If there is one thing I know about being pregnant, is that all pregnant women take any opportunity to draw shit on their bellies. This is how pregnant women say to the world I am pregnant, pay attention to my belly and I'm pregnant, but I also have a real wacky sense of humor. After I remove this shit from my belly let's sit around and watch some Robin Williams stand-up comedy VHS tapes and forward some lawyer joke chain mail letters to our in-laws. Pregnant women are hilarious! There is nothing as funny as extended weeks involving acid reflux and having your ankles so swollen that you end up wearing flip flops to the DMV, a place that totally requires close-toed shoes if ever there was one. A woman with the precious gift of life growing inside of her is always up for some hilarious hi-jinks, including drawing shit on her belly, especially when she is all alone in a wheat field.
You Are My Sunshine
iStock / gdinMika
This bitch. This bitch is the one who was always trying to convince her other knocked up friends to take prenatal yoga with her or to attend Burning Man or to weave hemp baby diapers or some shit. She is the same women who after she spews life from her vag will make everyone around her who also has a baby feel really shitty if they can't breastfeed.
(Image: Osokina Liudmila/shutterstock)
LOL it's a face. A face made out of face cream or a travel sized serving of mayonnaise or coagulated whale jizz or something in a jar. Hilarious.
Just Go Buy Some Damn Paper
(Image: Oksana Kuzmina/shutterstock)
But mommy, why can't I use paper like the rest of the kids? Are you going to wuv my widdle brudder or sister more dem me and let dem have paper instead of painting on your tummy?
Behold my belly! Behold my sports bra! Behold my angry expression! Behold!
Toothpaste Works In A Pinch
In case you run out of whale jizz.
11:05 Is When We Will Bring Life Into The World
(Image: Sergey Peterman/shutterstock)
And 11:30 is when we will dine on placenta and put the placenta bowl on your head to give you another haircut.
Stop Me If You've Heard This One
It's me your fetus and when I'm born I'm going to fuck you up so bad. Looololololololol fetus.
Mama's Li'l Music Fan
(Image: Marius Pirvu/shutterstock)
I was trying to decide if she was exposing her unborn to Japanese death metal or the theme from Dora The Explorer or some other shitty music to make it's face all flick-ted like this but then I realized due to her getting jiggly with it facial expression she was obviously making her fetus rock out to The Spin Doctors "greatest hits. "
(image: Marius Pirvu/shutterstock)
If you are concerned about how your little tow-headed youngster will react when the baby arrives, draw some stupid face on your belly and make your kid talk to it so it will make the baby seem more real . This can obviously backfire if your creepy little kid just keeps shoving his fingers into your various orifices.
The Fetus In The Dell
(Image: Vladimir Melnikov/shutterstock)
As much as I enjoy this whacky little face drawn on this chick's belly, the obvious more pressing question is where can we all get these overalls and wear them at all times even when not pregnant with crop tops because this may be the best outfit I have ever seen on any human ever. EVER.
Mind The Nipples
(Image: Svitlana S/shutterstock)
Do you know what feels awesome when you are pregnant and your body is going through all sorts of hormonal changes and your breasts start to increase in size and become all sensitive and sore at times? Ripping electrical tape off your nipples!
But who cares because it matches your radical tummy art and your bitchin' silvery-blue eyeshadow!
Your Pregnant Belly Is America Online Circa 1987
(Image: maradonna 8888/shutterstock)
This is one of the most popular pregnancy belly drawing tropes out there, the fact people sure do love comparing the gestational period to a really slow moving computer. This shit is everywhere.
Hey honey, this is just like when I try to illegally download porn on our hard drive.
(Image: Piotr Adamowicz/shutterstock)
(Image: Yuriy Rudyy/shutterstock)
This chick is all bummed because she has never even seen a computer, but she once saw a drawing of one so she assumed people get a lot of "wait" error messages.
Out For A Hike And Thumbs Up Pregnant Lady
You are just trying to mind your biz and go out for a leisurely hike up Hay Mountain when lo and behold there is some pregnant bitch showing off her belly with drawings on it. Just give her a thumb's up and be on your way.
This woman is pregnant and a fan of big cats. OK? She also may be planning on naming her unborn something cat related. I have no idea when someone would ever have the need to use this stock photo for everything, ever. I guess if you are doing an expose on furries who are pregnant.
(Image: Nata Sdobnikova /shutterstock)