I was very excited to decorate the nursery while pregnant with my first child. I pored over the Pottery Barn Kid's website and spent hours searching for every little thing. I do look back on this fondly as it was a very innocent time for me as a parent- before I found out how all those things that I had so carefully thought over and worried about would soon be covered in puke, shit, spit-up and breast milk. I was relieved though, because as much time as I had spent, I had also tried to at least be practical and made sure that most elements of the room were child-friendly and safe. The room has transitioned well with my daughter as she has gotten older and there was not a lot I had to change as she became mobile.
It is quite apparent, however, that not all moms-to-be think that way. Fancy nurseries are big business and many parents see them as an extension of the rest of their well-heeled home and would rather drop dead than have bright baby patterns and child-safe elements in a room as they don't really reflect their style. And I suppose I get it- the baby doesn't know any better so you may as well decorate to your heart's content but the fact is, your baby will eventually be a child and children like things meant for them. They will not appreciate the $400 ottoman made of white minky covering that you commissioned from a local furniture designer. They will give exactly zero shits about that fancy crib bedding you had made with custom fabrics that took weeks to select. They will laugh in the face of the elaborate wall art you've hung above the crib as they rip it down once they learn to pull up. It will be a graphic first lesson in how kid's take your dreams and literally shred them to bits!
Finding these kinds of nurseries is as simple as a Pinterest search but since I love you all, I've assembled the best examples for you. You're welcome. Here are 10 nurseries not meant for babies:
1. Someday, those froufrou, satiny tassels will make a great sensory experience as your baby tears them apart silently while you think she is napping.
Lushome via Pinterest
2. There may come a morning where you go in to retrieve your baby from their crib and they are buried in paper pom poms that fell from the ceiling. Or they will just fill up with dust and snow down on your baby every now and then. That shit will be so whimsical.
Etsy via Pinterest
3. One day, when she is unsupervised in her crib, young Kate will decide to tear one of those embroidery hoops off the wall and bust her head through the fabric so artfully stretched across it. Hopefully, she picks one of the bigger ones so her head won't get stuck!!!
Erica Brower Photography via Pinterest
4. Ask any child-proofing expert- it's only good sense to butt a piece of furniture (and a giant lamp) right up to the crib so once your baby is mobile she will have a way to escape. Fire up that video monitor- you're going to need it!
Babble via Pinterest
5. I'm sure a baby would never get curious about these glowing spheres totally within her reach. They are a GREAT idea.
Charlotte L. via Pinterest
6. It is a little known fact about babies that they love for everything to be the color of oatmeal. Oh, and hanging curtains around the crib is always smart so the baby can have her very own Tarzan moment. Me, baby. You, dumb.
cdn.homeedit.com via Pinterest
7. This one combines the color of oatmeal with a freaky-assed life-like giraffe that can creepily peep into their crib all night. This won't ever give your baby nightmares, I promise.
8. This one combines many elements- crib curtains for scaling, fancy white chairs that will have spit-up and shit stains in no time and the omnipresent giraffe to watch over your offspring.
stylemepretty.com via Pinterest
9. All babies need a circular platform surrounding their crib so they can practice their balance-beam moves and most importantly, escape the crazy parents that thought it was a great idea to do this.
10. This room is just asking for a post-nap shit smearing. Again, be glued to your video monitor!
You can reach this post’s author, Valerie Williams, on Twitter or via e-mail at email@example.com