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Pregnancy

8 More Accurate Ways To Refer To Morning Sickness

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Anyone who has ever had morning sickness knows that the label “morning sickness” is a big ol’ crock. It’s a, “whoever came up with this had a sample size of one” kind of lie. When I had “morning sickness” with my twins, I had mid-level nausea twenty-four hours a day, and would wake up in the middle of the night to dry-heave. I don’t actually know any women who only threw up in the morning and then went along their merry way. If I did, they were smart enough to lie to the rest of us about it.

Instead of “morning sickness,” I think we should start to refer to pregnancy puking by using one of these more accurate phrases:

1. Life Vomit.

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Yup. Pregnancy is a magical, magical time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run to the ladies room and change because I puked all over myself in the car on the way to work this morning. BRB!

2. I’m on a boat.

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Always. I am always on a boat. You’d think living on a boat would be pretty awesome, but it’s not. It’s just nauseous and always tilting.

3. It’s only morning sickness if you wake up at noon.

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There’s nothing I like more than getting home after a long day of work and relaxing on the floor next to the toilet. It’s my little urine-covered throw-up containing sanctuary.

4. Just getting through the day one cracker at a time.

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Just the one Saltine for me, thank you. After all, I just had another Saltine two hours ago. Wouldn’t want to overdo it.

5. I’m not dieting I’m vomiting.

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Ha! Yeah, it’s great that I’m not gaining any weight with this pregnancy. And yet, I also enjoy the life-sustaining nutrients of food. I am in quite a pickle that will only be resolved when I either give birth or die of starvation.

6. How Kate Middleton makes me look like a total wuss.

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Oh, sister. My hat is off to you.

7. Sea-Bands are “business casual.”

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(Giphy)

I’m barley hanging on here, boss. So please excuse my hideous wrist bands that make me look like I am off to a tennis match in 1986. No, they have these horrible plastic knobs on them that I have convinced myself keep me from actually vomiting instead of just feeling like vomiting. I’d relax the dress code a bit.

8. Proof that prenatal vitamins are optional.

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(Giphy)

Because they are, right? I mean, if I can’t keep down water, you can’t possibly expect me to swallow a pill, can you? It’s not like my baby is going to grow horns now…right?

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