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10 Crafts You Should Never Make Out Of Pinecones This Holiday Season

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pineconeI’m really starting to hate pinecone crafts. Now that fall is almost over and winter is fast approaching, we are in the grips of a nationwide pinecone epidemic. Don’t believe me? Put a pinecone on it has replaced put a bird on it and they are everywhere. Look at any second grader with a jar of peanut butter, a bag of bird seed, and one of these tree…droppings.. and you will see what I mean. OK, confession, I actually have NO idea what a pinecone actually is. It’s like the cone from a pine tree. I am not sure what are good for other than making my yard look dirty. And crafts! Pinecone crafts! Lots and lots of pinecone crafts! Judging from all of these pinecone crafts I have found all over the Internetz. But it’s not just crafts, and we can’t blame only toddlers for this pineconeapocolypse.

Bird Feeders



This is a bird feeder? It has raisins on it. Nobody likes raisins, not even dumb birds. If you are this desperate to make  pinecone crafts you should at least add enough birdseed and raisins so no one can recognize it’s a stupid pinecone.

Pinecone Owl 

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

This is supposed to be an owl made out of a pinecone. I bet this bird doesn’t even like raisins.

Pinecone Turkeys 


(Image: Pinterest)

For the love of everything holy, a pinecone is not a bird or a turkey or an owl. And I don’t care if this kid is thankful for his bike and his DS and food. Who does he think supplies him with all these things and the pinecone to make a stupid craft out of?

 I Don’t Even Know What These Are 

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

And even though I am a BIG fan of the goggly eyes, adding them to pinecones isn’t helping. These things look like they came out of a stop-motion Guillermo del Toro movie.

 This Pinecone Thing

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

I don’t know what this guy is either, but giving him a jaunty little acorn beret isn’t helping.

Pinecones In The Oven 

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

Nooo, no matter how long you bake these for they will never be delicious! I am just kidding, but people keep giving tutorials on how to put a mess of glitter on your pinecones and bake them in an oven and I have NO idea why because it doesn’t transform them into anything other an a pinecone with glitter on it. Hey, thanks for that! You taught us how to make pinecones even messier but putting glitter on them. Congratulations! You just made pinecones worse!

Pinecone Fairies 

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

This is a little bit too happily reminiscent of what my dog left in the yard after eating all the cat’s mushy food.

 Ummmm Another Pinecone Thing


(Image: Pinterest)

I think I remember seeing these pinecone crafts in The Blair Witch Project.

Pinecone Tattoos 





I wanna understand the reasoning behind this. Who says “More than anything, a pinecone symbolizes who I am as an individual so I’m going to go through a painful, lengthy process to have one permanently inked on my body.” WHO says this? WHO?

Pinecone Tiara 


(Image: Pinterest)

I actually sort of want this one to wear to all of my holiday festivities, and I love the model’s expression. She is all “Fuck you, I have a crown on my head. Made of pinecones.” She is a million percent committed to this pinecone nonsense.

(Image: getty Images)


  1. Annona

    November 22, 2013 at 10:09 am

    But I love those pinecone bird feeders! And so do the birds! (You’re right, though, the one in the photo is substandard and needs more birdseed and peanut butter.)

    The rest of the pinecone crafts, I really don’t get. Except those pinecones that get soaked in cinnamon oil that make your whole house smell like Christmas. But I buy those, because I’m too lazy to make them.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 22, 2013 at 10:11 am

      Oh I totally buy those too

    • AP

      November 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

      I made pinecone bird feeders in preschool…and if I remember correctly, the peanut butter attracts squirrels, who promptly rip it down from the tree and carry it away to pig out.

  2. Stephanie Diamond

    November 22, 2013 at 10:18 am

    I love nature and all, but pinecones are such a pain. My daughter’s been collecting them all fall, anxiously awaiting the day I let her glue them onto something. Or glue stuff onto them. I just checked the patio and the wind we had a few days ago unfortunately did not blow them all away.

    Peanut butter on a pinecone has been around for a long time. I was doing that in elementary school thirty years ago.

    • Stephanie Diamond

      November 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

      Oh, and the really big ones are awesome to throw in a fireplace. They’re really pretty when they burst into flames.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 22, 2013 at 10:19 am

      LOL< yeah, I have decided I hate them. I am picking on pinecones. well trust me, Pinterest has 28292929 things to do with them

  3. candyvines

    November 22, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Well, shit, guess I’m going to have to rethink my plan to give all my friends homemade, woodsy dildos.

  4. momjones

    November 22, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I might have to have a Craftpalooza with my granddaughters to make those Pine Cone Fairies to go with their Fairy House.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 22, 2013 at 10:24 am

      Now that is a cute fairy house. It deserves way more than pinecones

    • CMJ

      November 22, 2013 at 2:16 pm

      The pine cone fairies are way too phallic for my tastes.

  5. TngldBlue

    November 22, 2013 at 10:21 am

    The pinecone bird feeders always baffled me. Isn’t the whole thing stripped pretty quickly? Then you just end up with some really hungry and pissed birds waiting for you to come out of your house so they can peck out your eyeballs. I’m already battling a gang well armed squirrels, I don’t need any birds joining their ranks.

  6. Jessica

    November 22, 2013 at 10:30 am

    If you squint real hard, that pinecone owl becomes some sort of fertility statue…

  7. FaintlyXMacabre

    November 22, 2013 at 10:48 am

    At times like these, I miss Regretsy. That tiara… and the lady wearing it does not give a single fuck.

    • Eve Vawter

      November 22, 2013 at 11:30 am

      why did Regretsy go away?

    • kay

      November 22, 2013 at 2:43 pm

      because we needed to have the joy in our lives killed a little i think.

    • FaintlyXMacabre

      November 22, 2013 at 9:54 pm

      April Winchell got really busy, I think. Which is a shame because a quick, instantly regretted etsy search for homemade woodsy dildos turned up months of fodder. Sidenote: Searching for homemade woodsy dildos–do not recommend.

  8. Kate

    November 22, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I think there’s something wrong with me– I actually think the pinecone turkeys are really cute.

  9. Elisa Probert

    November 22, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    The only thing pinecones are good for,,,throw one in the rabbit cage and watch him chew it up. It’s like a toothbrush for bunnies.

  10. AP

    November 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    When I was in the nature-crafts age group, my teacher had us go out for a nature walk to gather acorns, pinecones, leaves, etc. for art projects. Which was fun, until little weevils started crawling out of the acorns.


  11. CG

    November 22, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    “I’m going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator and have a really merry Christmas!”–Bobby Markowitz (Stepford Wives 2004)

    All I could think about while reading this article is the Stepford Wives and their discussion of all things pinecone related.

  12. Jallun-Keatres

    November 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    All I can think of is “I first fell in love with you when you sat on that silly pinecone!” from Sound of Music.

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  14. Natasha

    November 22, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    My 9 yo ‘MOM!!!!! Look at all these pinecones I picked out of the neighbors yard! I’m going to make ART!!!!’
    Not in my house, you’re not. Return those pinecones-the neighbor is laughing cuz you jut cleaned her yard. We only do art with pre packaged shit from JoAnns in this house!

  15. Allyson_et_al

    November 23, 2013 at 8:10 am

    I took one look at that pinecone and twig mobile thing, and thought, “Holy crap it’s the Blair Witch!” before I scrolled down to your caption. I would be terrified if those things showed up in my house.

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