1. Wal-Mart Baby Clothes
No Garanimals will ever touch his royal heiney.
2. A Binkie With Floor Spice On It
When his pacifier falls out, you know Prince George's nanny is on top of that shit. There is no way this kid is ingesting any of Lupo's dog hairs off the nursery floor.
3. A Trip To A Skanky Bouncy House
You know the kind I mean- where the floors are cement, the air is scented vaguely of vomit and despair and it seems like the health department might shut it down any moment. This child will never crawl through a poop streak at the top of the slide, no question.
4. Jarred Baby Food
I would bet my collection of royal family memorabilia that they have the fancy contraption that turns adult food into perfectly smooth purees. No chunks, please!
5. A Clunky Ride In A Graco Stroller
I believe Duchess Kate has one of those Silver Cross prams that cost more than my first car. This baby will not be getting a finger sliced off in a recalled stroller.
6. Eating Car-Seat Fries
Most toddlers enjoy a petrified car-seat fry from last summer every now and then but not Prince George. He'll take risotto in his Snack Trap, thank you.
7. Spending Time In The Pediatrician's Waiting Room
I'm pretty sure the royal doctor makes house calls so Prince George doesn't get to lick the plague-covered board books along with the other kids.
8. Diaper Rash
The nanny is probably on an hourly changing schedule.
9. A Nick Jr. Marathon
I am guessing on days where Kate is caring for him and she just can't even she doesn't plunk him in front of Paw Patrol like a normal mother and instead, enlists help from the nanny so George is still being stimulated and entertained sans screens.
10. Going To Gym Daycare
He will never know the joys of playing with a germ-coated LeapFrog table that 17 other kids have wiped boogers on.
(Feature Image: Getty Images)