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Is It Over Yet? Why I’m Counting The Days Until My Kids Are Back In School

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Parents Who Hate Kids Summer Vacation Some people claim summer is their favorite season. Yay, yeah, whatever, shut up. I hate summer. Yeah, yeah I know, this is all very first world problem and I should learn how to enjoy the months when my children are home and demanding food every 15 minutes because all too soon they will be grown and I will look back on these days fondly and wish for one last summer with them but for now I hate it. Haaaaate it. And they have only been off school for one week. Why do I hate it? Let me count the ways.

Every single container in my house has an insect in it.

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Or a frog. Or a lizard.  All of my lids have holes poked in them. And I have to answer questions that I have no interest in finding the answers to like “MOM, what do fireflies eat?” I remember being able to put leftovers into plastic containers but now there is no way my lasagna is going to live somewhere that once was the home to grass clippings and spiders.  (photo: Coprid/shutterstock)

S’mores.

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What asshole invented these? If you don’t make them over fire (and yeah, what asshole decided giving kids sharp sticks and setting something on fire was a good way to teach them how to create a yummy snack?) and you make them in the microwave and you turn your back for a second too long you end up with marshmallow exploded all over your microwave. Which is impossible to clean. And they don’t even taste that good. And my daughter always ends up with marshmallow in her hair. But S’mores mean summer and it just ain’t summer unless you are combing melted marshmallow out of you kid’s hair. (Photo:  Mat Hayward /shutterstock)

I’m going broke buying sunscreen. And antibacterial spray. And insect repellant. 

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Is there a “frequent buyer’s” program for this type of stuff? Even buying store brands when they are on special is making me broke. And the kids go through all these things like water, which makes no sense considering they are repelling the same bugs they are collecting. (Photo: Roman Sigaev/Shutterstock)

As soon as their rooms are clean, you’re screwed.  

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Do not be like me. Do not make your kids clean their rooms at the start of the summer. Do not help them arrange bags of outgrown clothes and toys they no longer play with for donation. This is the worst idea ever, because when they complain they are bored you will no longer have the “Go clean your room” tactic that will give you five minutes of peace in order to sneakily set the grasshopper living in your pasta sauce container free. Always leave a bit of a mess, or on rainy days you are going to be forced to do something like play a board game with them. (Photo: udra11/shutterstock)

 The same music. Over and over again. 

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I love my kids listening to music. I have no issue with them blaring their music all day and well into the evening. But the issue I have is that my teen son, a huge fan of rap music, can’t listen to certain things when his younger siblings are around, so he keeps playing the same playlist on repeat. And this playlist is totally rated PG and all, but every other song happens to for some damn reason be a Kanye West song. About Christmas. And if I hear it ONE MORE TIME I may remove my eardrums, with a spoon. The theme to my summer of 2013 are the lyrics:

Well, I like the way you think, mami Now pour some more eggnog in your drink, mami You’ve been a bad girl, give Santa three kisses Gave her the hot chocolate, she said, “It’s D-ricious”

(Photo: Blogspot)

 Children’s television.

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Even with limiting screen time and locking my kids outside so they can catch insects to live in my Tupperware I’m still subjected to way too many kid’s television shows. I can get down with Adventure Time or The Regular Show or a few other ones that don’t make me grit my teeth, but there are some that are driving me insane. There is one about a dog. With a blog. Not only is it truly annoying, but if dogs actually start blogging I’m going to be out of a damn job. (Photo: the Disney Channel)

My kids never stop eating. Ever.

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Kids eat so much when they are home! I know swimming and biking and catching insects makes them famished, but it’s getting to the point where I totally understand parents who give their kids a ton of junk food. I am going to start throwing bags of Doritos and popsicles out my back door in order to get them to stop demanding actual food all the time. You make them a nice breakfast with protein that you think will hold them off until lunch, and an hour later they want a snack. And if you are like me and trying to pretend you aren’t a total monster you end up cutting up fruit or vegetables and then discover they really wanted more snacks for their pets they have living in your food containers. (Photo:  ilolab/shutterstock)

The damn circus is coming to town. Or a state fair. Or a carnival. 

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And if your kids are anything like mine they will want to go to there. Now, I hate circuses because I think training animals to do tricks is inhumane, and clowns scare me to death. DO NOT WANT. I can get behind carnivals and amusement parks because fried food on a stick, but the idea of taking my kids to a dirty place in the heat with long lines and scary people who need dental work trying to make us win a mirror with a Def Leppard logo on it sounds about as appealing as getting a root canal. (Photo:  Racheal Grazias/shutterstock)

I know that I will have fun this summer and create all sorts of magical memories with these small people I gave birth to, but I can’t help admitting that I may be looking forward to the time when we get to shop for new pencils and backpacks. I love my kids, I love spending time with them, I love seeing them happy and freckled from the sun exposure and helping them choose names for their twenty new bug “pets.” I’m just already ready for it to be over.  Only 55 days left!

