mommy wars

Talking To My MIL Reminds Me That The ‘Mommy Wars’ Aren’t New And Never Stop

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older mothers mommy warsI love my mother in law. That’s apparently a pretty rare sentiment because when I tell people that, they usually look at me like they’re waiting for me to drop a punchline or say something like “…PSYCH!!”, because apparently a lot of mothers in law are totally awfulsauce.

Mine’s not. I’m not bragging or anything. I mean, someone’s got to have shitty in-laws and it just so happens that my husband drew the short straw. I talk to my MIL at least once a week, sometimes more, and we usually gab for about an hour before one or both of us realizes that there’s other stuff we should be doing. Yes, it’s a charmed life.

When I was a new mom, my MIL was a source of real comfort and commiseration, especially when I ended up staying at home with my child in a strange place. She would often relay her own stories of feeling overwhelmed, bored, isolated, angry, stressed, lonely, and frustrated. It felt good knowing that someone else had been through what I was going through, even if it was decades ago. I couldn’t talk to my own mom about this stuff because with her it was a race to the bottom to see who could win gold in the Shitty Life Olympics. I never won the gold. Usually, I never even placed.

It was this juxtaposition that first caused me to realize, moms have probably been warring from time immemorial. I don’t know why this surprised me, considering my MIL parented in the 90’s, and ’90s parents practically invented helicopter parenting and the judgy backhanded compliment.

My mother worked, my MIL mostly stayed at home. You could hear the vitriol in my mom’s voice when she talked about the charmed life my MIL led, and if I told her that being at home wasn’t, in fact, all that and a bag of chips, I got shut down for not knowing how good I had it, lazy bon-bon eater that I was.

Now that my MIL is older, she still gets flak from people, because with your kids out of the house, what do you do exactly if you aren’t watching soaps? Well, a lot. I’ll admit that when my daughter went to school it got easier, but it didn’t get leisurely. All of the stuff that I didn’t have time to do (read: chores, errands, suckiness) was suddenly feasible with a wide open schedule.

I had to wonder, would people really think she still lives a life of luxury and languor if they knew that a lot of her days are spent scrubbing and painting and dusting? She isn’t idle, no mom is really idle, and that includes working ones, stay at home ones, new moms, seasoned moms, grandmoms, and empty nesters.

Like most depressing stories about how awful we can all be to each other, I hope that people will largely be over it by the time my kid has flounced off to college, but I doubt it. As long as there is insecurity and guilt there will be projection, flowing in both directions (and yes, SAHM guilt about career decisions and money is a thing that is real and also really sucks).

I have to say that I typically refuse to participate in most passive aggressive “mommy wars” bullshit, but I’d also like to add that while my mother in law handles it like she handles everything, (with the kind of grace and poise that would make Kate Middleton look like a Liverpool fishmongering hobo) if anyone tries it with me once I’ve earned my bon bon time I’m gonna handle it Eleanor Abernathy style:

(Image: Accord/Shutterstock)

67 Comments

  1. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    June 18, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    I don’t think the Mommy Wars ever began, and I don’t think they will ever end. Like the universe, they are eternal.

    • Lee

      June 18, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      “This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friend.”

    • Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      June 18, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      I was thinking that when I posted it.

      BTW, thanks for getting that suck in my head… 😛

    • CaseyRiceeym

      June 19, 2014 at 10:17 am

      as Thelma
      explained I cannot believe that a stay at home mom can make $7420 in four weeks
      on the internet . more info here R­e­x­1­0­.­C­O­M­

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  2. noodlestein

    June 18, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    In unrelated news, the girl in the stock photo on the left is what I imgine my soul looks like. You devilish troublemaker, you! Okay, backing up to read the article…

  3. jane

    June 18, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    I agree that jealousy and competition aren’t new, but the mommy wars are. Because I think that 50 years ago no one gave a fuck about how you raised your kids. No one even thought about how other people raised their kids; they barely thought about how they raised their own.

    In a war, someone has to win. The golden ring here is “best mom.” I truly don’t think most women cared about that a while ago. But now? All the time. And it’s a war of attrition – if I can’t climb up, I can sure pull you down.

