Childrearing

How To Parent Like A Juggalo

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Juggalo parenting 101There’s been a lot of talk about parenting styles lately, and since I hate being left out of the party, I decided to throw my hat into the ring (though I doubt there will ever be anything as epic as Viking Parenting). As I’ve mentioned before, I once had the honor of procreating with an Insane Clown Posse enthusiast, or as they prefer to be known, a Juggalo. That’s right folks, I bred with a Juggalo. And boy do they hate to be called out on their shit. Here are a prickle of Juggalos (a prickle being a group of one or more Juggalos, much like a group of porcupines) letting me know how they feel about my last ICP-fan-related post.

(via: Faygoluvers.net)

faygo lovers 1

Classy

faygo lovers 2

Telling me to kill myself…how original!

faygo lovers 3

Nope, this isn’t in any way proving my point!

faygo lovers 4

Technology, how does that work?

But what does it take to be a Juggalo parent? Juggalo parenting goes way beyond simply dropping out of the third grade to start a meth lab. No, to mold a proper Ninja or Ninjette, you need to truly commit to the Juggalo lifestyle, or risk committing that most heinous of crimes – creating a Jugga-ho. *Shudder*

So how can you ensure that your little ninja will forever be down with the clown? Remember these rules:

1. The Juggalo Army Is Never Full

juggalo baby blingee

Blingee.com

A true Ninjette makes an Olympic sport out of teen parenting. Any Lette’ worth her salt should easily have popped out two or three mini-ninjas by the time she graduates high school. Ha ha! Just kidding, Juggalos don’t go to high school! Juggalo breeding is like the Quiverfull movement, except instead of breeding arrows for god’s army, they’re breeding soldiers for ICP’s meth army. Those meth-amphetamines aren’t gonna sell themselves.

2. Faygo: It Does A Body Good

typical juggalo baby

Memegenerator.net

Faygo is the sweet, diabetes-inducing nectar of life. A good Juggalo parent will start their Jugga-babe on this magnificent mana from heaven as early as possible, not counting the obvious consumption in utero (a dedicated Ninjette will start douching with her favorite flavor moments after taking a pregnancy test). Who needs baby formula when you have over 50 flavors of sticky goodness to put in your baby’s bottle? Nothing is more beautiful to a Ninja than a newborn covered in Faygo and second hand meth smoke. Speaking of meth…

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213 Comments

  1. Theresa Edwards

    July 10, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    OMG dying

  2. Stefanie Phillips

    July 10, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    In. Tears.

    • Fallopian Twerker Phillips

      July 10, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      PHILLIPS!!!!

  3. Fallopian Twerker Phillips

    July 10, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    OMG, totally know what Face is going to be for Halloween this year.

    I’m curious, why are baby Juggalos called Ninjas? I feel like they should be called Juggalittles.

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      Goo Goo Ga Ga MUTHAFUCKA!

    • Eve Vawter

      July 10, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      THAT EXPLAINS IT

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      Is your ex still “down with the clown?” How does anyone say that with a straight face?

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      Thankfully he’s not. He didn’t grow up with this crap, so he wasn’t as indoctrinated as some of these other clowns. Heh heh, clowns..

    • Alex Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      According to Urban Dictionary, it’s because the younger Juggalos have to be stealthy to avoid parental wrath.

      I would’ve thought it was because none of them expect pregnancy. #FertilizationBeSneaky

    • Kelly

      July 10, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      Wow, that’s disgusting. For some reason I thought the explanation would be funny instead of reeking of child abuse.

    • WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

      July 10, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      Jugglings? Jugglets?

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      All Juggalos are called Ninjas or Ninjettes for some reason. But I love ‘Juggalittles’ LOL!

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      Why aren’t lady juggalos called juggahos?

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      Female Juggalos are called ‘Juggalettes’. Juggalos haters are called ‘Jugga-hoes.’

