The Mommy Wars

10 Reasons Why Moms Are Way Better Than The Childfree By Choice

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Moms Are Better Than The Childfree By ChoiceI’ve always been a huge defender of the *CBC Crüe. I get why people don’t wanna have babies. Hell, I don’t even wanna have babies but I should have thought about that before having that third vodka tonic and spreading my legs wide open. And as much as I appreciate NOT having kids, the fact that I do have them makes me all sorts of defensive about the fact I do have them and I find myself debating this choice on occasion, especially when one of those uppity childfree by choice people gets in my face and tells me why not having kids is the way to go. I’ve thought about this a lot recently, and I have devised my ultimate list about why us moms are way, way, way much better than you CBC peoples.

1: We have better snacks. 

You don’t have or want kids? Go into your pantry. OH I FORGET CHILDFREE BY CHOICE PEOPLE DON’T HAVE PANTRIES. Burrrrrrrn. OK, go into your kitchen cupboard. What ya got? I have Goldfish crackers. And NOT in the bags, but in those giant industrial sized CARTONS. I also have fruit snacks in every shape imaginable, including rolls AND sticks. They also come in these flavors: princess, fish, video game dude, other uglier princess, bumbleberry, snoopy, sad lady from Frozen, insect, bear, froot, vitamin and Smurf dude.

I also may have cheeze. IN A CAN.

2: We are more helpful to people 

I can be with one of my other MOM friends and if I have something on my face you know what she will do? She will dig into her purse past the skanky pacifiers and urine-filled diaper rolled into a ball and crumbs and will find some used Kleenex from a few months ago, take it out, spit on it and wipe something off my face with it. NO PROBLEM. When is the last time one of you childfree by choice people did something that kind for another person?

3: We have laps 

 

You people who don’t want kids and your toned abdomens – whatever. Us moms got laps.

4: We have more toys than you 

I don’t care if one of you CBC people is some collector of awesome figures or dolls or action figures or whatever, I can promise us moms have more toys than you, even if half of them are shoved in the sofa cushions or broken in a toy box or lodged up our kid’s nose.

 5: We know way more about music than you 

There is an unfortunate stereotype that moms aren’t with it and we have no idea what’s cool these days but one thing we do know more about that the childfree by choice is music. I challenge any one of you to a game of singing the theme to The Doc McStuffins show or Caillou and I will kick your ass.

 6: We have more cake access 

 

Listen, I know you CBC celebrate birthdays and have friends who celebrate birthdays and go to your adult restaurants and celebrate birthdays with a nice bottle of wine and things that aren’t cake like Crème brûlée and watermelon-basil sorbet but us moms got cake, usually cake with FUNFETTI frosting and Hot Wheels cars lodged into it and spittle on it from when some three-year-old blew out candles.

7: We can make the face  

You don’t know how to do THE FACE unless you have kids and one of them did something very very very bad like eating the last of the ice cream and leaving one small freezer burned spoon in the carton. Or fed the dog too many marshmallows and the dog puked all over the entry way rug right before you were expecting company. Moms own THE FACE.

8: You have to spend money on things like vacations 

Spending money on going to a place that isn’t your home with things like fluffy beds and adult beverages and interesting things to see and do? Us moms don’t have to spend money on that. Us moms KNOW that going on vacation with kids is just cleaning up after people in a different city.

9: We don’t freak old people out 

According to all the old people everywhere always, us moms are doing what we should be doing, by settling down and birthing them babies. You childfree by choice freak them out and make them ask things like when are you going to have a babbbbbbbby and why don’t you want babbbbbbys and your life would only be complete if you had a babbbbbby where is your babbbbbbby? No one gives a shit what us moms do because we are all ready doing it so we don’t scare old people, they just ask us to bring them more decaffeinated coffee and hold our babbys for two seconds and then hand them back to us after asking if it is a boy or a girl.

10: We get to talk more 

Us moms get to talk a LOT. We get to talk to kids, talk to their teachers, talk to their doctors, talk to other moms about everything they are doing wrong. You childfree by choice and your quiet, lazy afternoons spent enjoying an amazing book without being interrupted by a four-year-old asking you WHY a gazillion times don’t get how awesome it is to talk. Constantly. Us moms get to talk when we are trying to sleep, trying to finish a meal, and trying to pee and we get to talk through a door when our kids are pounding on it because we walked out  of the room for two seconds. We get to talk talk talk talk talk. You CBCs don’t know how much FUN it is to patiently explain to a five-year-old why we don’t hit the lamp after going through a raging bout of stomach flu.

