The Mommyish Guide To Naming A Kardashian Kid
Some say there’s a science to picking a baby name. You have to consider so many factors before settling on the perfect name. You’ll think about how it’s spelled, how it’s pronounced, how it’ll age. Obviously you have to go through the process of elimination and discard names that have been used by close friends and family. But even after all of this, you want it to be unique (but not too unique). It’s overwhelming! Unless you’re a Kardashian, that is. They seem to flout all rules when it comes to baby naming. It helps that they’re super famous, sure. But what if we all named our kids like they do? We could be on to something here, guys. So here is your Mommyish Guide to Naming a Kardashian Kid. We are not responsible for what happens should you follow it, but it could be fun.
Step #1 in naming a Kardashian kid: forget everything you thought you knew about naming a baby.
All those baby name books you bought? Throw them out. The websites you have bookmarked? Not going to need those. It’s really nice that your mom compiled a list of family names for you, but you can save those for your grandchildren. To name a Kardashian, you have to think like a Kardashian, and pull your inspiration from unlikely places.
Next up, take a walk around your house and write down words that jump out at you.
Think big here. You don’t want basic. You want MEMORABLE. Valance. Canopy. Dyson. Triaminic. If the idea of using something as a baby name seems completely ludicrous to you, then congratulations, you’re on the right track.
Familiarize yourself with geography and navigation.
Buy a compass. Name your kid Compass! North is off the table, and West is questionable. But East and South? Fair game. Your favorite city or country always works, especially if it’s either a SUPER recognizable place or somewhere no one in the world could locate on a map. Except Dallas, it’s been done and it’s tired.
Turn on the news!
Do you have any idea how many ideas you can get just by watching CNN? They cover all the shit that’s going down, all over the world. Just keep in mind, if Wolf Blitzer is getting all red in the face when he says a name, it’s not a good one. And pro-tip: always, ALWAYS Google the name before making any decisions. Lookin’ at you, Stormi.
Think about what’s missing from your life, and name your kid that.
Money trouble? Name it Cash. Stress? You call Zen for dinner and tell me that doesn’t chill you the fuck right out. Been lied to? Well, True seemed to work for someone else recently… (although it’s being reported that True is a family name, what a coincidence).
Delusions of grandeur? Pass it on to your kids in the form of a name.
Listen, if you refer to yourself as Lord ANYTHING, unless you are AN ACTUAL LORD, then obviously you have to keep it going with your kids. Call yourself a Queen and name your kid Prince or Princess. Hell, go with Duchess and Duke, Duke is an awesome name.
Throw a horoscope book at a wall and pick the first word that jumps out at you.
I am not at all suggesting you name your kid Cancer or some shit. But if Dream is a name you can give a human baby, nothing at all wrong with Libra. Or Sagittarius.
Go full hipster.
Two of the Kardashian kids have relatively normal names, which is surprising and also not something you should attempt if you’re going to commit to this. You can’t have a Sagittarius and like, an Ella. But, you can definitely skirt the normal-ish name rule by going hipster as FUCK. Seriously, just pick a random hashtag on some prairie home companion IG account and use that. Bonus points if Hashtag is their actual name.
Pick a letter and go with it, never stop.
Worked for Kris! But don’t use K, it’s been done to death. I would suggest using J or something, and just tack it on in front of any regular name. Jsophia. Jella. Jhenry. Make sure to tell people the J isn’t silent.
Screw a middle name. Get the job done with one name only.
Does Sagittarius sound like the kind of kid who needs a middle name? Absolutely fucking not. Here’s the thing: when you name your kid like a Kardashian, there is no middle name on earth that’s going to “go” with it. So don’t even bother. Better yet, drop the kid’s last name, too. Sagi stands alone.
So there you have it: your Mommyish Guide to Naming a Kardashian Kid. I can’t wait for an entire generation of Excedrins, Barcelonas, and Clouds. Back to school night is going to be really strange in a few years.
(Image: Facebook / Kim Kardashian West)