Every Halloween we look at the ridiculous costumes out there for women and share our heads. Sexy Tree. Sexy Sponge Bob. Sexy Hamburger. As a plus-sized woman with a modicum of self-respect and a dash of intelligence, those costumes aren't happening anywhere near my body. When you're a fat chick, costume makers make sure you have access to Sexy Sailor in a plus-size (go on with your bad self), but they also provide options that are way, way more awesome than any horrible Sexy Crayon costume could ever be.
Sure, you can get your sexy on with costumes that are "also available in plus-sizes," but I prefer the ones from the plus-sized section that should be labelled, "Not available below a 1X. Because come on."
1. Candy Corn
(via Party City)
In it's description of this costume, the Party City site says, "Complete your look with a long-sleeve shirt and leggings!" Yes. And possibly a large jacket and sweatpants. We get it, Party City.
You'll look like Angelina Jolie, but you'll be shaped like a garbage bag.
3. Pirate (with Spanx)
This costume is labelled on the Party City site as a "Shaper Costume." That means that it has a "...built-in bodysuit [that] cinches and boosts in all the right places." Mm-hm. Sounds fantastic. Give me one of those cincher costumes that will push my enormous boobs up to my chin and pinch me when I am trying to enjoy a Kit Kat.
4. Fiona from Shrek
Remember the fat ogre with a heart of gold? Yeah. That's you.
Flattering and sexless? Sign me up! (She does have a saucy shoe, though.)
6. Clearance Monster
I found this monster costume in the plus-size clearance section at Party City. I know. It makes no sense. The only reason I can come up with is that the fuzzy purple boots are not included. Go try to find fuzzy purple boots with a 16-inch or greater circumference online. Exactly.
7. Raggedy Ann
Looking for something that says "sad" and "homely"? We've got you covered.
Complete with flattering empire-waist design for those who don't mind being asked when the baby is due.
Plus-sized men can get in on the action, too! Check out this jumpsuit with the word "coroner" stitched on the chest! When you show up at the neighborhood party, the host will be like, "Wait, are we moving?" Then they'll see the word "coroner" and they'll say, "Oh. I get it."
9. Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head
Because Bill and Susan said, "Eh, fuck it. Let's be comfortable."
10. Queen OF Hearts Playing Card
Because you said, "Eh, fuck it. Give me the one shaped like a square. At least I'll be comfortable."