motherhood

Why My Kids Won’t Be Coming To Your Kid’s Birthday Party

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Kid's birthday partyMy kids are no longer going to any birthday parties. That’s it. With class-wide invitations and twins in two separate classrooms, last year I received invites to somewhere between 40 and 500,000,000 birthday parties. I tried to keep up in the beginning, but now I say, no more.

For the first couple of months of school, I would tell the kids about every Evite that ended up in my inbox. “Oh look! Matador has invited you to his birthday party! Do you want to go?” In case you were wondering, no kindergartener ever says no to a birthday party. So I would reply yes, and then spend a half hour or so explaining to the other twin that they weren’t invited to Matador’s party because Matador doesn’t know them. This rarely went well.

Then it’s time to go shopping for a gift. Shopping for a gift for a five-year-old I have never met is one of the most emotionally taxing experiences I’ve ever had. I never had any clue what this kid was into or what his parents approved of (bless every parent who includes a list of things their kid likes on the invitation), and certainly my child, a.k.a. Matador’s super best friend, had no idea what he liked either. We would spend an hour wandering around the toy section while my child compiled their Christmas list, and I searched for a benign and almost-sure-to-please gift.

When party day came along, I would realize that I had no idea if I was supposed to stay for this shebang or not. Do I just drop my kid off and come back in an hour and a half? Or do I pretend to be social and make small talk with the other parents? And sometimes, there’s the “you don’t have to stay but you can if you want to” thing which then makes me feel like an asshole, because of course I don’t want to stay but I also don’t want to look like I’m unfriendly and desperate to get away from my kid for a little bit, both of which I unfortunately am.

After the party comes the time when we get our mini bag of crap to take home. I appreciate the effort that goes into these bags, I really do. And I get that a lot of parents do it because that’s what all the other parents have done. But after a few birthday parties you start to assemble quite the bounty of tiny plastic toys around the house. And for the love of all that is quiet and holy, please don’t give me kid a whistle. That’s just mean.

A few months into last year, when we had already gone to five or six parties and were getting invitations to new ones every weekend, I just decided no. I’m out. Unless our kids are way close, I am going to say thank you for the invitation, but we will be unable to attend. I tell the kids, “Kids, you got invited to Calisthenic’s party, but unfortunately we already have a thing that weekend. A thing. I said a thing now stop asking questions.”

This year my twins are in the same classroom, which should cut down the number of birthday parties significantly. I’m not sure how many we’ll go to this year, but it looks like half of their class was born in January. I’m going to pray for a blizzard that settles over my house, leaving me unable to dig out for the entire month except to send the kids back to school. It’s going to be a weird weather pattern, but I think I can sell it.

(Photo: Pressmaster / Shutterstock)

72 Comments

  1. Valerie

    September 30, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    I’m so with you. Inviting the whole class is sadly required at our school so as not to leave anyone out so we get plenty of invites too. Unless it’s someone I know they are friends with, I say no. My weekends are precious and so are my dolla bills y’all.

    • C.J.

      September 30, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      I never agreed with the you have to invite the whole class thing and I’m glad my kid’s school doesn’t have that rule. When the kids were small the teachers just asked that you send the invitation in to the teacher and they would put them in the kid’s agendas. No one’s feelings were hurt and we never had to invite the mean kid or the kid that has the parent that drives you crazy. Now they just hand the invites out in the yard before school or call their friends to invite them.

    • squib

      September 30, 2014 at 7:31 pm

      That rule only means if you’re handing out invites at school, right? More power to any parent that can handle the whole freaking class, but no thank you. And sometimes those invites get, um, lost. Before the kid remembers they exist. Or is that just at my house? (I always RSVP, though!)

      I always told the kids they could invite as many friends as their age (and as soon as the numbers got near double digits, helpfully suggested a small sleepover instead), and snail-mailed the invites or directly emailed parents.

    • alexesq33

      October 1, 2014 at 7:32 am

      Great point – depending on where you live, this could be anywhere between 10 and probably 35-40 kids.. No freaking way that would fly at my house.

