I hate back to school night, the open house at school where you're supposed to "meet the teacher" and drop off a buttload of school supplies. I'm down with both of those, but the dreaded back to school night combines two of my least favorite things in the world; other people and their children.
I expect people to not suck, particularly in public, and despite having lived on the planet for many years already, I continue to be shocked and horrified when someone turns out to be awfulsauce. In the case of back to school night, what you'll see is a lot of adults acting like children and this might make you sad.
1. PTA HBIC
This person will be the first one in the classroom, folded into a tiny chair and hands folded primly in her lap. She will nod along enthusiastically and when the teacher points out the volunteer sign up sheet, she'll take the floor and talk about all the hours she logged last year as her child's personal shadow.
2. Mr. or Mrs. Chatterbox
These two will NOT shut the hell up. Do you remember when you were in school, and it was almost time for the bell to ring, and the teacher would ask, "any questions?" and some idiot would say, "you forgot to give us homework" ? This parent is what that fun-ruiner grew up to be.
3. The Normals
The Normals show up together and are very much in love. They have precisely 2.5 children with a border collie at home. They are not divorced and never swear and their child is named something very generic and they own sweater vests and cardigans.
4. The Prodigy's Parents
This is the only parent who will interrupt the Chatterboxes. They want to know how the curriculum will be tailored to their Advanced Child and how the teacher will deal with Advanced Child's behavior when he becomes bored with the material. Did I mention that Advanced Child has been reading since he was three? Because his parents will mention that at least four times in one hour.
5. The Parents Who Are Just Looking For A Babysitter
These parents don't really care what goes on, as long as their kid is fed and supervised. They usually duck out after they ask about how early they can legally drop their kid off in front of the building.
6. The Riches
The Riches wanted to put their child in private school, but the waiting list was too long. If you ask one of them if they want to get coffee next Tuesday they'll mention that they have tennis lessons at the club with a cold, sneering voice.
7. The "Cool" Mom
Cool mom sits on the beanbag in the reading corner and texts people all night. You'll probably forget that she's there unless she snaps her gum or asks if you'll take a picture of her holding the class pet so she can Instagram it later.
8. The Absentees
We all want to be the Absentees, but only some of us have the titanium scrote required to do it. They won't show up to anything, you will never meet them, and you will be jealous.
9. The Lost Souls
The Lost Souls are terrified to be at Open House. Are they allowed to open lockers? Is this the right classroom? OH GOD WHERE IS THE GYM? It's okay, Lost Souls. We were all you once.
10. Old Mr. Crotchety
OMC has a huge issue with community classroom supplies and will flat out refuse to buy them if his kid has to share. He will try to make the teacher cry by demanding to know if she'll be teaching evolution in science class and will want to know right away if he has to say "Happy Holidays" come December. Because he won't, by god. It's his right as a 'Murican.
(Image: Hurst Photos/Shutterstock)