      Trust me, I wish I didn’t know this. It’s taking up valuable brain space.

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 5:25 pm

      #juggano

    • Fallopian Twerker Phillips

      July 10, 2014 at 7:08 pm

      Someone needs to make a ” JuggaNopeNopeNope” meme.

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 12:04 am

      I am sad to admit that one of my FB friends is a Juggalo. I promise you, otherwise she’s completely normal- but damn, that is some awful music.

  4. wispy

    July 10, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    BAHAHAHA I remember reading that article so long ago, going to read it again AND the comments, I’m sure there are some classics on there!

  5. jo

    July 10, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Where do these people live? I currently reside in meth country but (fortunately) have yet to see them.

    • middleofnowheremom

      July 10, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      You can generally locate them anywhere around your local run-down, crack-shack looking, dirty, trailer parks. Not saying all trailer parks are like this, but go cruise through town to find the one that makes you shudder and say OH HELL NO. They will be found on the porch smoking, drinking and listening to their music. Be sure to take your camera, because they can be an illusive bunch!

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 1:48 pm

      I once saw one in the wild! Well, I actually saw him at the mall and he was in full ICP regalia, and, unfortunately, with a girl pushing a stroller. It was like being on a safari and seeing a lion up close – kind of terrifying and amazing all at once.

    • middleofnowheremom

      July 10, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      Bonus points if you can find one that doesn’t have an ICP/Pot leaf t-shirt on!

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      I think I must live in the camo/country music/JohnDeere portion of method country.

    • middleofnowheremom

      July 10, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      That’s another level of batshitcrazy parenting that Mommyish hasn’t even touched yet.

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:10 pm

      REDNECK parenting, we need an article on that

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:28 pm

      Great suggestion! Can I please do this next, @EveVawter:disqus

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:34 pm

      As a born and bred southerner, I could totally contribute to this. I see it every day.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      And @frances_bean:disqus and @EveVawter:disqus, as another born and bread southerner, I’m going to go ahead and say this…

      “We’re not all rednecks!”

      🙂

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:51 pm

      Yes! A thousand times yes! While my family was bred in the backwoods, I am not a backwoods hick.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      A friend of mine moved from Wisconsin to North Carolina. Of course, one of the most common statements he got was “I bet you see a lot of rednecks.”

      “No,” he said. “Actually I’ve seen more in Wisconsin than I ever have in the south.”

      So, there you go.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      Indiana is also chock full of rednecks.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      I think a lot of the Midwest is actually.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      I’ve got a few examples from my husband, and his redneck ways.
      Seriously, I came home one day to six baby toys fixed with duct tape.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      Awesome. My favorite is the Mountain Dew in the baby bottle. Gotta start ’em out right!

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      I put my foot down on Mountain Dew (my daughter got her first taste of soda on her 6th birthday, and gets one about once a month).
      But I will never forget the day he came home from shopping for her fourth birthday with a hunting outfit and a six inch knife. I can’t believe I had to use the phrase “No fucking weapons for a kid who still thinks Mickey Mouse is real!”

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      I have a family member whose baby girl got her first taste of Pepsi before she came home from the hospital…watered down of course.

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      I need to learn how to fit into my new community.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      Looks like you’re doing okay to me. 🙂

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 1:00 am

      Tip number whatever: During a pageant, give your daughter Mountain Dew and Pixie Stix to pep her up so she can be energetic during her Beauty Walk.

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Northwest Wisconsin?

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      Nope but I have relatives there, and I see your point

    • JenH1986

      July 10, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      There is an abundant population in Cincinnati and in/around Detroit. But I think they can be found everywhere. Just look for Hatchetman tattoo or decal on a car.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 1:55 pm

      You can usually smell them before you see them.

  6. jane

    July 10, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    I want to laugh, but I know it’s true, so I also want to cry. It’s coming out a weird cough/burp thing.