    • Marisa Quinn-Haisu

      September 30, 2014 at 8:17 pm

      Since when should schools have to have a say in how many kids can be invited to another kid’s party? I hate whole class invitations. I mean what’s going to happen if the school gets wind that you’ve only invited your child’s actual friends? What can they do to stop you? Kids need to learn how to handle rejection. Yeah it’d be nice if everyone could be friends but it’s not going to happen. It’s not bullying to not invite the whole class.

    • Ro

      September 30, 2014 at 11:24 pm

      I couldn’t agree more. I second your entire comment.

    • SarahJesness

      October 1, 2014 at 1:23 am

      At my elementary school, you only had to invite the whole class if you were giving out the invitations publicly. (as in, you go up to the front of the class and say “I’m having a party!” and then passing out the invites) If you weren’t inviting everyone, you could still do it at recess or something. A reasonable and fair rule, in my view.

      I think schools today only apply the invite rule if the invitations are passed out at school, whether or not it’s done publicly. I’ve never heard of a school getting a parent/kid in trouble for inviting only some members of the class but doing it through email or something.

    • Ezzy666

      October 1, 2014 at 2:17 am

      I used to to just throw the invitations into the backpacks of the kids who were invited when kids would show up with invitations. The once I sent back home were the blank ones parents sent with a note saying “please fill one out for each of little Johnnies/Janes friends.” I don’t recall a rule about having to invite everybody. Whats next inviting everyone in the grade level? There was a birthday about 10 years ago where every girl in that second grade class was invited to party that involved limo pick up, build a bear, some cirque show, dinner at some super-expensive hard to get into restaurant, penthouse suite slumber party and the list went on.

    • Sarahstired

      October 1, 2014 at 11:09 am

      This is our rule too and I understand it. I wouldn’t like being in a situation where everyone was invited but me. And it’s not like it is hard to email or mail the invites, you get a class list at the beginning of the year w/ contact info.

    • Personal

      October 1, 2014 at 2:41 am

      Of course that’s not the case. You are allowed to invite anyone you like on your own time but your kid isn’t allowed to walk around the classroom giving out invitations to only the most popular 60% of the class and walk smugly by little Alex, who is sitting there sweating and praying and hoping that TODAY will be different.
      Here in Germany we don’t have this rule. I am the only mom who DOES invite all the girls in the class. And this year, one little boy burst into tears and I felt like shit.

    • Marisa Quinn-Haisu

      October 1, 2014 at 2:47 am

      I’m sorry but if we wrap our kids in cotton wool and raise them to believe they are a special snowflake and that everyone is going to be their friend they are going to get a harsh wake up call when they enter adulthood. Growing up I would have hated the idea of inviting the whole class to my birthday parties because why would I want kids there who were not my friends? Inviting the whole class is political correctness gone mad. We are so panicked about stopping bullying we have lost all sense. A child should invite their friend’s to the party and that’s it. It should be up to THEM who comes because it’s their party.

    • chill

      October 1, 2014 at 6:24 am

      I think Personal’s point is that if you issue invitations at school, then you need to invite everyone, but if you send out invitations on your own, you can invite only those that you want.

    • Em

      October 1, 2014 at 9:00 am

      What’s next- assigned dates for Homecoming and Prom lest anyone not be asked?

    • Personal

      October 1, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Thank you. That is exactly what I meant. If you are using school time to give out invitations, it certainly is up to the school how you do it. If you’re using the US Postal Service, you can invite anyone you want.

    • Em

      October 1, 2014 at 8:02 am

      Exactly. I was never one of the popular kids who got invites to everything. So what? It was worse when I WAS invited to one where I was not REALLY wanted.
      Now that I have had my own kids, there have been some kids that just ooze trouble- kids my kids were not permitted to associate with, much less invite into our home.
      So we always went with 3 or 4 close friends and family, family friends for our parties. Rollicking good times too.

    • Ursi

      October 1, 2014 at 9:15 am

      I agree with you.

      In fact, I was once the only child in a class not invited to a popular girl’s birthday party. She didn’t hand out invites in front of me or anything but kids talk and it became clear that everyone was going to a party that weekend except me because I wasn’t much liked. And it was awful. And I was 7. And I got over it and it doesn’t keep me up at night or anything. It’s not the end of the world to be excluded.

