Parents Need To Stop Freaking Out About Pot Candy And Just Use The Eyes In Their Heads

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Pot-laced gummy bears versus non-potFollowing the tradition of the old “razor blade in the apple” myth of my childhood, parents in Denver are losing their minds over pot-laced gummy bears that also happen to exist. There are also pot-laced apples, peanut butter cups, and other types of candy. Luckily, we all have two fail-safe methods of detecting the drugged up candy. I call them: eyes and common sense.

When was the last time you took your kid trick or treating, and somebody opened their door and dumped handfuls of loose gummy bears into your kid’s bag? Or perhaps a candy that looks like Pixie Stix but is labelled Stixx and comes with a label that says, “50mg THC” on it? You might consider those warning signs. Don’t eat loose gummy bears, and THC means pot. Now off you go.

Here are some other signs that your child’s candy has marijuana in it:

  • It has the word “medicinal” on it.
  • It has Satvia, or Indica on the label. Those are not new types of artificial sweeteners.
  • It’s a chocolate bar called “Hashey’s,” not “Hershey’s”
  • Other red-alert words are: “cannabis,” “dose,” and “potent.”

See? This really isn’t that hard.

Parents, please stop freaking out about this. Unless you let your kid have loose, unwrapped candy, or let them eat brands of candy that you have never heard of without employing a little bit of Google, they’re going to be fine. The Denver police, however, are warning parents to be cautious. Says the Daily News:

Activists and the police say the main risk to children at Halloween is that they may stumble across pot edibles by accident and mistake them for regular candy, not that they will have been given them maliciously while out trick-or-treating.

I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with this problem of children just “stumbling across” candy on Halloween that hasn’t been given to them while trick or treating. Let’s go back to the Eyes and Common Sense Plan (ECSP and I am going to trademark this shit). If your child “stumbles across” some candy lying in the bushes on Halloween or any other day, they should not eat it. If you see a big bucket on the corner with a sign stuck in it that says, “Free Candy,” you should not allow your kids to take any of it. Discovering accidental candy on Halloween is like propositioning a hooker in front of a whore house – why would you go with an unknown element when it’s getting doled out left and right in a controlled environment? That’s just foolishness.

We all buy the same bags of candy from the grocery store, anyway. The only times my kids have gotten anything I didn’t recognize is when they get some kind of organic, sugar and gluten free nonsense. And guess what? I don’t let them eat that stuff, either. Now let’s go get our candy on and get stupid high on Twix.

(Photo: Twitter)


  1. Rachel Sea

    October 17, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Ain’t no one handing out their stash to trick-or-treaters, that shit’s expensive, and too easy to trace. If any little kids get accidentally high this Halloween it will be because their parents poisoned them for attention, or their visiting druncle is too incompetent with his snacks.

    • Airbones

      October 17, 2014 at 5:19 pm

      What she said.

    • Ursi

      October 17, 2014 at 6:05 pm

      SERIOUSLY. Whose going to waste the good stuff? That’s like tossing godiva truffles at trick-or-treaters.

    • Bonnie_Coronado

      October 17, 2014 at 8:06 pm

      My last pay > http://JamboJobsSpot$$$….

      {Go to next link in this site}

    • Moliss

      October 17, 2014 at 6:26 pm

      Should have scrolled down before I commented. Lol. Ditto. No one is giving that ish away.

    • M.

      October 17, 2014 at 7:53 pm

      My thoughts exactly.

    • Allyson_et_al

      October 18, 2014 at 6:14 pm

      Totally snorfled at druncle! When I was about 2, my druncle was babysitting me, and got me plastered on strawberry daiquiris. Needless to say, he never babysat again.

    • Rachel Sea

      October 20, 2014 at 12:46 pm

      The best thing about the word druncle is that everyone instantly knows what it means, and almost everyone has a druncle story.

    • wmdkitty

      October 19, 2014 at 2:44 am

      Yeah, dude, no ‘head is going to waste their stash on kids.

      Also: LOL @ “druncle”.