  7. Alex Lee

    July 10, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Cannot get enough of that “Wrong Neighborhood” picture. <3

  8. Cruelty Cupcake

    July 10, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    “She has obviously never had candy apple or black cherry Faygo”

    LOL I don’t know why but this one is fucking killing me. Cutting right to the heart of the matter!

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      OBVIOUSLY all we need here is for all of us to sample the good Faygo flavors. It’s just like when you see your baby for the first time.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      That cracked me up! “I’m going to take a time out from calling this person a whore to let her know she has chosen the wrong flavor of soda.”
      Also, just reading the words “candy apple flavored soda” has made my teeth hurt.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      I would drink some with vodka, but one year I made skittles-infused vodka so I am some kind of animal.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      Everything that is not so tasty is made tasty with vodka, nectar of the gods.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      Oh, see, except for maybe a craving for sour patch kids during shark week, I have no taste for super sweet stuff anymore. But I’ll drink a nice stiff gin and tonic with lime while you have your skittles vodka, and we can ridicule the Juggaloes.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      I don’t really have a sweet tooth either, it’s more of a booze tooth. Whiskey neat, g&t, Faygo and vodka…I will drink it all!!!!!!!

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      LOL I too have a booze tooth! Awesome new term to add to my vocabulary.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      Abomination!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      It was delicious! Although I will say the sweet tea vodka I made was much better. Skittles vodka tasted too much like highschool and a loss of dignity. But I still drank it.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      I can’t even look at a Mike’s Hard Lemonade anymore without feeling some residual shame.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      Zima is my drink of shame. Also, fun story: my Mom once busted me drinking wine coolers while I was in HS. Without fail, whenever I go home, she’s all “I bought some wine coolers for you! I know you like them!”. I don’t even know where you’d purchase them anymore!

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      Oh Zima…that’s another good one.

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

      Zima? That still exists?

    • coffeeandshoes

      July 11, 2014 at 6:53 am

      I don’t know about here in the US, as I’ve not seen it in a long time, but it is alive and well in Japan. Ordering a Zima in an Osaka burger joint was definitely fun. 🙂

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 11, 2014 at 7:15 am

      I don’t think it does, but I did find this totally rad Zima commercial!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUcq9_IsnXM

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 9:45 am

      I legit choked laughing at this.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 11, 2014 at 7:59 am

      I haven’t seen it in quite awhile…but I haven’t been looking for it either.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      We did Zima with Jolly Ranchers in the bottom. Thought we were cool. We likened it to a Corona with a lime wedge. *sigh*

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      Damn, girl. I just posted about Zima and Jolly Ranchers up above. We MIGHT be the same person.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      Hahahaha…I didn’t see that! GET OUT OF MY HEAD CLEO!

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      Did we go to high school together?!

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      Where are you in the south?

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Tennessee. You? (This is one of those times that I really wish Mommyish had a chat room or private messaging feature.)

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      Texas. 🙁

      And….yes, to the other sentiment. You hear that @EveVawter:disqus?!

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      Definitely don’t know each other in person. 🙂
      Are ya listenin’ @EveVawter:disqus? We need a PM or chat room feature and I would like to see the following articles:
      Redneck Parenting
      Your Best Drinking Story That Didn’t Produce Children Or Jail Time

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      I don’t have a BEST drinking story per se, but it was pretty much every moment of my two week binge through Europe when I was in my early twenties.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      I don’t remember a lot of it, sadly. Alcoholic haze.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      Do not fear….I was the same way. At least I have the pictures to prove I was there.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      There’s only one picture that I know of…;)

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:28 pm

      European drinking is the best kind! I present to you a photo of me, drunk as shit, on the BierBike in Germany. Also, bonus pic of my whiskey taster’s certificate.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      I’m so jealous of the lot of you who got to drink in Europe. I was 5 months pregnant when I went. No drinking, but a lot of bitching.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 4:24 pm

      Boo! That sucks. I hope you get another chance!

