Childrearing

World’s Most Clueless Parent Tries To Buy ‘Cool Black Kid’ Friends On Craigslist For Bullied Son

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cool black friendsIf your kid is bullied, have you tried posting on Craigslist to find him some ‘cool black kid’ friends? Today in ‘please let this be ill-advised satire’ news, there’s a clueless New Orleans parent who placed an ad on behalf of his poor beleaguered son, who I’m sure will not be in for an even worse time once his classmates find out that his parents tried to buy him friends on Craigslist.

You know, I live in Wisconsin, where clueless racism is sort of part of the background radiation, but I’m still taken aback by this ad:

cool black kids craigslist adIt was nice of the parent to specify cool black kids in particular, since that implies he at least realizes that not all black teens are the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; but he does seem to think that any black kids would be able to prevent his kid from being bullied merely by virtue of their skin color, as if being black automatically means you are tough, if not outright intimidating. Although depending on if the kid’s bullying classmates are as clueless as the parent who wrote the ad, I guess maybe a Magical Force Field of Scary Blackness might actually do the trick. Or maybe this is a different flavor of stereotyping, one where the parent thinks if the cool black kids on his payroll can show up, befriend his son, and then amaze the classmates by teaching everyone to rap and breakdance in the school parking lot? Either way, yuck.

May I make a suggestion? Dear fellow parents: if your child is being bullied, maybe talk to him, and his school’s authority figures, about things that would help? Because I’m 9000% sure that “go behind my back to hire me some cool friends, also make sure to stereotype them and please do it on the Internet where someone everyone is going to end up seeing it” is not going to be on the wish list of any child, ever. I would venture out on a limb to say that, perhaps, not being a racist hemorrhoid stain on the underpants of humanity would be a good start if you’re looking for ways to do right by your child. I’m not sure whether I hope this kid finds out what his folks are up to so he can yell at them for it, or if I hope he lives on in blissful ignorance, with or without some parent-payrolled BFFs. Poor guy.

I appreciate that this parent wants to help his child, and it’s also a nice touch that he is willing to pay well above the minimum wage to the preteen pseudo-friends he wants to employ. But I still think his money would be better invested in a book about microaggressions, or an online course on benevolent racism, or maybe just a seminar on how not to be a douchebag. I think his son, and all of the cool black kids that his son goes to school with, would appreciate that.

(Image: Martin Allinger/Shutterstock)

36 Comments

  1. Jen TheTit Whisperer

    October 22, 2014 at 8:50 am

    • Aimee

      October 22, 2014 at 9:28 am

      *right click > save*

      I think this GIF will come in handy on several occasions.

    • Jen TheTit Whisperer

      October 22, 2014 at 9:29 am

      Give it another hour and I’m sure one of you ladies will post something that will warrant it. I’ve cut back on my caffeine intake because I get worked up over some posts. So, silver lining?

  2. LaughingRat

    October 22, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Also wanted: A fat kid, rebel kid from the wrong side of the tracks, nerdy Asian kid, tomboy girl who is mistaken for a boy until she gets dolled up for the school dance, and their charismatic Wonderbread white boy leader.

    • rockmonster

      October 22, 2014 at 9:08 am

      Get a Native American with memory issues and we have a Power Ranger team.

    • LaughingRat

      October 22, 2014 at 9:40 am

      Go Go Generic Good Looking Kids Who Are Somehow Still Socially Ostracized!

    • Wells.k

      October 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

      @Wl, My last pay <-check was $9500 working 12 hours a week online. My neighbour's sister has been averaging 15k for months now and she works about 20 hours a week. I can't believe how easy it was once I tried it out..

      ——————————————————————
      Going on
      Here ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­I ­­­­­­­­­started—– http://BestSituationWorksForum97$$…..
      >>>>>–>->>>
      —–­­­­————-­­­­————–­­­­———————­­­­————–

      {take a look at any link in this}

    • tk88

      October 22, 2014 at 9:54 am

      And the stick in the mud-borderline abusive principal for them to rebel agsinst. That bit is important!

    • Samantha Escobar

      October 23, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      This is why I always scroll down to read Mommyish comments. You people are brilliant.

