amy poeher cool pregnant chick
giphy.com

Again, your mileage may vary, but I didn’t feel sexy at all during pretty much every stage of my pregnancies. I went from puking all day to heartburn city with very little time spent in Earth-mother junction. None of this is conducive to buttering the muffin, and if you didn’t feel sexy, that’s perfectly okay, no matter what the pregnancy police say.

6. You were worried about going into labor

boom baby gif
Wifflegif.com

This is especially true for moms who have more risky pregnancies, but I think every momma-to-be who’s done the dirty during the later stages of pregnancy has had this fear. Unless you’re just trying to get that shiz over with, of course…but even then, the pressure of trying to both “perform” and potentially pop a kid out isn’t exactly sexy, now is it?

5. Two more words: Boob Leakage

huge boobs during pregnancy
“…and leaking everywhere!” (Giphy.com)

Actually, this could be a turn-off or a turn-on, depending on what you’re into (and there ain’t nothing wrong with that).But for folks who get grossed out by this, it’s probably not fun.

4. Your fave sex position was impossible

robert downey jr sexy preggo
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If the only way you can reach horizontal nirvana is through missionary sex, you might just be screwed during the last two trimesters (pun most definitely intended). You can try thinking outside the box (PUN!), but for some women, it’s difficult enough to get off one way, let alone finding another when you’re all hormonal and sensitive.

3. Everyone was always touching you

magician pregnant assistant
Relax, it was just a balloon! (Tumblr)

As most pregnant women know, once your little womb-mate starts to show, all bets are off when it comes to who will get grabby and all up in your personal bubble. I was accosted by a granny in a Kroger checkout line once. This is not a great precursor to some four legged frolicking later on.

2. Then there’s the other leakage…

beyonce saying oops
Giphy.com

Yes, I’m talking about the leakage that we only speak of in hushed tones…PEE leakage. I’ve heard this is especially troublesome for women who have kids back to back, and while I didn’t experience this personally, even the potential for it to happen put me off of fornication indefinitely when I was preggo.

1. You were freaking tired and cranky

cranky amy poehler
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Pregnancy tired is a whole new level of tired. I remember being so tired during my first pregnancy that I fell asleep standing up. Seriously. Sometimes your spirit might be into it, but your brain is like NOPE.

(Photo: Memegenerator.net)

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