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One Million Moms Is Here To Protect Our Daughters From Having Sex With Walruses

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Thank God for One Million Moms, protecting us against evil sexy pasta sauce and same-sex marriage sandwich cookies! Without this fine organization, I would have no idea that what I thought was just sort of a dumb candy commercial was actually poisoning my children’s minds and making them want to make out with a walrus.

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From the One Million Moms Website:

We are not sure of Skittles’ thought process behind their new ad, but if they are attempting to offend customers, they have succeeded. Skittles’ newest “Walrus” commercial includes a teen girl making out with a walrus. The two are on a sofa in an apartment kissing on the mouth when her shocked roommate walks in on them.

Wait a gosh darn minnit here, One Million Moms! Why is this “teen” girl living on her own without any parents and just a roommate and a walrus! Is this why you find this ad “disgusting“? Because this teen girl is living on her own with no parents and a gigantic walrus she has to feed and probably a huge water bill because walruses are fond of water?

No! It’s because:

Skittles Marketing Team may have thought this was humorous, but not only is it disgusting, it is taking lightly the act of bestiality.

I’m not here to walrus-shame anyone, but watching the above commercial with the girl making out with the walrus, I find it extremely hard to imagine anyone either 1: finding a walrus as anything but a cute gigantic animal and 2: wanting to actually make out or engage in any sexual activity with a walrus. Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe there is some massive subculture of walrus loving zoophiles out there who would love nothing more than smooching on a four thousand pound marine animal with 3-foot-long tusks, but I don’t think walruses are exactly the Ryan Gosling of the animal kingdom. Nor do I think seeing this kinda dumb commercial is going to make our young daughters suddenly develop walrus fetishes. If anything, it may remind them that Skittles are a yummy candy. So the only threat this TV advertisement poses is the $2.98 I’m going to be out buying a large bag of Skittles to share with my kids. And then watching walrus videos with them while eating them. And trust me, we won’t be finding the walruses sexy.

(Photo: Vladimir Melnik/Shutterstock)

23 Comments

  1. Lastango

    August 25, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    “And trust me, we won’t be finding the walruses sexy”
    No, but the walruses think you’re sexy. That’s the problem.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

      Have you suffered from unwanted affection from a giant walrus? I think you need to tell me about it. edited: also, how are the walruses watching TV?

  2. Véronique Houde

    August 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Eve, you’re hilarious 🙂 I love reading your articles!

    • Eve Vawter

      August 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you! Please be careful you don’t meet any walruses out there today, they are EVERYWHERE and corrupting our youths 🙁

    • Sara

      August 25, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      I also love your writing style–very funny!

  3. C.J.

    August 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    Wow, I didn’t even know we were having a sexy walrus epedemic! I usually notice when commercials are innapropriate or send the wrong message to my daughters. I obviously missed that Skittles was trying to promote sex with walruses! It’s geat that One Million Moms wants to try and protect our children! Really, aren’t there any real issues for them to tackle?

    • Eve Vawter

      August 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

      Ooooooh see, you laugh now, just you wait until one of your daughters brings one home to dinner, or takes one to prom!!

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  5. Justme

    August 26, 2012 at 8:54 am

    One Million Moms also might want to hire an accountant. From my calculations (which included googling their Facebook page) they only have approximately 50,000 moms. Which is about 950,000 moms away from their goal. So we can at least take heart in the fact that there REALLY aren’t ONE MILLION moms out there that are totally freaking out about walruses sexually assaulting their daughters.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

      I think we need to start a One Million walruses group. For all we know, the teen girls could be the ones molesting the walruses. WHO is protecting the walruses!? PS: You are really good at the maths and sleuthing. I’m hiring you to be the accountant of the One Million walruses group.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      August 30, 2012 at 3:01 pm

      I wouldn’t mind molesting/making out with Jamie Hyneman–he has a walrus like mustache

  6. Carmen Finnigan

    August 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Where would we be without these people solving problems that don’t exist?

    • Eve Vawter

      August 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

      Haha! They are keeping us all safe!

  7. LiteBrite

    August 26, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    This article made me giggle and sparked a whole host of images: Moms marching in front of a Skittles factory brandishing signs that say “Adam and Eve, not Eve and Walrus” and a new walrus meme trend. (“Hey Girl. Why do they think our love is wrong?”)

    It also inspired me to start my own organization: One Million Moms Against One Million Moms Who Read Too Much Into Seriously Stupid Commercials.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 27, 2012 at 6:40 am

      HAHAHAH! I love your meme. someone make this happen! I, for one, shall be strongly reminding my daughter to be very wary of ANY walruses she sees in school today. Just you wait until her class suggests they take a field trip to an aquarium! That’s just like one of those Thailand sex tours!

  8. notlisa

    August 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I’m not a fan of One Million Moms, by any stretch of the imagination, but I completely disagree with you. How can you argue that seeing someone make out with an animal not cause a child to be curious about what they are seeing? Of course this commercial hints at bestiality…she is making out with a WALRUS (ie. animal, i.e beast)! It was completely disgusting to watch.
    Why didn’t they use men in this ad? Because men kissing and fighting over walruses would actually cement sexual appropriateness. No one takes women’s sexuality seriously anyway so why would anyone care that these silly girls like walruses, in stead of other humans?? There is SO MUCH wrong with this commercial! And though OMM might have missed the mark, they raise a valid point that you could have expounded on. I’m disappointed by this article.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 28, 2012 at 6:24 am

      With kids everyday in the world being (actually) sexually exploited, going to sleep hungry, going to school without coats, being shot while sleeping in their cribs, being beaten for forgetting to take the garbage out, and being raped, I guess I, unlike OMM, have more important things to worry about than the children hopping on a plane to go to The North Pole for some hot walruses action.

      I’m sorry you were disappointed. Here’s a disclaimer for you: If you or your child find yourselves sexually attracted to walruses after viewing the above Skittles candy commercial, please seek help from a trusted therapist right away. Walruses sex is a real threat they we should all be concerned with and it should be noted that this marine animal species doesn’t usually carry condoms (due to their lack of pockets, the fact walruses are usually naked is a topic that is a whole other issue) and your chances of contracting an STD from this 4,000 pound animal is increased. Please do not kiss or have sex with this animal.

    • James Synkgar

      August 28, 2012 at 5:19 pm

      because if you ant to see a man make out with an animal, some women would think it was aslur on women being pigs or something. you can’t win with feminazis

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  10. Jessie

    August 28, 2012 at 10:16 am

    I think this article just made my day! I love your writing style, perfect mix of sarcastic humor and actual commentary! Love it!

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  12. Terry Ray Anderson

    June 7, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    “Won’t somebody PUH-LEEZE think of the children!!!”

  13. Terry Ray Anderson

    June 7, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    PS; I’m not “Mommy-ish”, or even “Daddy-ish”, but I LOVE your website!

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