Pregnancy

8 More Accurate Ways To Refer To Morning Sickness

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Anyone who has ever had morning sickness knows that the label “morning sickness” is a big ol’ crock. It’s a, “whoever came up with this had a sample size of one” kind of lie. When I had “morning sickness” with my twins, I had mid-level nausea twenty-four hours a day, and would wake up in the middle of the night to dry-heave. I don’t actually know any women who only threw up in the morning and then went along their merry way. If I did, they were smart enough to lie to the rest of us about it.

Instead of “morning sickness,” I think we should start to refer to pregnancy puking by using one of these more accurate phrases:

1. Life Vomit.

rob

 (Giphy)

Yup. Pregnancy is a magical, magical time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run to the ladies room and change because I puked all over myself in the car on the way to work this morning. BRB!

2. I’m on a boat.

i-m-on-a-boat-1-o

 (Gifsoup)

Always. I am always on a boat. You’d think living on a boat would be pretty awesome, but it’s not. It’s just nauseous and always tilting.

3. It’s only morning sickness if you wake up at noon.

giphy

 (Giphy)

There’s nothing I like more than getting home after a long day of work and relaxing on the floor next to the toilet. It’s my little urine-covered throw-up containing sanctuary.

4. Just getting through the day one cracker at a time.

cracker

 (Giphy)

Just the one Saltine for me, thank you. After all, I just had another Saltine two hours ago. Wouldn’t want to overdo it.

5. I’m not dieting I’m vomiting.

eat

 (Giphy)

Ha! Yeah, it’s great that I’m not gaining any weight with this pregnancy. And yet, I also enjoy the life-sustaining nutrients of food. I am in quite a pickle that will only be resolved when I either give birth or die of starvation.

6. How Kate Middleton makes me look like a total wuss.

cambridge

(Giphy)

Oh, sister. My hat is off to you.

7. Sea-Bands are “business casual.”

squirrel

(Giphy)

I’m barley hanging on here, boss. So please excuse my hideous wrist bands that make me look like I am off to a tennis match in 1986. No, they have these horrible plastic knobs on them that I have convinced myself keep me from actually vomiting instead of just feeling like vomiting. I’d relax the dress code a bit.

8. Proof that prenatal vitamins are optional.

giphy (2)

(Giphy)

Because they are, right? I mean, if I can’t keep down water, you can’t possibly expect me to swallow a pill, can you? It’s not like my baby is going to grow horns now…right?

38 Comments

  1. whiteroses

    November 3, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Things I said before the morning sickness was over:

    “I can get away with eating hard candy until further notice, right?”

    “Morning sickness my ass.”

    “If you ever think you’re having sex again, mister, you’re crazy.”

    I was over at my SIL’s at one point and puked so hard I pissed myself. That was super fun.

    • Looby

      November 3, 2014 at 6:41 pm

      All of these sound so familiar.
      I’d just like to add being bruised from my pubes to my ribcage thanks to the 7 1/2 months worth of daily stabbings to connect my Zofran pump

    • aheb

      November 3, 2014 at 9:08 pm

      During my second pregnancy, I was nauseous any time I was vertical and vomited multiple times per day from week 4 to week 16. And since my poor pelvic muscles had already carried baby #1, I peed myself while vomiting many, many times.

  2. Valerie

    November 3, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Ugh, this sounds horrific. 🙁

  3. KarenMS

    November 3, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    I resisted for 12 weeks, but finally gave in and filled the Zofran prescription 2 weeks ago. This stuff is amazing. Of course, the trade off is now I’m even more tired and achy because I’m feeling better and doing too much. May cannot come soon enough!

    • Looby

      November 3, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      Feel better soon and try to keep the overdoing it to a minimum.

    • Music Mamma

      November 3, 2014 at 7:58 pm

      Watch out for the Zofran side effects. I had to resort to taking two out of three days. Hope you feel better soon!

  4. Amanda

    November 3, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    On a boat. That’s how I feel. All the time. That I’m on a boat. Without relief.

    It goes away at 12 week, right? right? I’m losing my flippin’ mind…

    • Looby

      November 3, 2014 at 7:13 pm

      Usually it does for most people

    • Emil

      November 3, 2014 at 8:08 pm

      Both pregnancies it peaked at 9 weeks and went away completely at 12-14. The good news is when it does go away you will be walking on sunshine. I can’t describe how happy I was to finally go through the day without nausea.