 

*It should (always, forever) be noted that CBC is childfree by choice. Not people struggling with infertility or those unable to have children. Childfree by choice means a decision NOT to have children.

210 Comments

  1. Kay_Sue

    May 30, 2014 at 11:05 am

    I loved this, but I am more looking forward to seeing how many people completely miss the point. You troll, you. 😛

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

      Me too. I’m ready.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:49 am

      Now I am craving Swiss Rolls and I have Thriller in my head.

      Thanks, Mommyish..

    • Ms. Anne

      May 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      Swiss Rolls and Thriller party! My house!

    • Kay_Sue

      May 31, 2014 at 12:51 am

      You are my new best friend.

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Thanks Evebama!

    • Kay_Sue

      May 31, 2014 at 12:56 am

      She strikes again…

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:53 am

      Where is SAHM when we need her?

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      I know, right?! *sighs*

    • james watson

      May 30, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    • Kay_Sue

      May 31, 2014 at 12:56 am

      Well, you see, it’s elementary, my dear Watson.

  2. Valerie

    May 30, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Omg evil Caillou. Amazing.

  3. Jennie Blair

    May 30, 2014 at 11:09 am

    I’m pregnant but was cbc for years, much to the annoying when are you going to make me a (whatever 2nd degree relative). I have a lap, if my cat isn’t on it. My snacks kick the gold fish ass. Not having a child has never slowed down my cake in take. I guess you have me on vacations, I do pay for those. Unsure on talking. I do miss booze though, won’t it be nice when I can drink again. I won’t be calling it mommy juice though, that sounds nasty.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:10 am

      Listen, you need to stop your cake bragging RIGHT now.

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:19 am

      Little Debbie, all the cake none of the annoying clean up or forks

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:20 am

      I want Swiss Rolls like right now after reading this comment.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:36 am

      Forget Swiss Rolls. The oatmeal cream pies are where it’s at.

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:37 am

      Team Swiss Rolls.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:41 am

      You know momjones, I thought you were cool, but now it’s like I have to re-evaluate this relationship.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      THIS THREAD IS TEARING US ALL APART

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:45 am

      You’re tearing me apart!!!

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Reason for divorce: irreconcilable snack differences.

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      We’re OK – dadjones loves the oatmeal ones. It’s one of his go-to’s when he is fishing.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Well, if you and your husband can work through these differences, I guess we can too.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:40 am

      this has turned into a snack cake showdown

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      It is game on right know…hold my earrings.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:43 am

      … I …CAN’T…. WATCH

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

      Get ready for a snack-down smack down!!

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Team Cosmic. (Cupcake or brownie, I’m down for both)

    • Kendra

      May 30, 2014 at 12:06 pm

      Is there a Team Nutter Butter? If not, I’ll settle for Team Cosmic.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:44 am

      I think the best way to settle this is to just have us all supplied with a truckload of our favorite snack cakes and whoever eats the most is the champion.

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Sounds good to me

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:48 am

      I’d definitely take some Cosmic Brownies though, you know, if you wanted to share.

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:51 am

      I always share, unless it’s a cosmic cupcake and then I will stab your hand with a fork like I’m in an old prison movie

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:41 am

      I’m going to make a confession that often affects my popularity *but*…

      I can’t stand oatmeal cookies or anything resembling them….

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      See I loathe oatmeal cookies except the little Debbie’s! I think they put crack in them.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      I think that’s Little Debbie’s secret ingredient for *everything*.

    • libraryofbird

      May 30, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      And lard, yummy yummy lard

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 1:12 pm

      Mmmmm lard…

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

      see, I like them OK, I like all cookies, but keep those damn raisins out of them. Ew.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Raisins. Ick.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 30, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      That means more for me.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 31, 2014 at 12:51 am

      I will definitely pass any that fall into my care on.

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Even better – reduced price at Big Lots – CMJ will tell you momjones Big Lots stories.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:41 am

      I sense a trip to Big Lots in my future.

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:42 am

      I’m doing my part to enlighten the world, I send cosmic cupcakes, fudge rounds, and honey buns to the sad land of England where little Debbie is only a myth. And girl scout cookies, seriously is it cookie time anywhere?

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Oh jeebus. I need Girl Scout cookies. My stash of thin mints is depleted and I’m starting to twitch.

    • Jennie Blair

      May 30, 2014 at 11:44 am

      Quick fix, they sell it in grocery stores as ice cream and coffee creamer

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:12 am

      How are you pregnant and have a lap? That’s the one time in my life that I actually think I didn’t have one.