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      I hope so too. We were visiting my sister in Leuven (sp?) Belgium, where Stella Artois is brewed. Here we were, sitting outside at midnight, and everyone is enjoying their awesome beer but me.

      We also stayed in Dublin and London, and my husband just raved about the beer. ASS.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 6:02 pm

      I would have been the most bitter prego anyone had ever seen. It was bad enough going to our local brewpubs when I was pregnant. If I had been in Europe and unable to have all the beer I would have been so pissed.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      We have those beer bikes in Asheville! I would be the one sitting on the bench, screaming obscenities at people in cars.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      Aww…I love seeing pictures of my “friends.”

    • Fallopian Twerker Phillips

      July 10, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      How cute are you? Funny, you don’t look anything like your Disqus pic 😉

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 11, 2014 at 5:58 am

      Haha. Thanks! Hmm. Maybe my Disqus picture was taken at a weird angle or something. :p

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      You can buy singles in giant bins at Walmart for 50 cents.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      Of course! Also I think that was the most white trash sentence ever! Lol

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      I like to keep it klassy.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      I am planning to visit some college friends for a mini-reunion. One of them suggested we all bring a partially-full bottle of something and have one last “trashcan party” for old-times sake.
      I threw up in my mouth a little at the memory.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:53 pm

      [URL=http://gifsoup.com/view/3031621/lloyd-gag.html][IMG]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/3031621/lloyd-gag-o.gif[/IMG][/URL] [URL=http://gifsoup.com]GIFSoup[/URL]

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      Omg I know, luckily everything you drink in highschool is shit anyway. Mike’s, Smirnoff Ice, Natty Ice, Jim Beam, Burnett’s, Boone’s Farm. I’m no booze snob but yeah, I’m not missing any of that.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      Don’t forget the Arbor Mist!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      Nah, that shit was way too classy for me.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      I have purchased my fair share of Carlo Rossi (gallon jug). For dinner parties.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      Oh. Is that not classy? 🙁

      Ha, ha.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 3:09 pm

      I brew my own wine.
      There was one point where the wine was ready to bottle, but we had none for a party we were having. It was one of those summery, fruit-infused wines that is ready to drink as soon as it’s bottled.
      I seriously got the siphon out and poured it straight from the carboy into a punch bowl.
      I am one classy bitch.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      I am in the South, and punch bowls are a big fucking deal down here! lol

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Oh yes. Errbody has a crystal punch bowl with matching cups!

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      OMG. I had no idea it was such a big deal! There is a Very Southern Lady here at work who takes it upon herself to make punch for any occasion. I seriously pissed her off for a long time because I didn’t want to drink the Fruit Punch/SPrite with ice cream scuzz on it!

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      Hahahaha…my mom’s strawberry punch is really good and come to think of it I’ve only ever had it served out of her crystal punch bowl. haha. It’s strawberry/pineapple and it excellent with vodka. (She doesn’t know that I know that.)

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      You know what else is good with vodka? Everything on the Sonic drink menu.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      HOLY SHIT GET OUT OF MY HEAD CLEO.
      I literally had typed vodka + Sonic slushie = bliss.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      DAMMIT! Now I want a slush. They’re half price 2-4 right? ;):):)

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 1:10 am

      I was at Pride sitting on a curb and eating lunch. I saw a guy with a bottle of white wine in one hand and a smoothie cup in another sitting across the way from me. I leaned over to him and said, “If that wine were red, you could mix it with the smoothie and make Sangria.” He said that would have been a good idea, except that he already finished his smoothie.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      You shut your mouth! That punch was pretty much the only reason I ever went to stuffy grown up lady parties with my mom when I was a kid. I loved (still love) that damn punch.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      I am a Damn Yankee so I just don’t get the punch. I do love shrimp & grits with an unholy passion though, so hopefully that makes up for it! Also, Redeye gracy, which, for a long time, I thought was a joke they were playing on me until I saw it on a menu.

