Bad Mom Advice: Brats And Bathtime – And Sadly I Cannot Suggest You Drown This Spawn Of Satan

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largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I need some advice! Recently my husband and I invited our co-worker with his wife and son, over to our house for an evening together. We have 2 little girls of our own; a 4 year old and a 1 year old who is still crawling. Well, I would NOT have invited them over had I known their 9 year old would be the spawn of the anti-Christ! He comes in, doesn’t even say hello, starts whispering to his mother (at first I thought he might be shy. he wasn’t.) then makes a be-line to my daughter’s play house, starts wearing IT! whinnying, demanding and grabbing everything. proceeds to start throwing toys up in the air (almost hit the baby) and the worst thing; kept picking up the baby from her play-pen/bouncer, AFTER I told him not to. The parents act like everything he does is magnificent and he can do no wrong. I felt like a chameleon the whole evening with one eye on a conversation with the parents and another on the little punk. After they left, both my husband and I agreed that it CANNOT happen again (I woke up at 1 am in cold sweats over the experience!). Problem is the only thing I can think of to do is go up to this co-worker and say, “I’m sorry but we will not be getting together with you ever again because we HATE your child!”. Do you have any other options? we do work with this guy, so the witness protection program is not an option either.

This is just proof that everyone needs to send my Bad Mom Advice columns to their friends, families and co-workers, post them on Facebook and share them on Twitter. Our Dear Reader could be talking about YOU and YOUR spawn of satan! If people would start sharing my amazing advice more than these things would just never happen! (End of commercial break)

First of all, the kid is nine. Nine is way too old for all of this. It’s cute and acceptable when a toddler acts like a monster, when older kids behave this way it is annoying and unacceptable. I loathe kids who whisper, I don’t care how old they are. It’s creepy, it’s rude and when a kid does that I always assume they are saying something to their parents like:

No kids came over to play with me today, not a single one, and I wanted someone to play with!

And the parent starts to look real panicky and whisper back:

Well, Ā you, uh, you wished them away into the cornfield. Their mommy and daddy were real upset. But tomorrow will be a real good day!


Whispering is just proof the kid is up to evil, and in your case, this is true. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited to his little dinner party you had, because I would have been more than happy to drag the brat into the kitchen and set him to work washing dishes or making origami swans out of your cloth napkins. The kid is a creep. Since you can’t tell the parents their child is a creep, you will have to be all sorts of proactive the next time they come over to your house, because it’s obvious this kid has some bad parents who are totally oblivious to their little darling’s demonic behavior. Put the kid in front of the TV in another room. Set him up with an app or game on your computer. Buy a bunch of paper and some crayons and tell him you want him to teach the four-year-old how to draw robots. Make him organize your utensil drawer. The trick here is keep the monster busy so he has less time to be destructive. It’s YOUR house. If he starts playing rough with your kids or ruining their toys you can totally correct him, in a nice way so as not to offend his wimpy parents. Just say very loudly “Oh, I’m sorry creepy demon spawn, we can’t break the baby’s playhouse because it was a very special gift and very expensive and I know you are a big boy and a good kid and why don’t you be a big helper and alphabetize all of my CD’s over here?” Listen, his parents know he is a creep. They just don’t feel like disciplining him. On the rare occasions I have had a kid act like a fuckface over at my house I have totally said “Hey, we don’t do at my house.You can do whatever you want at your house but over here you need to chill out.” If you say it in a nice way (and yeah, don’t actually use the term “fuckface”) his parents will probably pay a bit more attention to how he is acting. Oh, and tell him he can’t pick up the baby because the baby has been puking all day and you don’t want the baby to get sick on him. And next time invite me over.

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  1. Elizabeth M. Mangum

    May 8, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I was a toy store manager in the past & I learned “The Mommy Voice” from the previous manager. I don’t have kids, but I can say, “Excuse me?” in such a way as to make a child freeze, look at me in a panic & apologize for their behavior.

    It also annoys the ever-living crap out of me when parents are in public & not paying attention to their kids to the point of missing OBVIOUS potty dances. Their bladders are the size of acorns, you put them in undies and take them shopping for six hours. That’s no accident. That’s f-ing child abuse to allow a kid pee their pants.

  2. Tea

    May 8, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I admit, I was dying by the “fuckface” line.

    “The Voice” is a great tool, especially if you can get your husband to use it. The Mommy voice is awesome, but get it going in a good baritone and most kids will nearly crap themselves and apologize. I usually don’t have to get past “Young Man/Lady-“.

    It’s saved many an unattended small child who thinks the rickety tire display wall is a climbing fixture. That, and the six year old brat who was trying to steal/play with my lead and cadmium based paints.

    • wmdkitty

      May 9, 2013 at 3:30 am

      I’m 31, and The Voice still works on me. Even if it’s not directed at me.