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 11:10 am

      I don’t like it either. I was left out of some parties as a kid, I got over it. You learn to deal with disappointment, it’s part of growing up. The kids things do to each other ON SCHOOL TIME are so much worse, I don’t get why schools single this one thing out.

    • Jill Loutas

      October 1, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      I distinctly remember not being invited to a pool party birthday when I was a kid and it hurt, man! The only thing worse than not being invited would have been going and knowing that that group of kids didn’t want me there.

    • hdonovan

      October 1, 2014 at 10:36 pm

      AMEN. If schools want to prevent selective invitation being handed out at school I get it. However, schools have no say in what goes on at home. I was not “Miss popularity” myself and was (and still am) an introvert. I would have detested having to invite all my class. Just avoid being douche-parents who let your your kids to be nasty and leave out only 2 or 3 kids.

    • Blueathena623

      September 30, 2014 at 9:08 pm

      My god. I was in 3rd grade before kids were required to give every classmate a valentine. I can’t imagine having to invite a whole class. What if your kid has friends in other classes too?

    • LP225

      September 30, 2014 at 10:48 pm

      You don’t have to invite the whole class as long as you don’t give out the invites in class. If you contact everyone outside of school, you’re good to go.

    • alexesq33

      October 1, 2014 at 7:35 am

      Ugh I hate the whole valentine thing. Not for older grades, but I feel like up to age oh, I don’t know, 12ish – at least junior high – this is not something kids need to be sending at school. Just give all the little ones valentines from the teacher.

      ETA: no, i’m not naïve – I know they probably “understand” and actually feel romantic feelings before 12 years old, but I don’t think it needs to be something that they express through valentines through the school. really ever, ideally.

    • KaeTay

      October 1, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      I only cared about the heart sucker attached to them.

  2. sweetgotham

    September 30, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I want the name Matador to be a thing that happens.

    • LA Face, Oakland Booty (and

      September 30, 2014 at 6:46 pm

      At my daughter’s middle school we had an Odin and a Messiah. Talk about big shoes to fill.

    • Rachel Sea

      September 30, 2014 at 7:16 pm

      My friend named his oldest kid Loki, because he likes to live dangerously.

    • Ezzy666

      October 1, 2014 at 2:22 am

      It doesn’t count unless he also gave him the full name and added “of asgard”

    • TheQuirkyDiva

      October 1, 2014 at 7:04 pm

      Way to burden a kid…WITH GLORIOUS PURPOSE…

    • Guest

      October 1, 2014 at 7:03 pm

      Way to burden a kid…WITH GLORIOUS PURPOSE.

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 9:27 pm

      I hope it isn’t Garfield Middle School…poor Odin!

    • Ezzy666

      October 1, 2014 at 2:20 am

      Everyone was freaking out when I got a Malachai on my class list. So I decided to watch the Children of the corn, Malchai wasn’t all the bad. (in the movie, and the kid that finally showed up)

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      It’s better than the Maliki in my son’s class. I just can’t not say Ma-leaky.

    • JulesInNC

      October 1, 2014 at 10:49 am

      $10 there are two of them in some Brooklyn classroom.

    • Her Vajesty

      October 1, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      I laughed way too hard at Matador

  3. jendra_berri

    September 30, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    Inviting the whole class sounds great in theory, but that means what? 25 birthday invitations each year?
    You also got to feel for parents who can’t afford to throw a party that invites that many children. I know I don’t have that kind of space either, regardless of budgetary constraints. So then what? No party at all? Or only non-schoolmate invitees? Come on.
    Banning invitations from being handed out in front of other kids on school grounds is fine, but a school should not poke their nose into the parties held in people’s private homes.
    The above is just one of the foolish byproducts of this sort of micromanagement.

    • SunnyD847

      September 30, 2014 at 10:25 pm

      We invited the whole class when they were young, but usually only the kids who they were friends with came. By 3rd grade we knew everyone well enough to contact them directly so nothing had to go to school and they invited the kids they wanted to. The lower grades were capped at 18, so that helped.