  2. Greta Young

    October 17, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    I know zero stoners with the budget to hand those things out to hundreds of trick or treaters.

  3. C.J.

    October 17, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Sorry people but your kid is just not that special that someone is going to give their pot away to them.

  4. noodlestein's danger tits

    October 17, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Plus, all you have to do is use your nose. These products smell REALLY earthy. So I’ve heard.

  5. Moliss

    October 17, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Ok…I would like to know who in the heck is spending money on edibles and then giving them out willy-nilly to random children? Anyone? WHY WOULD ANYONE GIVE THAT AWAY.

  6. Mehra Sarethi's new acct.

    October 17, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Damn it I wish I lived in Colorado right now!

  7. Ezzy666

    October 17, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Stoners have to turn off their lights and hide b/c the candy they do buy to hand out mysteriously disappears before Halloween.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      October 17, 2014 at 10:23 pm

      Actually, if you’re doing it right, you’re eating all your candies early enough that you can never quite manage to get off the couch and turn the lights on in the first place!

  8. mycandy

    October 17, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Like I am going to share my stash with little brats. I may offer a little bit to the stressed mom or dad with three kids who keep insisting “one more block” though 😉

  9. Sauce

    October 17, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Oh God. I live in Denver and I saw this on the local news last night. I laughed and laughed.

    Parents who are worried about this should maybe buy themselves some of those gummy bears.

  10. Ashley

    October 17, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    I live in Oregon, where a legalization campaign is currently underway, and this is seriously one of the main arguments the No campaign is using. And they are using it HARD. We received a flyer in the mail with a collage of pot-pun food labels (hilarious) with a very “THINK OF THE CHILDREN” message.

  11. NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

    October 17, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    Um. Nobody here in Denver is going to give out pot-laced anything on Halloween, because 1) they’re REALLY frickin’ expensive and would be totally wasted on the unrefined, chicken-nuggets-and-hamburgers-ONLY palates, and 2) we know that little kids pretty much act like they’re on drugs all the time anyway. Some of us are taking drugs to try and attain that level of balls-out DGAF! It would be totally unfair to give those who already have a leg up an added advantage!

  12. chippythehero

    October 17, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    Clearly I need to start trick or treating in Denver.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      October 17, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      The problem with that strategy is that those of us who have pot candies on hand will have already dipped into our stashes by the time trick-or-treating starts and will be too stoned to answer the door.

  13. BexleyS

    October 18, 2014 at 1:21 am

    Pot? That’s nothing, a couple if years ago in the UK, a guy gave a trick or treater a bag of heroin by accident in with a load of sweets! The kid got home and questioned his mum about his exciting new sweets. I’m guessing the guy is now in prison. Who the hell keeps their heroin with the kids sweets!?!

  14. Cameron

    October 18, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    At least in Washington a single chocolate bar is about $50. And they’re stinky. No way is someone going to give these out or leave them laying around when they can go to the grocery store and buy 5 pounds of mini butterfingers for $10.
    I can see someone leaving one in their purse and a stupid and ill-mannered child stealing it, but that’s why cops come into 1st grade classes and teach children to ask before eating candy that they find laying around (because tic-tacs look like…barbituates? I dunno, I don’t remember much about it, I just remember thinking that it’s rude to take other people’s things without asking.).
    Probably also a reason to make edible medicinals a little less cute. But I feel the same about gummy bear vitamins and candy flavored throat lozenges.

  15. AP

    October 19, 2014 at 3:41 am

    When I was in elementary school, in the early 1990s, every year, without fail, my school sent out a typewritten, mimeographed warning letter informing parents of the dangers of temporary tattoos, as they were primarily used as a delivery system for LSD, and reminding parents that temporary tattoos were against school policy because of the risk of drug exposure and endorsement of drug culture.

    The parents thought it was pretty funny, as no one had dropped acid via temporary tattoo in 20 something years.

  16. CrazyFor Kate

    October 20, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    I would be waaaaayyy more worried about the brownies your kid’s older brother keeps at the bottom of the deep freeze (and no, unexpected edibles are nothing to joke about):

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