(Photo: bikeriderlondon/shutterstock)

23 Comments

  1. CMJ

    June 17, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Myself and the dude were once mesmerized by Dog with a Blog for about 20 minutes. We didn’t even know what was happening…we just couldn’t look away.

    You can ship some of the kids to my parent’s house…my dad put a jumping spider in a jar last week….MY DAD. I guess the retired science teacher can’t help himself.

    • Eve Vawter

      June 17, 2013 at 12:13 pm

      Try watching dog with blog with a Kanye Xmas song playing in the background,

      JUMPING SPIDERS! Yesterday we had two baby deer in my yard and my kids yelled at them to tell them how cute they are. That’s peaceful.

    • CMJ

      June 17, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      My mom swears at the deer….loudly. She doesn’t like them eating her hostas.

    • Eve Vawter

      June 17, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      I need to send your mom pics of my bebe deer. They do eat my roses but they are so so cute. It’s like a disney movie up in herrrre.

    • momjones

      June 17, 2013 at 12:51 pm

      I would refrain from swearing at the deer if the kids were around. There is a doe who has set up housekeeping between our house and next door. It must mean the fawn is nearby. dadjones would love to conduct his non-stop science lessons, and I’m with you on the “throw Doritos out the door” for them to eat…last week a couple I/we know filled our pantry with snacks to munch on!!

    • Eve Vawter

      June 17, 2013 at 12:53 pm

      I think you need to take a vacation here this summer. brb, making you up a bed

    • LiteBrite

      June 17, 2013 at 6:01 pm

      I don’t like the deer eating my hostas either. Thankfully they don’t hang out in my yard too much.

      I do have an asshole chipmunk acting like he owns the place though.

  2. LiteBrite

    June 17, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    School finally ended for our district last week, but it doesn’t matter one way to me as the kid is still in daycare during the summer. He does get to go on two field trips a week though with the daycare summer program. Some of these places look pretty cool, which means my kid is going to have a way more interesting summer than I am.

  3. Amanda Low

    June 17, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    This is the best ever. I wanted to pull down my favorites quotes, but then I realized the whole thing is my favorite quote.

  4. C.J.

    June 17, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    My kids have 8 more days of school. Right now the joy of not having to make school lunches is overshadowing the countdown to send them back. I really hate school lunches, trying to new find things to put in their lunches all the time makes my head hurt. If I give them the same thing too many times it starts to come home with them. Sometime in August (kids go back the day after Labour Day) the countdown to go back starts to overshadow the intense hate for school lunches. Can`t win!

    • Eve Vawter

      June 17, 2013 at 1:36 pm

      OH DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I hate school lunches so much. Before school let out my teen informed me that moms in Japan stay up until 2 am making their kids themed bento boxes and that if they can do it, why can’t I?

    • C.J.

      June 17, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      I`m glad I don`t live in Japan!

    • m

      June 18, 2013 at 5:06 am

      Those bento boxes are really cute, and I actually bought a nice box here in Japan, planning to make lunches to my husband when I get back. Still, I will not get out of bed early to make him onigiris with cute faces. Yesterday’s leftovers with some added stuff have to do.

      Luckily in my home country the kids get free lunch at school, so I don’t need to worry about that one if I ever have kids.

  5. Alex Lee

    June 17, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Teach the kids to eat the insects.

    Two birds, one stone, Eve.

    I would bring you the cotton candy so you wouldn’t have to brave the carny-folk.

  6. Rachelle

    June 17, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Eve. S’Mores in the microwave? You’re asking for a mess. Take it from this ghetto chick: CANDLES. You put the marshmallow over a CANDLE. It’s called City Smores for the Living Room Camper. Bong.

    • Justme

      June 22, 2013 at 8:18 pm

      Or if you use the mini-marshmallows in the microwave they aren’t as messy.

  7. Emmali Lucia

    June 17, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    It’s probably been said but, why don’t you send them off to camp?

    They’re probably just as bored at home all summer as you are annoyed with them.

    Also, pita chips, maybe a cut up cucumber, and hummus. Perfect summer snack

  8. Erin Murphy

    June 17, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    My mom’s favorite phase of all time was “look it up” until she bought the encyclopedia then it was “I paid a lot of money for those encyclopedias, look it up. This magical phrase stops most interrogation sessions.
    Also, s’mores cook nicely in oven.

  9. sasareta

    June 18, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Well, I don’t have kids and don’t want any, so I don’t have to deal with this, thankfully 😉

  10. noelle 02

    June 18, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    See, I homeschool and I can’t wait for the schoolyear to start up again! My kids have to do a math sheet every day during the summer and read for at least an hour because that gives them structure. I am SOOO excited come August when regular school hours begin. Summer is just so chaotic and I can’t help but keep the kids occupied with camps so they don’t spend all their time at home!

  11. LET

    June 18, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    I feel better knowing your kids want to eat every second…I feel like I spend my whole day in the kitchen prepping healthy food & cleaning up after his snacks. As soon as I finish cleaning up the one snack & try to be productive, I hear “Mom, Mommy, Mom can I have something to eeeeeat?”. I know he’s growing, but COME ON.

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