    • Tea

      May 9, 2013 at 11:26 am

      I’m still scared of my father-in-law for this exact reason. He has the best Voice.

    • Daisy

      May 10, 2013 at 12:47 am

      My sixth-grade science teacher had The Voice (in fact, his second job is as an announcer for our local semi-pro hockey team), plus he is a strict disciplinarian to begin with. I’m 23 now, and if I see him coming at the mall or the grocery store, I will still inconspicuously turn around and “remember” somewhere else I needed to be šŸ˜›

  3. Amanda Low

    May 8, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Oh my god, I’m the wimpy parent in this story. I mean, well, my daughter is only eighteen months, so I guess I have time, but already I have the completely wrong reaction when she makes trouble (usually stifling a laugh/ignoring her completely/attempting a half-assed, “no” unless it’s something dangerous)…worse yet, everyone I’ve practiced my “mom” face on starts laughing when I do it. I am SO not scary. Am I doomed?!

    • Eve Vawter

      May 8, 2013 at 12:20 pm


    • Eve Vawter

      May 8, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      hee hee

    • Amanda Low

      May 9, 2013 at 9:12 am

      I love that you tell it to me straight, darling! šŸ˜‰

    • M

      May 9, 2013 at 4:57 am

      Wow, you sound like a piece of shit parent. And on top of that, it seems like you want a slap on the back and a “Heehee OMG you’re so crazy!” because you proclaim that you’re a piece of shit parent with a weak attempt at humor. Sorry, not gonna happen. Grow a backbone and take care of your child. In case you didn’t know, disciplining is part of taking care of them.

      You don’t have to get it right the first time, but at least fucking TRY instead of “ignoring her completely”.

    • Amanda Low

      May 9, 2013 at 9:13 am

      Wow, you sound like a troll!

    • Sean Phillips

      May 9, 2013 at 4:55 pm

      Ignoring is such a great response at that age, though! if they’re not getting attention for their bullshit, they won’t keep doing it. at least, in my experience.

      of course, the trick is to pay good attention the second they stop.

    • Janika MoravskoslezskĆ½-Carter

      May 10, 2013 at 12:01 am

      Exactly what I do.

    • Amanda Low

      May 10, 2013 at 10:04 am

      That’s what I was thinking! Of course, if we’re in public, I’ll step in to stop it (don’t want to be thaaaat lady with the screaming toddler).

  4. Emmali Lucia

    May 8, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Even I’m scared to bathe alone! Just yesterday I went to get out of a nice bubblebath and I faceplanted. I was like three inches from hitting my head on the edge of the counter!

    Bathrooms are dangerous places.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 8, 2013 at 1:13 pm


    • Janika MoravskoslezskĆ½-Carter

      May 10, 2013 at 12:00 am

      Don’t forget stairs. I have glass stairs he loves to throw his toys down the stairs and mysteriously I either trip on the toy going up or fall down the stairs going up.

      P.S. I only fell down the stairs once, i caught myself.

    • kaydpea

      May 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm

      you’re a serious fucking cunt.

    • Janika MoravskoslezskĆ½-Carter

      May 14, 2013 at 7:35 pm

      And your stupid arse followed me here from another blog just to get my attention b itch take a seat with the rest of those silly whores waiting in line for me to find some f ucks to give.

      Thanks, come again.

  5. Jme B

    May 8, 2013 at 1:26 pm


  6. CMJ

    May 8, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    My husband’s biggest fear is falling and dying in the shower.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 8, 2013 at 1:41 pm

      Your husband is a dork.

    • CMJ

      May 8, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      An undeniable truth

    • Eve Vawter

      May 8, 2013 at 1:52 pm

      But I do love him.

  7. Fabel

    May 8, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    I think my mom still rinsed my hair out when I was like, 12? soo, you’re good, Eve!

  8. Rachel Sea

    May 8, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Eight seems old to me. All the kids in my family started independent showers and baths at 5 or 6. It definitely meant instances of sending a kid in for a second rinse, or to wash with SOAP this time fercryinoutloud, but mostly everyone did it themselves.

    • Aldonza

      May 9, 2013 at 1:25 am

      Yeah, I think I was in the shower on my own by 5 or so. Mom was nearby, since my brother and I would use the shower in my parents room, but other than occasionally needing her help with my long, curly hair, I was good.

  9. M.

    May 9, 2013 at 5:04 am

    Obviously she should never invite those horrible people over again, but why is she so excited about finding a way to tell her coworker “Oh, in case you were wondering, you’re never coming over again!”. It sounds like she’s stuck in high school and giddy about starting some drama.

    Here’s how an adult would handle the situation: Don’t invite them over again.

    And if they ask about getting together again, come up with a lie. That’s what adults do. We lie.

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