    • alexesq33

      October 1, 2014 at 7:42 am

      THIS! I don’t have the money, space, or frankly the help to watch and ensure the safety of 20+ kids. Will not be happening. Family parties until school and then I guess I’ll have to get involved and know who the really close friends are. cross that bridge when I get to it I guess…

  4. Andrea

    September 30, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    I hate the invite everyone rule and I regularly circumvented it. I just sent evites or mailed them to the kids home. That’s a stupid rule and I am not about to invite 25-30 kids to a birthday party.
    And I am pretty sure no one else followed it either because we never got more than 5 or so invites a year.

  5. Greta Young

    September 30, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Okay, this is a really stupid question — but how does a 5 year old get an evite? Do classrooms routinely publish a contact sheet for everyone’s parents or something? (I haven’t experienced this in the daycare/preschool setting; at least, not yet.) Or do I have to actually physically make contact with the people who I assume are the parents of my kid’s possible friends, introduce myself in horribly-awkward fashion, and then ask for contact information so I can spam them with evites they decline?

    • Tisa Berry

      September 30, 2014 at 8:36 pm

      Her kids’ school could possibly have a class directory with updated emails. It seems that they get evites quite regularly and that’s the only thing I can think of.

    • Andrea

      September 30, 2014 at 9:27 pm

      My preschool had a directory (you had to agree to opt in, most people did) that was handed out at the beginning of the year.
      My elementary school also puts out a directory.

  6. Allthingsblue

    September 30, 2014 at 9:28 pm

    My kids’ school will mail select invites if given to the office, otherwise it is a whole class thing (although I think you can do all boys or all girls). I’ve been to a few and set a budget at $10 max. I let my kid pick the gift and don’t give a fuck if the bday kid/parent likes it or not. I include a gift receipt. It’s always from target, so not too worried.

  7. CrushLi7ly

    September 30, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    So what age is the generally accepted age you can dump the kid at the party and leave? Asking for a friend…

    • personal

      October 1, 2014 at 2:43 am

      5 here in our community

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Three. For real. Maybe it’s just because we were in a small town and everyone had tons of land for kids to run around on. I was expecting to stay, but all the other parents dropped and ran, and mom was like “see you at 3:00!” so I was like “Cool, free babysitting!”

  8. gammachris

    October 1, 2014 at 3:13 am

    Matador. LMAO

    • LotteryTicketRetirementPlan

      October 1, 2014 at 8:34 am

      And Calisthenic! I think STFU Parents named these kids.

    • Jem

      October 1, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      those names were the best part of this whole article.

  9. Rowan

    October 1, 2014 at 5:04 am

    Party bags are the bane of my life. As if the kids aren’t hyper enough, they leave with a bag of sweeties to inhale on the journey home. Then there’s the piece of cake which the kid will take one bite out of, re-wrap then leave to fester somewhere. And the endless tide of crappy plastic toys.

    When I was a kid, we’d get a bit of cake wrapped in a paper napkin and, if we were really lucky, a balloon.

  10. koolchicken

    October 1, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Sorry, but if someone actually sent a list of “interests” on the invite so I’d know what to buy, I’d RSVP no the second after I saw it. How incredibly rude and presumptuous.

    When it comes time for my kid this will be simple. He will not attend the parties of kids he’s not friends with. I will also not be hosting any large parties. He’ll get to pick a couple of friends and he will treat those children to a day of fun. Perhaps a trip to a museum or to go see a movie. Because birthdays should not be about getting as much stuff out of strangers as you can. They should be about spending time with those you care about as you celebrate another year of being in each other’s lives.

    And there will be no goody bags. Not every occasion requires presents for everyone.

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 11:13 am

      Right. If my kid doesn’t know your kid well enough to know what his interests are, you probably shouldn’t invite him.

    • koolchicken

      October 2, 2014 at 10:48 am

      Exactly, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just can’t get behind the idea of forced friendships or gift grabs, and I think that’s what some of these parties are.