    • Andrea

      June 18, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      I dunno about that…most moms back then were SAHMs and I’m pretty certain there was a certain disdain/pity towards working mothers, since most of them worked because they had to.

    • jane

      June 18, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      Without being the annoying “history lesson on the internet” person, it’s a myth that most moms didn’t work. At no time were more than 50% of women what we would now consider SAHMs. Prior to the 1920s, a huge percentage of the population lived and worked on farms, where everyone “worked at home.” Then there was the 1930s, where anyone who could find work would take it. In the 1940s, women “took men’s factory jobs,” but what that really means is that the pay and responsibility for women increased; women had been working in crappy factory jobs since the mills. The “every woman should want to stay home” myth was force fed to middle class white women to make them more complacent about giving up those better paying jobs. But women still wanted to be working.

      The point of all of this is that we have a picture in our minds of the “typical 1950s housewife,” but that image is more a media construct than a reflection of 1950s reality.

      Done being a history teacher now, and back to moonlighting as snarky internet commenter.

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:11 pm

      And I think that housewives didn’t judge each other by their kids but by how clean their floors were, how sparkling their windows, and how flaky their pie crusts. My grandmother always had a few passive-agressive “suggestions” for my mom about her housekeeping (which was really us kids’ housekeeping because my mom did not cook or clean once she had kids old enough to do it.)

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 9:03 am

      My three-year-old tells me I’m the “best mom” when I make her a PBJ served with a big glass of milk. That’s all the recognition I need. 😉

      But seriously – I think many women are participating in the “best mom” race not because they really think it’s in the best interest of their children, but because they feel they have something to prove to other women. That’s the part that is sad – our children don’t need a spotless home or a Pinterest birthday party to feel like they have an awesome mom. For most mothers, if they are just themselves, their kids would be just as pleased and proud of their moms.

    • Kelly

      June 19, 2014 at 10:12 am

      I can’t agree with that. I know that my grandmother was judged as a “whore” by the other moms in the neighborhood a little over 50 years ago because she had too many kids. She was married to my grandfather the whole time and they’re all his but the public opinion was she needed to keep her legs closed and stop burdening her husband with more children.

      Petty, mean bitches have been around a long time.

  4. Ursi

    June 18, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Shoutout for those with awesome MILs!

    I wish my mother were a lot more like my MIL. I’d never tell her that because I don’t have a death wish, but there it is.

    • jmuns79

      June 19, 2014 at 10:11 am

      My mother in law is a wonderful woman who treats me like a daughter. I’m so glad. My mom passed away when I was 19, and my MIL has really accepted me as part of the family. I’m very lucky to have her.

  5. LadybugG

    June 18, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    You sound like a completely insensitive, self-indulged b***h if you’re treating your mother that way. I completely feel for her: working mother whose daughter bonds with a MIL who has not worked a day in her life. I feel for her. You adoring her is one thing. You mentioning to your own mother is just completely poor taste. Take a few minutes to actually think about how good you DID have it and spend some time thanking your mom properly for it. Then quietly go about your bizarre worship of your MIL without her knowledge. Whether you like it or not, you’re love affair with your MIL is a slap in the face to your mom. Enjoy the rarity of having a great friendship with a MIL – but grow up and stop putting it in your mom’s face. She deserves that at the VERY LEAST.

    • samantha

      June 18, 2014 at 9:15 pm

      Wow, there’s so much wrong with this comment I don’t even know where to start…

    • Valerie

      June 18, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      You need to go away.

    • LadybugG

      June 18, 2014 at 10:09 pm

      As do you, you sanctimonious snob. I dearly hope you will know someday how it feels to have your own child minimize your contributions as a mother while at the same time singing the praises of their MIL. I’m sure you’ll all be totally fine and completely OK it. Oh, and “boo”? That’s just so clever and well-thought out. Thanks for the insightful response.

    • shhh

      June 19, 2014 at 10:03 am

      Well Valerie isn’t a total asshat so I’m doubtful her child will grow up thinking poorly of her. Also, she isn’t five years old so she probably wouldn’t get super defensive and jealous over her kid having a good relationship with their MIL. If anything, a parent should be THRILLED their kid got an amazing addition to their family instead of a monster-in-law.

