Pregnancy

10 People Horrified By Their Vaginas During Pregnancy

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swollen vagina during pregnancyDo you know what cheeseburger crotch is? If not, then you’re lucky but not for long because I am about to ruin it for you in an attempt to get some company in my nightmares.

Cheeseburger crotch was apparently coined by someone that has no regard for those of us that love cheeseburgers, and it refers to the appearance of a swollen vagina during pregnancy, where the justification for the term seems to be that you looked like you shoved a cheeseburger down your pants.

Suffice to say, that is NOT the image that I conjure up when I say “cheeseburger” and follow it immediately and blasphemously with the word “crotch”.

I learned a lot about my body while I was pregnant, mostly by reading books and watching shows you should never watch while you’re knocked up, like Special Delivery. So I knew there was a chance that my ladybits might swell. Apparently not everyone is armed with this knowledge and it ends up terrifying them.

1. Spread-eagle 

spread_eagle

I’m constantly baffled by the number of people who Google first, call the doctor later. I mean, I Google all of my Ebola symptoms, of course, but I stop short of taking medical advice and asking for medical advice online. On the other hand, I can think of lots of ways to avoid sex when you’re pregnant. Like uttering the words, “Touch me and die, mothertrucker.”

2. The bumps

the_bumps

While a vascular vagina is undoubtedly very confusing if you’re not expecting it, I think what confuses me the most about this is the sheer number of people that actually found this helpful.

3. But do they get looser?

bigger_looser_flappier

The best advice that I think anyone can offer this poor, confused preglet is to GTFO of the horrible relationship in which she finds herself.

4. Vaginal lip that is.

vaginal_lip

Yahoo never lets me down when it comes to people getting verklempt about the state of their health. I do appreciate the clarification in which lips this woman was talking about though.

5. What causes a very swollen vagina?

swollen_vagina

Pregnancy.

6. With four question marks, so you know it’s serious.

really_swollen_vagina

I like the open-endedness of the last question: …any thoughts? If that isn’t an invitation to troll than I just don’t know what is.

7. You are a hole.

why,_vagina_

Okay, so this lady isn’t actually horrified, but I think we can all appreciate the succinctness of her plea to her vagina.

8. Hey, do any of you internet strangers have a medical degree?

puffy_vagina

These just seem like oddly specific medical questions that you would really want to ask a doctor. I mean I am really lazy, but even I have my limits.

9. Chubby labias. 

finacee_vagina

I would so much rather ask total strangers about my girlfriend’s fat, gross vagina than just ask her. LOL.

10. This one has it all.

blowing_smoke

I don’t have much more to add. Ladies? Advice?

(Image: Monster Puppets)

42 Comments

  1. AP

    July 10, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    I first heard of “cheeseburger crotch” somewhere on the internet. It sounded like a situation where things got chunky like burger meat, and cheesy, with green lettuce like things.

    I am so glad that it just means “swollen and engorged.” That, I can eventually handle.

  2. Boozy Shark Lee

    July 10, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    All I can think of is this.

    • sandrabjock

      July 11, 2014 at 6:56 am

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  3. Momma425

    July 10, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    #1- if she is trying to avoid sex, just mention the definition of cheeseburger crotch and most men I know will run screaming.

  4. Valerie

    July 10, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    I’m telling you. Bag of hot marbles.

  5. WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

    July 10, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    I have never ever heard of this oh my god. It sounds awful and painful and scary! As if hemorrhoids aren’t bad enough?!

  6. Rachel Sea

    July 10, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Oh god, I had forgotten about that. The only thing which relieved it for me was applying pressure, which I could only do, without drawing attention to myself, by wearing a super thick pad and then sitting on a firm chair (thank you school furniture) with my pelvis tilted down so the chair pressed the pad into my vulva.

  7. WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

    July 10, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    …And the poor guy who’s wife has chubby labias sounds just so sad and confused! I wanna give him a hug for being so genuinely concerned.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      I know, it’s kind of cute even though I would be mortified if my husband had posted this about me.
      The guy from #3 though? He needs a swift kick to the nuts.

    • Theresa Edwards

      July 10, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      RIGHT???

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      I just feel bad for her. She bred with an asshat.

    • Gangle

      July 10, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      That guy is a prick. He should appreciate his girlfriends puffy twat pocket.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 6:47 pm

      Seriously. His first reaction is to assume she is boning someone else? Yea, couldn’t be that the pregnancy is changing things! Ugh, she’ll be better off when he takes off (which I have no doubt he’ll do, the question is if he’ll do it before or after she gives birth).

    • Gangle

      July 10, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      Honestly, to me it sounds like his ‘excuse’ to take off. Rather than just admitting that he is an arsehole lacking in loyalty and gumption and doesn’t feel like hanging around for the baby, it is much easier to accuse her of fucking around. That way she is the bitch and probably the baby isn’t his.. you know, until the paternity test.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      Sadly, I think you’re probably right. What a dickbag.

    • WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

      July 10, 2014 at 7:47 pm

      I kinda want to hug her, too –and then smash my boot in his face, while I hug her.