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 12:58 am

      I remember that punch. Any choral concert, school play, recital, Boy Scout event … anything with an intermission, that punch was brought out. I think it was Hawaiian Punch, pineapple juice and Sprite.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      I call that resourceful. I also call you a soul mate if you did that at a dinner party I attended.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      I’m just lucky my husband was able to find a punch bowl. My alternative was bringing up the carboy and doling out individual servings straight from.
      At least I could promise it wasn’t skunky!

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      Klassy.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:09 pm

      LOL I love that you specified gallon jug, does it come in other sizes?

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in another size!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      I can’t imagine what a regular wine bottle size would cost. Pennies.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      It would only cost you your dignity.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      Oh, I don’t have any of that. I guess it’s a lifetime of Barefoot twofers for me!

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 3:23 pm

      Nothing wrong with a little Carlo!

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

      Motto: “Made From Ingredients”.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      I can honestly sat that I never once drank Natty Ice. Vodka has been my BFF for yeeeeeaaaaars. Screwdrivers were my drink of choice.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      I can’t drink screwdrivers anymore 🙁 A long time ago I had to hold in screwdriver puke while I ran to find a bathroom and the taste of it has turned me off forever. Spaghetti vomit is the only thing worse than screwdriver vomit.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      My worst puke was from…wait for it…purple hooter shooters. Oh my gawd that was awful.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Mine was from straight vodka shots of McCormicks. Ooooohhhh…the BURN!

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Mine was Jager, tequila, and Southern Comfort. No, not at the same time.

      I also got the flu the day after going to a wine bar (Yes, it was the flu. I swear!), and it was a good year before I could drink Merlot again. I worked real hard to overcome that one.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      I also had an unfortunate run in with grape Mad Dog. A terrible Southern Comfort experience happened later. The best thing about turning 21 was the ability to have some fucking taste in alcohol.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      The best part of graduating college and getting a job was the ability to BUY better alcohol and beer.

      ETA: Although I have been tempted to throw a “back to school” party for my friends that consist of Boone’s Farm, Natty Light, and lots of hoodies.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      I still can’t drink Guinness because one of my old coworkers hosted a “car bomb Christmas” (I know that drink name is super offensive, but I don’t know what else to call it) and I drank like 12 of them and wanted to die. Also can’t do Jager because of Jagerbombs but jesus fucking christ, who wants to?! I’m surprised I didn’t set a building on fire when I was overdoing it on those.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      I used to think Jager was the worst, until I had fucking Unicum. Ever had it? It is like Jager but a million times more disgusting.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      Jager is codeword for douchebag.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      Douchmeister.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      NO but I’m pretty sure that is the worst name for a drink I have ever heard. Is it served warm?

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      The it is served room temp. Some Hungarian herbal thing but it tastes like licorice and a goblins as after running a marathon. They brag about how the recipe is top secret but I suspect it’s because no one wants it.

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 11, 2014 at 12:03 am

      I have. It’s very herbal. What started as a pre-Easter dinner with cousins turned into “Let’s do shots!” Actually, it started as his offering us a taste of Becherovka (I think). He told the story that someone encouraged him to taste it, making him think it was delicious. That same person gave him a bottle and he was encouraging us to taste it. That led to us discussing what’s in his liquor cabinet and letting those who wanted to taste it. I was one of the tasters. Then we all finished with a Scotch.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 11, 2014 at 5:39 am

      Becherovka tastes like potpourri. My husband had a bottle that he got as a gift.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      I never did like Jager. Awful stuff.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      I almost got kicked out of an Irish bar for requesting an “Irish car bomb” shot. That’s all I knew it by! The bartender got super snotty with me and said, “We call it a ‘lunchbox’.” In what world is Guinness and Bailey’s a “lunch?”

      Oh wait. My dreamworld. Nevermind.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Carbs, dairy and alcohol! It’s got all the food groups covered, sounds like a balanced meal to me.