    • Grr! Arrgh!

      November 3, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      I disembarked from my boat around 13 weeks. Whatever you do, at the end of your first good day, do NOT turn to your husband and say “Hey, I think the midwife was right. The morning sickness really does seem to be going away!”

      Fate will punish you for your hubris and you will awaken that same husband at 11 pm later that night from a dead sleep by suddenly, and without any warning, projectile vomiting on the bedding, floor, and cat.

  5. Desert_RoseAZ

    November 3, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Wow-you ladies have my undying sympathy for being strong enough to deal with this. I was one of the blessed ones who did not get morning sickness, thank God. I have a weird phobia/anxiety disorder called emetophobia and I would honestly rather die than be sick. I can’t even be near it so that was quite a challenge being pregnant and raisng a kid! Its entirely conceivable that I would have done something drastic if i had to experience what some of you ladies went through!

  6. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    November 3, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    For me, it was, “give me that entire sleeve of saltines because if I am not actively ingesting something everything is coming back up and that’s the only thing that doesn’t make want to barf”.

  7. Rachel Sea

    November 3, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    I was in school while I was pregnant, and when I’m exhausted I’m nauseated, so that bit felt normal. I only vomited once, and it came as a complete surprise. Luckily it came over me when I happened to be right outside the bathroom door. I took one giant step towards the bathroom sink and just made it, otherwise I probably would have puked on the hall carpet.

  8. KL Walpole

    November 3, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    I had all-day sickness. And even my misery that resulted in weight loss during the first 14 weeks does not hold a candle to the utter hell of hyperemesis Gravidarum.

  9. Music Mamma

    November 3, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    It started for me both times the minute I turned 7 weeks and didn’t end until 26 and 40 weeks, respectively. I ended up hospitalized with my second and my wonderful nurses were so sweet to keep the hospital food out of the room.

  10. Amp

    November 3, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Almost 27 weeks and still sick. My fav is when I was hospitalized and couldn’t keep down water and my very helpful friends would say stuff like it’s all In your head, I had morning sickness it’s not that bad, just eat a banana, have you tried crackers? Ginger? I would never take meds. First off I was sick before I even knew I was pregnant, if morning sickness isn’t that bad then I don’t know WTf I have because I want to die. And nope I don’t try anything because I enjoy being sick. Really, you are against meds? Must be nice to not have to take them but when I’m vomiting 20 times a day and haven’t gained a pound yet.. I’ll take whatever the doc gives me!!!

    • KarenMS

      November 3, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      I was really nervous about taking anything but my doctor finally made me see reason with the risk trade off. I hadn’t had a glass of water in 2 months and could barely stomach a veggie. That had to be worse for baby than the possible risk from the class B med.

    • mediocrity511

      November 4, 2014 at 6:38 am

      Oh yes, I’ve had people suggesting it’s made worse by anxiety. To which my reply is ‘you think I can unknowingly be so anxious that I vomit to the point where my kidneys aren’t working properly?!’.

    • Deanmon

      November 6, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      “Ginger? Really? I’ve never of that for morning sickness before. You are literally the FIRST FUCKING PERSON to suggest that! My problems are finally solved!!!”
      One nurse told me that I needed to ‘really try’ to keep this cracker down, because “I can’t give you meds on an empty stomach.” Seriously. As if it was just my laziness and lack of “trying” that was causing me to vomit every 30 minutes.
      “Oh and have your tried fresh lemon in your water?” How about stop naming off FOODS while I have my face in this trashcan? Thanks. I have literally tried everything up to and including standing on my head. I don’t want to hear you rambling on about mashed potatoes, bananas smoothies, peanut butter and saltines while I’m puking up bile. k?

  11. cas

    November 3, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    I had morning sickness until about 6pm, then it switched to ‘acid reflux so strong I throw up burning liquid all night” until the morning sickness came back. But it only lasted the entire last 8 months of being pregnant so…

  12. Nicole

    November 4, 2014 at 12:15 am

    I did a fair bit of travel while pregnant and I had a shocker of a time when we were in Massachusetts. I projectile vomited all down the side of a site seeing trolley in the CBD and threw up all over the witches cemetery in Salem. This all before lunch time. I also did a ‘Morning Sickness Tour of the South East’ and was sick from Dallas to Orlando.