  3. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    October 22, 2014 at 8:54 am

    I had to read the headline twice to make sure I’d read it correctly.

    Maybe this is one of those fake CL ads? Maybe? A hoax? I can hope, can’t I?

    • Aimee

      October 22, 2014 at 9:27 am

      I want this to be true very badly, but I don’t have enough faith in humanity to really believe it. :/

    • Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      October 22, 2014 at 9:29 am

      I know. I’m holding on as tightly as I can to that last little sliver.

  4. Helene

    October 22, 2014 at 8:56 am

    I thought it is illegal now to buy black people.

    • rockmonster

      October 22, 2014 at 9:11 am

      It’s more like “I’ll hire you to be my son’s friend, and committ casual racism”

    • LaughingRat

      October 22, 2014 at 9:23 am

      I dunno, according to my memory Richard Pryor was OK with being purchased as a toy for white kids as recently as 1982.

  5. Ursi

    October 22, 2014 at 8:58 am

    As benevolent racism goes, this is pretty laughable. I just don’t even know what I would say to these people.

    I mean I know that when I was 14, having a cool as hell, tough and mouthy latina friend was wayyyy more impressive then the shy pasty white nerds I usually gravitated towards. Of course we were actually friends and I wasn’t slipping her money on the side to hang out with me. And I was 14.

    How do people become adults with this level of cluelessness?

    • Aimee

      October 22, 2014 at 9:27 am

      I’m not sure the label ‘adult’ really applies to people who unwittingly recreate the plot of many a Nickelodeon episode in their real lives.

    • Aimee

      October 22, 2014 at 9:26 am

      I know, Richard. I know.

    • noodlestein's danger tits

      October 22, 2014 at 10:49 am

      But also, mmmmmmmmmm.

  6. Guest

    October 22, 2014 at 9:53 am

  7. keelhaulrose

    October 22, 2014 at 9:55 am

    • Katherine Handcock

      October 22, 2014 at 10:44 am

      Upvoted because BENEDICT!

    • LeggEggTorpedoTits

      October 22, 2014 at 11:12 am

      I’m with Katherine! OOOOH that man…so…so… yum.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      October 22, 2014 at 12:03 pm

      Damn but that man is fine as hell.

  8. tk88

    October 22, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Despite the parent’s stupidly racist addition of the ‘cool kid’ being black, I just find this horribly sad. In what universe do you really think it’ll help tor kid to PAY others to be his friend? That’s even more crushing than having no friends.

    • noodlestein's danger tits

      October 22, 2014 at 10:52 am

      Right? I mean, this person seems cluesless all around. Did they really think, even if they brought off this ridiculous scheme pulled out of an 80s movie, that the kid somehow wouldn’t find out? Like the first time he annoyed his hired friends? It’s just utterly stupid. Talk to your kid, for god’s sakes!!!

  9. guest

    October 22, 2014 at 10:39 am

    I’m just picturing the whitest most typical dad thats ever dad-ed sitting in his khakis, white socks pulled up mid calf, glasses, gray-ish hair, still has an aol account, posting on craigslist instead of having an actual conversation with his child.

  10. Lolol

    October 22, 2014 at 11:12 am

    “Racist hemorrhoid stain on the underpants of humanity” I nearly about spit out my smoothie letting out a big LOL when I read this. Never have I read such an honest and hilarious summarization about a group of people. Thank you for this.

  11. KLush

    October 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    I really hope this is a hoax.

  12. WarriorMermaids

    October 22, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    It’s probably just a joke, but it will be funny if it’s not.

  13. LeeLee

    October 23, 2014 at 3:46 am

    It doesn’t look like the post specifies the race of the parent or kid being friended. It very well could be a post from someone who is not white. It sounds a lot like last week’s episode of Black-ish.

  14. Fred McCoy II

    October 23, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Teenager me would have taken the money. #NoShame

  15. CrazyFor Kate

    October 24, 2014 at 12:34 am

    If I were this kid, I’d have changed my name and moved to Mars by now. God, how humiliating.

  16. Daily_Funk

    November 7, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    I’m guessing that the parents are Liberal Democrats, I would like to hear from them to know for sure.

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