    • Kelly

      June 19, 2014 at 10:17 am

      Which of my mother’s contributions should I be most grateful for? The time she put cigarettes out on my hand? The six years where she exclusively referred to me by the name bitch? Or the time she punished me by forcing me to watch her feed my cat to dogs?

      I wouldn’t want to minimize those contributions so tell me, how should I honor my saintly mother?

    • Maria Guido

      June 19, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      Oh, god. I’m so sorry you went through that. She lost. You’re a strong woman with strong opinions and a voice – so eff her. It didn’t work.

    • guest

      June 19, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      It sounds like your mother needs to be put down. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that monster.

    • Bethany Ramos

      June 18, 2014 at 9:43 pm

      BOO!

    • Theresa Edwards

      June 19, 2014 at 1:08 am

      BOO!

    • jane

      June 18, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      Theresa’s mom? Is that you?

      Well, this rant certainly doesn’t prove her point _at all_.

    • LadybugG

      June 18, 2014 at 10:26 pm

      How so? Please provide me with clear and accurate points on why that would be. Rather than the obvious sarcasm maybe you could actually make a case for your argument. Or should I just assume that all of you have obvious mommy issues and leave it at that. Maybe those of us who actually appreciated our mothers and don’t feel the need to shit on them while praising our MILs should stay out of this ……

    • Ltkinney

      June 19, 2014 at 2:07 pm

      Wow, you are so extremely hostile. I truly wonder if maybe you feel slightly bitter about having to work FT or maybe you get a lot of flack for it and are tired of it? Either way, attacking others is not the way to go about getting people to understand how hard you work. You’ll just get dismissed all that much more.

    • Shadow

      June 18, 2014 at 11:01 pm

      I will be checking back to see how this soap opera plays out…

    • Theresa Edwards

      June 19, 2014 at 1:00 am

      definitely not. too well spoken. but consider the insecurity point proved.

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm

      As a SAHM I take issue with your statement that the MIL “has not worked a day in her life.” That is BS.

    • LadyBugG

      June 18, 2014 at 11:20 pm

      Oh, Christ. So you are going to cherry pick my response to find the parts that insult you specifically? Get over yourself. My point is that the author degrades her own working mother that she grew up with and insults her by flaunting her relationship with her non (professional) working MIL. Can we have an actual discussion on THAT POINT? Instead of finding ways to get into a lather on things unrelated? And BTW: I am a working mom and I know how much SAHM moms work. Because I do ALL of that work SAHMs do PLUS the work of my FT career. So, believe me – I got it. No need to sing your own praises any further. It’s crystal clear.

    • noelle 02

      June 18, 2014 at 11:32 pm

      My guess is that the author’s issues with her mother have very little to do with working versus staying at home. I can’t imagine a child growing up in a household where mom works and seeing how great a struggle it is to balance work and family and how overworked mom is would grow up to think and speak negatively about her mom because she worked. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted as a homeschooling SAHM of three many times but I’d wager it is easier than working a full time job and then having the same insanity in the evenings that I face. Except when I am teaching Chemistry…Anyway, congrats on working hard to provide the best you can for your kids, just like every (good) mom tries to do, whatever side they fall on.

    • LadyBugG

      June 18, 2014 at 11:46 pm

      Thank you for a logical, honest and well-thought response to this. I’ve been checking in and waiting for one for two hours.

      The author does not give us a back story, so we are left to guess. And, in the absence of one, I find her bashing on her own mom, while praising the MIL, insensitive and off-base for the tone of the piece. That said, yes, I work my butt off as a working mom to provide the best I can for my kids, as I am sure you do, too. We do it in very different ways, but i think ultimately we accomplish the same things in the end. I hope some day when it is all said and done my children (and yours) will appreciate what we have put forward in their lives – unlike this author, for whatever reason.

      In general, I find this site a forum for very frequent put-downs, sarcasm (that is not all that clever) and insults about parenting choices -and I am just done with it. I am unfollowing now. If we want to end the Mommmy Wars, then the first place to start is NOT with passive aggressive pieces like this. The Mommy Wars do not end if you are putting down your own mother. That is not better than putting down others. The war ends when we can all say “peace” to one anothers’ choices – and that NEVER happens on this site.