    • biggerthanthesound

      July 11, 2014 at 9:09 am

      He sounds crazy. Like, he is 18 months away from setting up video cameras and inspecting her underwear. My ex-husband had delusional jealousy and he did that shit. It is a fucking nightmare.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 11, 2014 at 9:23 am

      Yes, behavior like that doesn’t come out of nowhere, and it rarely seems to get better with time. It is scary.
      I’m glad that the person who did that to you is an ex.

    • biggerthanthesound

      July 11, 2014 at 9:58 am

      I stuck with it for way too long because I was holding out hope that he would magically appreciate me if I was totally perfect. Weird thing, though and the reason i read this… he loved pregnant vagina and during my pregnancies and babyhood (yes, i made three babies with that loser) he wasn’t as intense about the jealousy. I mean, he was still fucking crazy in other ways, but that got a little better.

  8. sudden_valley

    July 10, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Props to the people who actually used the term “labias”. Sorry for the TMI, but I am experiencing this now and had no idea it was common during pregnancy until reading this article (The More You Know–thanks mommyish!). Unfortunately, I spent most of this article confused trying to figure out if the posters were experiencing the same thing or if their vagina was actually swollen. Ladies, your vagina is only one part of your genitalia!

  9. Spongeworthy

    July 10, 2014 at 6:20 pm

  10. Harriet Meadow

    July 10, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    One of the first symptoms I had with this pregnancy (besides tingly boobs) was, when I was working out, my vulva would suddenly feel all swollen and huge in my pants. Ugh. Luckily that doesn’t seem to be a PERMANENT state of affairs until the third trimester.

    • biggerthanthesound

      July 11, 2014 at 9:11 am

      Okay, so “my vulva would suddenly feel all swollen and huge in my pants”, is officially the best thing I will read today. I can feel it.

  11. Ursi

    July 10, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  12. Zettai

    July 10, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    I am just glad I can’t see my vagina over my belly, because I don’t even wanna know what it looks like. If it doesn’t hurt I’m just going to let it ride.

    And yes, “Cheeseburger crotch” is exactly why I read this article.

  13. Jallun-Keatres

    July 10, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    WTF is this? This never happened to me. =/ Actually nothing swelled because I’m a desert lizard who won’t drink 5L of water a day. I had no idea this was even a thing,

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 11, 2014 at 7:24 am

      Unfortunately it is TOTALLY a thing. I am thankful for Dr. Google being there to answer questions because there is no way I’d bring this up to my human doctor.

    • BethAZ1987

      July 11, 2014 at 8:22 am

      Yeah, people warned me that the increased blood flow would mean swelling down there, but usually in the context of “it makes it more sensitive and better for sex”. No one explained the elephantitis like grossness that has taken over down there.

      My husband keeps nagging me to ask my doctor about it, and I tell him that Dr. Google assures me this is a normal and common thing. I’m embarrassed for the day when my OB looks down there and sees exactly what’s been going on.

    • JenH1986

      July 11, 2014 at 9:29 am

      My friend was an MA in an OBGYN office (that was a lot of letters). The things she told me happened in that office lead me to believe your doctor may not even notice you’re swollen.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      July 11, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      The only thing that happened “down there” was that my bush grew a lot longer. XD

      I guess that’s what the blood flow did to me.

  14. Jayamama

    July 10, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Why do people not know the difference between a vagina and a vulva? So aggravating.

    • The Actual Devil

      July 11, 2014 at 1:20 am

      YES WHY DO THEY DO THAT!!!!!

      *takes deep breaths*

    • clarissa

      July 11, 2014 at 2:40 am

      yeah id be way more concerned if someones vagina was swollen rather than their vulva, and especially when asking medical questions,you should say what you mean. That being said, most people call it a vagina just cuz its simpler to have one name for it rather than 4(although i just call it my crotch cuz thats what my parents called it when we were little no matter the gender) and most people teach their children to call it a vagina as well…as least thats better than hooha or cushie.

    • Jayamama

      July 11, 2014 at 10:19 am

      But vagina is a medical term that means a totally different part of the body. For example, if someone mentioned shaving their vagina, I’d be quite worried, whereas shaving one’s vulva is a common practice. I’m going to teach my girls the proper names for their body parts, including, when the time comes, vulva, labia, mons pubis and vagina. Why perpetuate ignorance?

    • Whatwhatque

      July 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      While it’s becoming common knowledge, it has been the case for a long while that people say vagina when they mean vulva…while I think it’s good to spread the word that vulva is what you call what’s outside, getting worked up about it as though people are dumb is wasted energy. Sex ed is terrible in the U.S. and I don’t think vulva is taught even just learning basic anatomy (maybe they do now, did not when I was in school.) And of course, usually context clues let us know what they actually mean (as no one is actually shaving their vagina, etc.)

  15. jane

    July 11, 2014 at 8:04 am

    If anything deserves the #drhobbylobby tag, its this. Seriously. If the old dudes on the Supreme Court really knew that pregnancy did this, they would pass out birth control like pez.

  16. amp

    July 11, 2014 at 10:59 am

    @ 9 weeks pregnant this article is scaring the living beejezus out of me

    • tSubh Dearg

      July 12, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      Ditto! Even down to the same amount of weeks along! So far my biggest problem is nausea with hunger, which is just fucking confusing.

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