Mother’s Day Is Bittersweet After A Miscarriage
Last fall, I miscarried what would have been my third child. Every woman reacts differently to losing a pregnancy and for me, I’ve found my emotions to be all over the place throughout the last several months. I’ll go weeks on end feeling fine and then, I’ll see a pregnant woman or a sweet little baby outfit and suddenly, I’m back to the beginning. Grief is a tricky thing and creeps up when you least expect it. This month, I did expect it because I would’ve been due with the baby I lost. One of the first things I thought of when finding out my due date was that it would be around Mother’s Day. Now that it’s here, I’m feeling the grief as fresh as the day it happened.
I know I’m more fortunate than many who’ve dealt with losing a pregnancy. I have two healthy, incredible children who give me more joy than I ever thought possible. I also know that doesn’t lessen the pain of losing a baby. When I see my happy kids bouncing around, it does help some with the sad thoughts but it also brings up new ones. Right now, for instance, had I not lost that baby, my kids would be excitedly preparing to see their new sibling. Thinking of that stings in a way I never thought possible.
Knowing that we would’ve been setting up a crib and washing baby clothes and finalizing a name around now hurts. The kids would’ve been telling their classmates and teachers about how they get to be a big brother and sister soon. They would’ve been giggling at their old baby toys wondering if the baby would like them. So although I know my grief is probably not as deep as women who miscarry and have no beautiful kids to come home to, it does give my grief a different dimension. I see the loss for my kids too, even though they never knew I was pregnant. They don’t get to meet their sibling this month and that’s hard to swallow.
Regardless, on Sunday, I will smile and laugh. I will probably get some sweet macaroni jewelry to add to my ever-growing collection. I’ll eat my burnt toast and read my hand-made cards with tears in my eyes. I love my kids so much and I’m lucky to have them but that’s what makes this hard for me to deal with — I know how wonderful it is to have these amazing children. I know how happy that baby would’ve made me because of how happy his or her older siblings make me.
Please remember moms who’ve miscarried or lost a child this Mother’s Day. While it is a happy day for most, it can bring up feelings that a lot of us don’t want to deal with. If you know a woman who has lost a pregnancy or a baby, don’t forget to remember her and her little one. It will mean more to her than you know. Happy Mother’s Day to you all.