      Good night, all. Good luck parenting your children – however you choose to do so. I hope you find lots of good guidance along your path – but not in toxic sites that constantly find fault with what certain groups or individuals are doing. Parenting is a bitch – our sources of parenting information should not be.

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      You know, if you had started your comments in a calm logical fashion, rather than with judgement and name-calling you might have received more replies in kind.

    • LadyBugG

      June 19, 2014 at 12:09 am

      And I feel I was responding in kind with the tone the article lays out. Please note, my initial comment is to the author. At no point do I make judgements or insulting comments toward mothers about parenting styles – or working mothers vs SAHM in my initial comments.

      The author states: ” I couldn’t talk to my own mom about this stuff because
      with her it was a race to the bottom to see who could win gold in the
      Shitty Life Olympics. I never won the gold. Usually, I never even
      placed.”

      What can i say other than reading that makes me feel horrible to the core for whoever this mother is. What a miserable thing to say about the person who raised you – regardless of whether she was a working mom or SAHM. How would you feel if your child grew to an adult, married and then bonded with his/her mother and law and then dismissed you as a bitter, misunderstanding parent? Again, as I said in another comment, perhaps this mother was abusive years ago and deserves the “vitriol.” But without context, how would we know? And without it, I give the mother the benefit of the doubt and find the author/daughter’s attitude disturbing and unappreciative of her mother.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 8:11 am

      Unfortunately, not every mother is wonderful, perfect, gentle, and sweet. Not every mother deserves appreciation or gratitude. I think we should just be happy that the author has found a mother figure that she identifies with and trusts with her feelings and experiences. A woman does not automatically deserve respect and adoration just because they birthed a child. The term “mom”has to be earned through actions – may the author’s mom wasn’t all that great to her.

    • keetakat

      June 19, 2014 at 8:21 am

      So much! I was thinking the same thing.

    • Rebecca R

      June 19, 2014 at 10:52 am

      I don’t entirely agree. A woman should be appreciated for giving birth, even if that is the only thing she ever did for her child.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 11:51 am

      Sooo…people who have neglectful/abusive/vindictive/just plain crazy mothers should be like, “Thanks for not having an abortion, Mom!” I don’t think Hallmark makes that card. Mothers (and fathers) are ordinary people and respect or appreciation for them must be earned one day at a time, just like with any other person in your life. My mother built that respect and appreciation over my lifetime by being considerate, loving, a disciplinarian (when necessary), and supportive. Other people don’t have the same experiences with their mother and are therefore allowed to feel however they want towards their mother (or father).

    • Rebecca R

      June 19, 2014 at 12:08 pm

      I’m not telling anyone how they should feel about their parents, only pointing out that the reason they have feelings is because they’re alive. Plenty of people with incredibly horrible parents go on to have meaningful, fulfilling lives, and for that to happen they had to be born. I have a very good friend whose biological mother had 8 children with 7 different fathers for the free medical care and gave them all up for adoption. It is a terrible reason to have children, but that hasn’t stopped my friend from being a wonderful person and she is thankful that her mother had her anyway.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      This is quickly going to turn into an abortion debate and I have no interest in discussing or arguing about that. I’m going to bow out at this point. Agree to disagree.

    • Alicia Kiner

      June 19, 2014 at 8:47 am

      How do you think it feels to actually HAVE that mother? And are these authors required to put a backstory or history for every personal article they write? These articles would be tremendously long if they did. Besides, we don’t need to know why she has the opinion she does. Some people are just crappy parents. I’m glad that you were lucky enough to not have crappy parents. Some of us aren’t that lucky.

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:33 pm

      Wow, you are very combative. I wasn’t “in a lather” merely pointing out that your statement was insensitive. Maybe that is the way the author’s mom sounds to her.

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:50 pm

      I assume that someone else cares for your child while you are work. That person does some of the SAHM work for you. I agree that moms (and dads) who work outside the home still have a lot of parenting work to do after they get home. I know that is challenging, but staying at home has challenges, too, especially financial ones. When people try to claim that their choice is the “better” or “harder” or “more worthy” decision it fuels the Mommy Wars when I believe women should be supporting rather than undermining each other.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 18, 2014 at 11:36 pm

      Mothers are not the end-all-be-all source of all that is good in a person’s life. The author clearly states that her own mother couldn’t relate to being a SAHM and even more than that…was a little dismissive of her daughter’s feelings. If someone is dismissing your feelings, especially at a vulnerable point in your life, you do not owe them anything.