  11. Behappy!

    October 1, 2014 at 8:36 am

    I say you should be happy your kids are getting invited. I used to live in a little town where everyone was related to everyone sort of thing. As an outsider no one gave a shit about me or my kids. My oldest spent two years there (K and 1st) and my second did pre-school. 3 times we sent out invites (to the whole class, even though it wasn’t mandatory) and 3 times I had only one or two kids come. One party was so bad the only kids that came where his teachers 4 little girls who I basically begged her to bring. Never once got an invite. Thank god they are at a new school and are making friends everywhere!

    • KatDuck

      October 1, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      That sucks. 🙁 DH is from a small, insular town and I literally got passed over in line by the cashier when I was trying to buy coffee because they didn’t know me. Knew the person behind me, apparently, and certainly knew a random other person shopping from all they were chatting about, but not me. Course once I name-dropped that I was the local sheriff’s DIL, suddenly people were falling over themselves to help. It did not improve my feelings.

      So glad that your little ones have found a better school and, if nothing else, I hope you can make some lemonade out of it by reminding them how much it hurts when others are cliquish.

  12. Cindy Ailey

    October 1, 2014 at 8:48 am

    My go to gift for kids now is always either cash. If it’s a kid I really like, I give $20 or more, for kids I don’t know very well $10 or $15. MOST kids have so much plastic junk, anything new is just going to get lost in the shuffle. I like to think the parents are putting the cash into their child’s savings account or piggy bank or something. Bonus! I don’t have to go shopping.

    Sometimes I put together a little gift bag of coloring books, puzzles, picture books – depends on if the kid is family or not. Boring yes, but practical and easy.

  13. NIGHTHAVEN

    October 1, 2014 at 8:52 am

    when growing up I had 1-2 friends out of classes that where size 25-40…. I am glad this damn stupid rule of inviting the entire fucking class didn’t exsist! I was picked on HORRIBLY… I remember well the time I thought I should invite others they tore up my invites and made fun of me. those who did come made fun of me at my party even though parents tried to stop them. Oh Johnny thats not nice…..I also lived 30-40 mins from my friends out in the country in a small town that still consists of less than 500 people so besides calling my 2 friends getting an invite was easist at school usually at recess (ON MY OWN TIME) is how I would describe that to a school now adays.
    ALSO I am sorry but NO I DO NOT AS A PARENT want to fucking HOST 25 fucking kids who are snowflakes and you can’t disapline. Also my Ex bestie was one of those stay at home moms who make those gift bags and “out did herself” giving herself ulsers because they wern’t good enough and what were the OTHER PARENTS going to think. She didn’t like my response of WHO THE FUCK CARES?
    And who has the MONEY for all these gifts? gifts are NOT cheap. Screw this!

  14. Obladi Oblada

    October 1, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Matador and Calisthenic. I think I’ve met those kids.
    Well done.

  15. JulesInNC

    October 1, 2014 at 10:52 am

    My daughter is 3, and I’m dreading the whole gift nonsense. I LOVE choosing special gifts for people I love, but I get anxiety at the idea of getting a mound of crap at each birthday (and the subsequent thank you notes). This year we made her party “no gifts,” because we could still get away with it. She got plenty of things from us and family.

  16. brebay

    October 1, 2014 at 10:57 am

    I haven’t done birthday parties in forever either. My kids always chose a trip instead, an option I offered after a particularly heinous 5-year-old party. This is the first year my oldest is having a “kind-of” party; just taking him and 3 friends to Dave & Busters.

  17. K

    October 1, 2014 at 11:50 am

    I find birthday parties annoying and they do take too much time away from our family (we have 3 kids). So, hearing that the whole class has to be invited always makes me think of how many weekend days will be taken away from our family over the course of they ear. We say no often.
    HOWEVER, in this case hearing the argument that kids need to learn to deal with rejection is really unsettling to me. There is so much that goes on at school that is really hurtful to kids and I do think they get to learn to deal with rejection. Emailing parents with birthday party invites is a reasonable way to avoid inviting the whole class, but the other part is to spend some time talking to your child about other people’s feelings. My kids do not invite the whole class, but I do discuss often how it makes other kids feel if you are talking about parties in front of them when they are not invited. I do not think my kids are perfect, and I’m sure that they do hurt other people’s feelings sometimes whether it’s on purpose or not.
    My point really is that it bothers me that our only reaction to inviting the whole class becomes “you can’t tell me what to do!” instead of considering how you can make this an easier thing for the teachers and other students. We are parents to teach our children how to navigate the world. Teaching them empathy and good manners is a part of it, especially when it’s a party that you are also hosting. This isn’t just playground stuff that they largely need figure out on their own.

