There's been a lot of talk about parenting styles lately, and since I hate being left out of the party, I decided to throw my hat into the ring (though I doubt there will ever be anything as epic as Viking Parenting). As I've mentioned before, I once had the honor of procreating with an Insane Clown Posse enthusiast, or as they prefer to be known, a Juggalo. That's right folks, I bred with a Juggalo. And boy do they hate to be called out on their shit. Here are a prickle of Juggalos (a prickle being a group of one or more Juggalos, much like a group of porcupines) letting me know how they feel about my last ICP-fan-related post.
Telling me to kill myself...how original!
Nope, this isn't in any way proving my point!
Technology, how does that work?
But what does it take to be a Juggalo parent? Juggalo parenting goes way beyond simply dropping out of the third grade to start a meth lab. No, to mold a proper Ninja or Ninjette, you need to truly commit to the Juggalo lifestyle, or risk committing that most heinous of crimes - creating a Jugga-ho. *Shudder*
So how can you ensure that your little ninja will forever be down with the clown? Remember these rules:
1. The Juggalo Army Is Never Full
A true Ninjette makes an Olympic sport out of teen parenting. Any Lette' worth her salt should easily have popped out two or three mini-ninjas by the time she graduates high school. Ha ha! Just kidding, Juggalos don't go to high school! Juggalo breeding is like the Quiverfull movement, except instead of breeding arrows for god's army, they're breeding soldiers for ICP's meth army. Those meth-amphetamines aren't gonna sell themselves.
2. Faygo: It Does A Body Good
Faygo is the sweet, diabetes-inducing nectar of life. A good Juggalo parent will start their Jugga-babe on this magnificent mana from heaven as early as possible, not counting the obvious consumption in utero (a dedicated Ninjette will start douching with her favorite flavor moments after taking a pregnancy test). Who needs baby formula when you have over 50 flavors of sticky goodness to put in your baby's bottle? Nothing is more beautiful to a Ninja than a newborn covered in Faygo and second hand meth smoke. Speaking of meth...
3. Smoking and Drinking and Drugs, Oh My!
For soon-to-be Ninjette mommies, it's recommend that you cut back to no more than three packs of cigarettes and a 40 oz. of malt liquor a day. As for drugs, good Jugga-moms only get the good meth. It might be tempting to save your hard-earned that money your mom gave you by buying the cheap shit, but remember, your little Lo' is worth it.
4. ICP Music 4 Lyfe
It's imperative that your little Ninja hear nothing but sweet, sweet Insane Clown Posse music, ideally from the moment of conception. So go ahead and cram those ear buds right up your Jugga-hole. Because it's never too early for your little one to be down with the clown.
5. Vaginas...How do They Work?
Since a major tenet of the Juggalo lifestyle is fear of the unknown and/or learning, it's vital that you stay away from anything that might improve your life or make you smarter. From ICP's anthem if intellectualism "Miracles":
"Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed."
Obviously scientists are all charlatans who can't be trusted, and this includes doctors. A true female who is down with the clown will refuse any of that fancy-shmancy medical shit, instead popping a squat to give birth in a ditch during the Gathering of the Juggalos.
As nature intended.
(Photo: Crack Smoke / Memegenerator.net)