    • LadyBugG

      June 18, 2014 at 11:58 pm

      Thanks. Yes, I think we interpreted it differently. My issue is specifically with this paragraph:

      “My mother worked,
      my MIL mostly stayed at home. You could hear the vitriol in my mom’s
      voice when she talked about the charmed life my MIL led, and if I told
      her that being at home wasn’t, in fact, all that and a bag of chips, I
      got shut down for not knowing how good I had it, lazy bon-bon eater that
      I was.”

      My response to that was that if it was upsetting to the author’s mom to hear about the daughter/ MIL’s close relationship, then the daugher should have some class and not even mention it to the mother in the first place. If her closeness with the MIL upsets her biological mother, then don’t bring it up at all. It seemed like a slap in the face to her mother, who I am assuming did the best she good.

      Perhaps the biological mother was emotionally or physically abusive. Perhaps there are other reasons why the author can’t get along with her and feels the need to insult her in this piece. But without any context, I have no idea. And without it, I am giving the mother the benefit of the doubt and the daughter’s attitude just seems dismissive, unappreciative and rude to me.

      Thanks you for your response and opinion on this. I find it all too difficult to engage in real discussion on this site anymore. If anyone posts a dissenting opinion on an article, one is immediately shouted down with sarcastic, useless comments like the previous remarks. Intelligent responses are appreciated.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 12:07 am

      I didn’t interpret that to be a judgment on the daughter’s relationship with her MIL but instead the mother’s own feelings regarding the choices she made in her life versus the ones the MIL made. Maybe the mother wishes she could have stayed at home with her kids, but circumstances did not allow. Either way, the issue seems to stem from working versus SAHM for the author’s mother and not with the relationship between the daughter and the MIL. The portion that you quoted places the onus on the mother – for chastising the life the MIL lead and then shutting down her daughter’s attempt to share the part of her SAHM life that aren’t so glamorous. I would be hurt, too, if I tried to open up to my mom about my life and she shut me down like that. And when the mother criticizes the MIL as a SAHM for doing nothing…in turn, she is also criticizing the daughter as a SAHM, and that probably hurts.

    • LadyBugG

      June 19, 2014 at 12:22 am

      I think it is interesting that your mind goes right to “maybe the mother wishes she could have stayed at home with her kids, but circumstances did not allow” as her reason for being bitter. I dearly wish non-working moms would realize there are a large number of working moms out there, enjoying work, kicking ass in their careers and who like to set the example of working mother in tandem with available,nurturing mother for future generations. These days, most of the career moms I know aren’t doing it bc they have no other option. They are doing it to lead by example and because they want to.

      Yeah, I think it’s fair to say I will agree to disagree on this. I still think the author should show more respect to her mother and not crap so publicly on her in the article.

      Thanks, again, for your response.

    • noelle 02

      June 19, 2014 at 1:54 am

      You know, this is one of the things I have been working hard at grasping recently. I personally cannot even begin to imagine choosing to work and not be with my kids the majority of the time. My SIL cannot begin to imagine why I use my teaching certification to teach my kids at home instead of being in a real school and making real money like she does. I’ve been a mom for nearly 12 years and I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that many women are happy to have kids and then spend minimally nine hours away from them five days a week. That sounds like hell to me. But my SIL cannot wait for school to start back up in August so she can go back to work and put the kids back in daycare. It seems to me that the stupid mommy wars would be put to rest when women recognize that we are different. What is important to me may not be important to you and THAT’S OK! But we all get so passionate about our choices that we can’t imagine why someone would want to do it differently. And the idea of a child looking at their mother who made a different parenting choice than what they wish to make and judging them can make anyone’s blood boil. I’m not sure that was the intent here, but I understand the response. Thanks for the reminder to never take for granted that all moms would want to be h

    • LadyBugG

      June 19, 2014 at 8:55 am

      Well, speaking for myself only (of course) it’s because I’ve always considered my career a living, breathing thing, too. An ongoing work in progress that will be with me throughout a long stretch of my life. It never occurred to me that the experience of motherhood would mean abandoning it completely for years in order to spend time exclusively raising my kids. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in my career and it makes me proud to know my children see me accomplishing things, enjoying a sense of independence, finding satisfaction in my work while also playing a constant, active and loving role in their lives.