    • tSubh Dearg

      July 11, 2014 at 10:40 am

      Funnily enough we’re a little sensitive about that one! It can also be called a Baby Guinness depending on where you are.
      The other drink not to order in an Irish pub is a Black and Tan – this will result in seriously pissed off people.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 11, 2014 at 10:46 am

      I can understand why. But I had honestly never heard it called anything else before, including a “lunchbox.”

      And yes, it’s Half and Half in an Irish pub if I’m not mistaken. 🙂

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      Booooooooone’s Farm. Oh, college. Every year the night before the last day of sorority recruitment, we would have a “Boone’s Pass” as an entire sorority. It basically involved everyone bringing their favorite bottle (or two, or three) of Boone’s to drink, and then we would “bond” by passing around a special bottle of Boone’s and when you had THAT bottle, you were the speaker. It got pretty messy, pretty quick.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      #StrawberyHill4Lyf

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      Oh boy…I just spit my drink from laughter.

    • pixie Ninja Tits

      July 10, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      Just thinking about Mike’s or Smirnoff Ice make my teeth hurt and slightly nauseous. I like sweet stuff most of the time, but after drinking so many of those, they’re way too sweet now.
      Though I do remember the awesome time I put a Litre bottle of Smirnoff Ice in the freezer to chill, forgot about it for a day, then when I remembered it, it was an alcoholic slushy.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Hah! Loss of dignity indeed. Malibu Rum tastes like that to me. 🙂 I prefer vodka-infused vodka. All about the Chopin!

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Ugh. I can’t even stand the SMELL of Malibu anymore. Takes me back to chugging it straight as part of my pre-party in college.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      My cousin and I once got hammered on Malibu while my MOm was out grocery shopping. I’m not sure we knew how alcohol worked. Like, did we think we were going to sober up in an hour?

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      And if one was looking for a sweet tea vodka recipe, would you have a suggestion as to where they’d look?
      Because now I want some. Badly.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:51 pm

      I’ll try to find the one I used! I want to say that I just left tea bags in some jars of vodka for a while and then added sugar at the end. I am super lazy so it couldn’t have been much more involved.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      My sister made bacon-infused vodka… I’ve never seen bloody marys go faster.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:58 pm

      I must know the details. I rarely drink anymore but I may have a little just for this.

    • keelhaulrose

      July 10, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      There’s two ways to do it. First, put bacon in vodka, leave it alone for a few days. It’s easier with not-very crispy bacon.
      The second way, well, I’ll send you this tutorial, which I think is even funnier because it’s Betty Crocker telling you how to do it:
      http://www.bettycrocker.com/how-to/tipslibrary/ingredients/how-to-make-bacon-infused-vodka

      A word of caution- it is perishable. You have to use it kind of quickly once you’ve made it.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      That reminds me of how in high school we would drop Jolly Ranchers in our Zima.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Haha…gotcha!

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 10, 2014 at 11:55 pm

      Someone brought vodka soaked gummy candy to a Halloween party once. They were delicious.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 11, 2014 at 7:14 am

      WHAT! That combines my two most favorite things!

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 12:45 am

      Very easy recipe: pour vodka into bowl of gummies (enough to cover them). Cover in plastic wrap and let sit in the fridge for four to five days.

    • Sara610

      July 11, 2014 at 6:14 am

      I think that “drop Jolly Ranchers in our Zima” might be, hands-down, the most 90s thing I’ve heard EVER. Amazing.

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      I know, right? I think this guy took my Faygo hate quite personally.

    • Spongeworthy

      July 10, 2014 at 2:33 pm

      Obviously Faygo is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Don’t fuck with Faygo.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      He’s a Faygo snob.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      Maybe the world’s most hilarious oxymoron.

    • UterineDudebroWhoLikesOlives

      July 10, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      “Moron” being the key in that word.