    • Nire

      October 8, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      This so much! It is basic etiquette that you should not talk about parties in front of people who could be invited (or could have been invited) but are/were not. Why would parents not want to start teaching their kids this?

      I’m going to out on a limb and say, that the child who is taught that they don’t need to follow etiquette rules or consider other people’s feelings when issuing an invitation is more of a special snowflake than the child who just wants to not be excluded.

      I don’t think children should be forced to invite everyone in their class, but I see nothing wrong with the school saying, “you aren’t going to spend class time handing out invitations to only certain children.” Frankly, I don’t think school time should be spent issuing invitations to parties anyway, but that’s a different discussion. The school has basically been forced to enforce rules of etiquette because some (not all) parent’s haven’t bothered to teach their children how to issue a proper invitation (and I get that children are children, and they are not the best at being discrete, but that doesn’t mean parent’s shouldn’t try.)

  18. KaeTay

    October 1, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    see I only remember having one bday party where classmates were there and I was actually friends with everyone there. SOMEHOW my mom knew who I talked to. It was around like 8 kids total.

    P.S if you have any questions about a party.. those invitations have phone numbers on them.

    • brebay

      October 1, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      My mom always let us invite 8, because that was how many invitations came in a pack.

  19. Jem

    October 1, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    I hate when people send a list of demands for what to buy their children. It’s so rude. If you don’t know the kid, is it so hard to buy something generic? A book, bubbles, a jump rope, marbles, Uno (or other games?), heck even hot wheels cars or a set of beads and string seem like a fair bet.

    Also, I’m surprised that everyone who gets invited shows up, therefore making it a huge party. In my experience a bunch of people RSVP and then don’t show at the last second and birthday parties are a waste of time and money because you prepare for a bunch, spend money and then no one comes.

    And Matador and Calsithenic were my favorite part of this article, hands down.

  20. Courtney Lynn

    October 1, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    I HAAAAAATE going to kid’s birthday parties most of the time. It’s not that I don’t like my friends who are throwing it. Or that I don’t want my kids to have fun. It’s because I have 2 toddlers that are ages 13 months and almost 2.5. My 13 month old just started walking so guess what this has meant at every party, yes, that I’ve had to carry her around most of the time and keep an eye on her brother. Sure, sometimes people offer to hold her, but most of the time, it’s me. Also, most of the time, I don’t know many other people, if any besides my friend throwing the party. I’m introverted, I don’t just walk up to people and I’m not going to start now. Kid birthdays are a huge pain for me right now. I didn’t do one for my daughter turning one, either. I planned an outing and invited people to meet up. Much less stress that way!

  21. SA

    October 1, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    I have no problem saying no, we are busy. I also don’t have a problem buy some cheap art supplies and calling it a day if I do not know the kid well or don’t have a lot of money.

    I do understand the ‘invite the whole class thing’ if the invitations are being handed out at school. Class time shouldn’t be spent on handing out invitations especially if it excludes others in the class. I wouldn’t walk around my office or in front of my friends handing out invites to only certain people and excluding others who were standing there. Discretion is also an important lesson to be learned. If you only want to invite a couple of kids it is easy enough to track down their parents.

  22. KatDuck

    October 1, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    *snobbily* Well, *I* always made sure to invite EVERYONE in my entire SCHOOL and they all showed up.

    I was home schooled. My brother enjoyed the parties.

  23. Her Vajesty

    October 1, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Kids’ birthday parties would be so much better if parents supplied booze.

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  25. persnicketythecat

    October 17, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Don’t tell him there’s going to be a party in the first place if you can help it! You should let him attend some though, it’s a good chance to socialize and be a kid. I miss being invited to birthdays…

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