      There are also a million other ways to do it besides the “drop them off for nine hours at a daycare” scenario you refer to – which is certainly not the situation here. There are flexible job arrangements, there is working part time in the younger years – both of which I do, and have done, in order to give both my career and my kids what they need. I’ve also worked hard and made strategic choices in that regard so I could both work and spend plenty of time with my children. It has not been without trade-offs. But to assume working moms are just dropping their kids off for the entire day to look after their careers is false in many, many cases.

    • noelle 02

      June 19, 2014 at 10:15 am

      I’m sorry if I implied all working moms do anything. There are many varieties of working moms including the work from home ones who I will always look at in awe and admiration because I can’t imagine how they do it! I had always assumed that moms worked out of necessity or tried to be home for as long as they could as much as they could. Both my SILs planned children with the intention of working full time and that was hard for me to understand and yet I wanted to be supportive. I discovered that they are quite common (Yeah, I know, I should have understood that already) and was specifically talking about my effort to understand that choice. The other parenting choices never fazed me which is why I didn’t talk about them.

    • NoMissCleo...JustMe

      June 19, 2014 at 8:07 am

      I only say that because she’s apparently so hateful to her daughter about a SAHM not doing a whole lot during the day. If you’re confident and content with your life choices, you’re probably not criticizing the choices of others. Insecurity breeds contempt and disdain.

      And your assumption that I’m a non-working mom is completely incorrect. I work – always have and always will. I work because I love my career, but I have no problem with other people making different choices – including my daughter and any future in-laws she might have.

    • SunnyD847

      June 19, 2014 at 9:39 am

      Why should she have to omit her relationship with her MIL from conversation to appease her mom? Growing up, I had to censor anything nice I might say about my dad and anything I did while I was with him because my mom would get mad and start talking trash about him. Even an innocent comment like “we saw that movie with dad” would set her off. It’s really not fair to expect people to walk on eggshells around you so as not to offend.

    • Ltkinney

      June 19, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      You must have missed this first portion of the article;

      “It felt good knowing that someone else had been through what I was going through, even if it was decades ago. I couldn’t talk to my own mom about this stuff because with her it was a race to the bottom to see who could win gold in the Shitty Life Olympics. I never won the gold. Usually, I never even placed.”
      Did this paragraph not give you a little insight into her relationship with her mom because I feel like that’s pretty clear.
      Also, why are you automatically so hateful towards this author? It’s an article online that I’m pretty sure no one made you read so why get so upset and judgemental?

    • Theresa Edwards

      June 19, 2014 at 1:05 am

      I’ll thank my foster mom, thanks for the suggestion. Should you run into my real mother, feel free to extend the gratitude you so clearly believe she deserves. Here’s a suggestion on phrasing:

      http://media.giphy.com/media/nhM7FiJRRaapG/giphy.gif

    • LadyBugG

      June 19, 2014 at 7:46 am

      It would have made a whole lot more sense 12 hours ago when the article went up if we had some context as to why your biological mother was such a witch. Without it, it just seems like someone crapping on her mother simply because she worked and you don’t. The picture is much clearer now. As I said before, perhaps the bio mom was emotionally and physical abusive, which would make your comment about her much more justified. It appears she was – or at the very east neglectful – if you ended up in foster care. To someone who does not have a bad relationship with her mother, it just seemed mean and petty. NOW I understand. Before I did not. Now that I know the background, the comments seem reasonable.

    • Theresa Edwards

      June 19, 2014 at 8:04 am

      I’ve written about it extensively. Beyond that, not everyone is you. But hey, thanks for calling a stranger a bitch.

    • LadyBugG

      June 19, 2014 at 9:05 am

      I see. So in order to understand any of your articles, one needs to have read and follow all of your writing? OK. Got it. If you’ve written about the background with your mother so extensively, why not include some the related links in the body of your story? Every link you inserted had no connection to YOUR situation and provided no context. But hey, obviously you’re too cool to heed any of these suggestions or criticism. Good luck with that writing career!!