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 12:00 am

      I have a hard time with the fact that Faygo even exists, never mind that it exists in the same amazing flavor as one of my favorite fall treats.

  9. NoMissCleo...JustMe

    July 10, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    I feel like this article is one of those funny-but-not-really-funny-cause-it’s-kinda-true things. Ugh.

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:21 pm

      Oh there is so much truth to this. I know the comments will soon he littered with Juggalos calling bullshit and saying “we’re not all like this” (#NotAllJuggalos) but from my experience most of them are. Just do a Google image search for ‘Gathering of the Juggalos’ to see what I mean.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 10, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      I’d rather not…I think I’ll just take your word for it. 😉

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 14, 2014 at 4:58 am

      You’re already one of my fave readers, but now three and a half days and a two hilariously exaggerated death threats later….

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      July 14, 2014 at 8:29 am

      You received death threats over this article? They certainly aren’t helping their cause, are they?

  10. JenH1986

    July 10, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    I hate HATE HATE that Cincinnati has so many of these people running amok.

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      Hamilton Ohio is just rife with them, as I mentioned in my original Juggalo post. hamiltucky, lol

    • JenH1986

      July 10, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      They should just change the name. It’s actually called that in the Cincinnati Remix of Kanye’s Gold Digger song. It’s embarrassing to KY to have it’s name associated with it.

    • 2Well

      July 10, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      Yes. Yes. Yes. We already have this:

    • JenH1986

      July 11, 2014 at 8:00 am

      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think those guys live near my rental!

  11. marie

    July 10, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Unfortunately there are juggalo parents. Google Anabel lotus and read the encyclopedia dramatica article and listen to the mom use her daughter’s death to get free Icp stuff.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      July 10, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      Is this the ICP funeral couple?

    • marie

      July 10, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      Yes, complete with a hatchet man on the casket

    • marie

      July 10, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Yea, ED is an Anonymous thing. Gotta love em, gotta hate em. The parents were actually the ones to spam the photo on Facebook and MySpace. As callous as it sounds, poor baby is lucky to not have them as a mom and dad.

    • Rachel Sea

      July 10, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      I am sorry I googled that. The parents look like tools, but the response is worse

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      I couldn’t help myself I had to look, that was extremely depressing

    • Rachel Sea

      July 10, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      I used to be friends with one of the founders of the Encyclopedia Dramatica. I now remember quite vividly why that stopped.

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:24 pm

      I…I just can’t…

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      I saw that awhile ago. That is horrible.

  12. middleofnowheremom

    July 10, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Thank you sweet baby Jesus (name that movie), for giving me the smarts to run like hell from these people.

    • Obladi Oblada

      July 10, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      Ricky Bobby!
      “Help me Tom Cruise! Help me Baby Jesus!”

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 12:41 am

      Dear Baby Jesus, with golden hair and fleecy diapers …..

  13. Bleu Cheese Bewbs

    July 10, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Your Blingee is cracking me up, Frances!

  14. WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

    July 10, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    All humor aside, after reading the comments from the prickle then reading #2…I’m concerned that they may actually start douching with Faygo. I’m furrealz uneasy.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 1:57 pm

      Imagine the yeast infections.

    • WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

      July 10, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      AACKK! *twitch* What’s a little oozing, right?

      ps: LOVE your new name!

  15. jo

    July 10, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    I am unfamiliar with their music, in my world icp stands for intracranial pressure. So I hopped over to YouTube to have a listen AND OMG THAT’S HORRIBLE. I listened for 42 seconds, and I wish I could selectively lobotomize the part of my brain where that memory is.

    • Fallopian Twerker Phillips

      July 10, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      Sounds like their music caused you intracranial pressure! BOOM!

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      I’m having trouble reading this with all the blood pouring from my eye sockets

    • Elizabeth Licata

      July 10, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      Please tell me you watched the video for Miracles. Having seen that was one of the high points of my life. (I saw the SNL parody first, and then when I saw the original I was flabbergasted because the actual video is so much more ridiculous than the parody I couldn’t believe it.)