  13. The Kez

    November 4, 2014 at 2:30 am

    Eeeek all of these. I had both my babies at 41 weeks and was vomiting until the day they were born.

  14. mediocrity511

    November 4, 2014 at 6:09 am

    I had no idea how bad it could get. Was expecting a couple of pukes a day for the first 12 weeks. Instead starting at week 3 when pregnancy tests were still negative, it quickly ramped up until I was hospitalised because I was not keeping any fluids down and was delirious with dehydration. Medication has helped, but at 33 weeks I am still vomiting and am 10lbs down from my pre pregnancy weight.

    Around week 24, my brain went to strange places in the middle of the night whilst hanging out in the bathroom. I calculated that at that point in my pregnancy I’d produced about 1.5 times my own weight in vomit!

    I’ve never wanted to have an only child, but don’t think I could face months of hyperemesis again.

    • amp

      November 4, 2014 at 11:06 am

      Me too! We are looking at fostering after this one is born because physically I don’t think I can do this again

  15. Grr! Arrgh!

    November 4, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Morning was the only time I felt okay during that phase of pregnancy. I’d wake up feeling almost normal and stuff some bread, fruit, and peanut butter into my mouth (meat was a NO GO for about 24 weeks) because it was my only window where the genereral concept of food wasn’t horrifying to me. Then I’d start to feel progressively more and more nauseated and exhausted thoughout the day until about 7 pm when I’d huddle miserably in bed feeling too sick to move. I only hurled 2-3 times a week but the nausea was still enough to incapacitate me.

    Oh, and the really bitch about morning sicknes was, throwing up didn’t make me feel better. When you’re sick or drunk, throwing up isn’t any more pleasent, but at least you feel better after. When I was pregnant, I’d puke and instead of feeling relief, I’d just feel like I didn’t need to hurl any longer but would continue to feel as nauseated and sick as I had before I’d thrown up.

    • ted3553

      November 4, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      I had always wondered that because I had nausea but no vomiting for 4 months and thought that it might have subsided if I had actually vomited. Apparently not.

    • Grr! Arrgh!

      November 4, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      Maybe for other people, but not for me. 🙁

  16. aCongaLine

    November 4, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Oh man.

    With my first, it was textbook- occasional nausea until 12 weeks, and that was great, because we didn’t realize we were expecting until I was 10 weeks- just thought I had the flu.

    #2? total blowout sick from weeks 30-41. weird. awful.

    no matter how it comes, it’s no fun.

  17. ChelseaBFH

    November 4, 2014 at 9:31 am

    I was very lucky in the morning sickness department, but it still felt like I had a constant mild hangover until about 12 weeks. I was sweaty, exhausted, had a dull headache, and wanted nothing to do with foods that weren’t carbs. Fun!

  18. Laura

    November 4, 2014 at 10:53 am

    “I don’t actually know any women who only threw up in the morning and then went along their merry way.”

    *raises hand* At 13 weeks that’s exactly what my experience has been so far. Pretty much every morning, either right before or right after my shower, then I’m usually good for the rest of the day. I had no idea this was so rare.

  19. PAJane

    November 4, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    I’m amazed we haven’t evolved to the point that this doesn’t happen. Oh, you have to grow a baby? Great, let’s make it impossible for you to keep food down! What a terrible plan, humans!

  20. tSubh Dearg

    November 4, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    25 weeks and I still get bouts of nausea, usually triggered by heartburn. Thankfully the lovely doc last week gave me a prescription for Zantac that seems to be helping keep everything down. Though I did get sick Monday morning while getting ready to go to the airport for our honeymoon, because that was the perfect moment to be puking up bile into the loo.

  21. Deanmon

    November 6, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    “If I could just throw up I’d feel so much better.” Oh wait… that’s not right. NOTHING makes it better.
    I remember laying completely upside down in the hospital bed, hoping to find the “right thing” that would make the nausea stop.
    Doctors finally got the vomiting under control with meds, but that doesn’t help with nausea. It just makes you feel like you constantly have vomit on deck… waiting for the perfect moment to rip apart your esophagus while simultaneously making you pee your pants.
    After two vomit-free, goddess like pregnancies, this last one is making me reconsider our plans for a ‘big family.’ 3 may just be enough if I have to risk dealing with hyperemisis again just to have another child.

  22. Kite

    November 7, 2014 at 2:19 am

    “Life Vomit” Much better.

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