    • Spongeworthy

      June 19, 2014 at 10:04 am

      You were the one who came here and right off the bat called the author a self-indulged bitch who needs to stop and think about how good she had and how she needs to thank her mom. You made those comments without any clue of how the author’s relationship with her mom was. Do you really need her entire life story to understand that not everyone has a wonderful mother? Were some of the things written in this article not enough context for you to realize that the author’s mom was not all sunshine and light? That maybe the mom was the cause of the strain in the relationship, and not the daughter? You have a good relationship with your mom, and that’s great. So do I. But just because I have a great mom, I’m not incapable of realizing–just from how this article is written, let alone other pieces Theresa has written–that not everyone does.

    • Kelly

      June 19, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Maybe you shouldn’t just assume all mothers are saints. It’s an ignorant, insensitive assumption that really hurts those of us who have been abused.

    • Ursi

      June 19, 2014 at 9:12 am

      You’re reading way too much into this article.

      My mother wasn’t negligent or abusive and I love her dearly but she’s not the role model my MIL is. I can’t look up to her in the same way as I look up to my MIL. Would my mother be hurt to know that? Absolutely. But guess what? I don’t rub it in her face and yet I don’t live for her comfort and approval. There’s more to my life than worrying about what Mom would like. Sometimes we find family as we grow up to fulfill needs that we didn’t have in childhood. If the author has a better relationship with her MIL then good for her. She’s found an older woman to give her something her mother cannot. The author’s own background is irrelevant. You don’t have to have terrible parents to find a better source of support in inlaws. Sometimes life works out that way depending on what you need at the time.

      I don’t see anything wrong with saying, “My parents couldn’t give me X but my inlaws give me X and my life is better for it.”

      She’s sharing an experience with us. Maybe you take it personally as a mother but why not take it in the spirit of appreciating that sometimes a mother-in-law can do more for us than a mother can and that can be a great blessing and source of support in one’s life. The more strong female role models a woman has, the better.

  6. LadybugG

    June 18, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Just reread this article and I stand by my previous comments even more. The author claims she will “not indulge in any of the passive-aggressive mommy wars” but yet this article is the definition of passive aggressive. She craps on her own working mother and sings the praises of her SAHM MIL. If that’s not making one group feel bad about their choices and parenting style I don’t know what is. This article – and the author’s treatment of her mother – are complete crap. Boo!! You need to go away. There is so much wrong with this article “I don’t even know where to begin.”

    • SunnyD847

      June 18, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      It sounds like the author’s mother is expressing negativity towards SAHMs, which her daughter currently is. That seems pretty insensitive. My mom always worked and I thought she would be disappointed in me for staying home and not using my degree anymore, but she told me she is proud of me for making the choice that I feel is best for my family. I think the author would like the same kind of support from her mom.
      I love my mom and my MIL, but my relationship with my mom is much more complicated and challenging because of our history.

  7. LadybugG

    June 18, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    And the related links make absolutely no sense in relation to the back story of this article. So how I am to know if the author’s working mom is the monster she would like us to believe she is? The links refer to other site authors’ work and I get nothing out of them. If you’re going to pimp out links to other content, at least be honest about where you are directing us. You give the impression you’re leading us to content related to the story of your horrible mother and sainted MIL. I got nothing out of any of them related to this scenario.

  8. KatharinaLafrance

    June 19, 2014 at 3:23 am

    Its common issue in the daily lifestyle for the fight between two mother .
    http://rippedrxno2blastfactscanada.com

  9. keetakat

    June 19, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Love the article, Theresa. I totally respect your position and it sounds like you really have some good reasons for making the choices you have… and by the way, I only read and comment on these articles, you have to write and edit them — that’s a job, too.

    I have a good number of friends who are at varying stages of mommyhood and are trying to figure it all out. One thing I hope they all do is ignore the pressure and judgment of the rest of us and make their decisions based on which pitfalls/benefits suit them and their family — because both choices have their share of each. I love my job. It’s what I have always — since I can remember — wanted to do but was incessantly badgered to forego because I “should want more” than to be a full time mother-teacher-referee-accountant-chauffeur-scheduling master-event planner-vet tech-pediatrician’s assistant-housekeeper-chef.

    We’re all working mothers.

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