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      Yup. It has 14 million views. WWWTTTFFFF

    • Frances Frumpy Mumps Locke

      July 10, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      I had that on repeat while I was writing this to drive my significant other nuts, because living with my ex made me immune to ICP’s stupidity.

    • jo

      July 10, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      Once in a great while you read a comment from a reasonable-sounding juggalo, but now I know what their music sounds like it totally invalidates every somewhat intelligent thing that they might say, because the one common denominator between them all is the love for this shitty music.

    • Gangle

      July 10, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      OMG, I just watched the miracles on youtube… the comments were gold!

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      July 11, 2014 at 6:58 am

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      apple labtop. . there sisters neighbour has done this 4 only 19 months and by
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  16. LadyClodia the Modest Rat

    July 10, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    My younger brother was sort of a Juggalo when he was a teenager in the late 90’s. Thankfully he grew out of that. I’m still a little bitter about it because apparently my parents didn’t care that he listened to ICP, but when I had been the same age they gave me shit about listening to Meat Loaf. 😛

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      July 10, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      Meatloaf is a known bad influence! He has lead many a soul down the wrong path, I am sure.

    • Rachel Sea

      July 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      Bless my soul, he really loves that rock n’ roll.

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      July 10, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      What a guy. Makes you cry, Und I did.

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 12:39 am

      I love when people respond to “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that” with “What? What won’t he do?” It’s not that ambiguous. He says what he won’t do in each verse. According to the lyrics, he won’t:
      forget the way you feel right now
      forgive myself if we don’t go all the way tonight
      do it better than I do it with you
      stop dreaming of you every night of my life

    • whiteroses

      July 11, 2014 at 12:05 am

      “PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIIIIIIIGHT!!!!”
      Sorry. I just got done frosting two dozen cupcakes for my son’s second birthday party tomorrow (buttloads of family up in here) and I’m a little punchy.

    • blh

      July 11, 2014 at 9:14 am

      Oh, I think heroin and meth are on about the same level. Neither of them make for pleasant people or good parents.

  17. Nameless Mom

    July 10, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    boyfriend works with one… we both listened to ICP when we were much younger, and i keep joking that im gonna take his coworker some faygo. he just said “don’t you even dare let him know we ever listened to that! he will never leave me alone then. he will think i am one of them.”

  18. Rachel Sea

    July 10, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    It makes me glad my parents were just Dead Heads. I can only imagine the fucked-upedness of being the child of parents who are seriously involved in the “family.” Pot and psychedelics and heroin suck when you are little, but meth is a whole other level.

  19. Elizabeth

    July 10, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Whenever see lyrics from that song, I honestly don’t know whether it’s from the song itself or from the glorious parody that SNL did, featuring such wonderful lines as “what the fuck is a clock?!”

    • Caitlin Burrows

      July 12, 2014 at 12:33 am

      After seeing the SNL parody and a little bit of the real one (until I said, “Oh God, make it stop!”) I prefer the SNL parody.

  20. Katja Yount

    July 10, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Pardon my ignorance but what in the hell is “Faygo”?

    • TroutyMouthy

      July 10, 2014 at 4:28 pm

      It’s soda or “pop” as we call it that’s made here in Detroit, Michigan. It’s kind of a staple of the midwest in terms of drinks. There’s a million flavors each more sugary than the last, but they taste great with alcohol.

  21. TroutyMouthy

    July 10, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    I’ll never forget this gem. It was passed around my high school several years back and soooo many people thought this was “touching” and beautiful! I found it extremely distasteful and offensive. This is apparently how Juggalos pay tribute to their poor babies. These garbage people actually ended up losing the baby because it was premature due to that red hippo you see’s drug use.

  22. Coffee&Cats

    July 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    BRB! Gotta go tell my man that I plan on parenting like a Lette! XD

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