      I need to learn the ways of your people.

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 12:36 pm

      My one cat didn’t care, he would sprawl across my bump when he wanted to sit with me.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 31, 2014 at 12:54 am

      My dog was really bad about that too. Then my kid would kick him, and it would be a brawl for my lap between the tenant and the mutt. *sighs*

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:18 pm

      My husband’s cat (a Russian blue) crawled into my lap when I was eight months pregnant. The baby kicked him in the head. I have never seen a cat run that fast.

    • JulesInNC

      May 30, 2014 at 11:37 am

      May you be blessed with the nursing metabolism of a teenage boy, as some are. I ate ALL THE CAKE, to the point of semi-obscenity. It makes the sleep-deprivation and lack of boozing more tolerable.

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      I had a great nursing metabolism with my first, and it was great, and then not at all with my second. I didn’t have an appetite throughout most of my 2nd pregnancy, but the cravings I got while nursing made up for it. I think I put on more weight while I was nursing than I did while I was pregnant. 🙁

    • JulesInNC

      May 30, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      Oh man… I just found out I’m pregnant with #2, and am totally banking on the nursing weight loss program again. Don’t tell me things could possibly be otherwise!!! (Kidding/NotKidding)

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 12:55 pm

      I’m sorry! And congrats with your 2nd!
      Well, I also have a problem with gaining weight when I’m stressed. My husband had his second brain tumor surgery when my 2nd was only 2 months old, so that probably had something to do with it.

    • JulesInNC

      May 30, 2014 at 1:00 pm

      What an awful load to bear for all of you. Hope you’re all healthy and happy now. And thanks–very excited about #2, but only the hubs and our nanny know so far, so it’s nice to be able to share it SOMEWHERE!

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Thank you. Yes, we’re all good now. It’s been two years since my husband’s last treatment, and all of his scans have been clear since. 🙂

    • ALE515

      May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

      I just gave birth on the 17th, and once I got home I drank champagne and then pina coladas. I hear ya on the missing booze part!

    • Momma425

      May 30, 2014 at 11:57 am

      I always thought mommy juice was breastmilk.
      No joke.

  4. pixie

    May 30, 2014 at 11:12 am

    #Eveisbesttroll

    I want cake now.

  5. Emily A.

    May 30, 2014 at 11:14 am

    I was going to be all, “Heck, no!” because I have a friend who is CBC and is 100% awesome, but… I do have way better snacks. #Truth

  6. Kendra

    May 30, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Eve, I’m really upset about this article. HOW DARE YOU.
    I mean, seriously. How could you have all these snacks and all this cake and you aren’t even sharing with us????? That is uncalled for and UNFORGIVABLE.

    • Kendra

      May 30, 2014 at 11:16 am

      #snackbraggingisworsethanhumblebragging

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:16 am

      #MortalMomSin

  7. Mystik Spiral

    May 30, 2014 at 11:19 am

    I don’t know… I am CBC and I consider myself quite the snack connoisseur.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:19 am

      prove it PROVE IT

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 11:22 am

      In my desk RIGHT NOW I have goldfish pretzels, cherries n’ berries fruit snacks, sunflower seeds, jelly beans, Craisins, granola bars, pita crackers, and li’l Debbie peanut butter bars.

      So nyah.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:23 am

      are you sure you don’t have a toddler in there?

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:24 am

      If not, it’s sure to attract one. Mystik Spiral, you may want to set up traps.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 11:26 am

      hahahah! YES!

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:28 am

      You know once you feed them, they never go away.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Exactly. Glad to see you are prepared. 😛

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 11:25 am

      Lololol. My snack affinities never matured past toddlerhood…

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Oh God – who hasn’t bought a package of Little Debbie anything and not eaten the entire thing?

    • Rachel Sea

      May 30, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      No one I want to know. Part of being a grownup is being able to eat an entire box of Nutty Bars for dinner.

    • Tinyfaeri

      May 30, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      Nah, it’s ordering a sundae and a side of bacon in a diner. Bonus points if there are small children at other tables.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 30, 2014 at 7:51 pm

      See, that sounds more like breakfast to me…perhaps brunch. Dinner is all about laziness in my book, which means if there is ice cream, it’s straight out of the pint in front of the computer.

      And now I want Chubby Hubby.

  8. Ursi

    May 30, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Y’all do freak out the old folks a lot less, I have to concede this point. I’m still waiting for the day an elder finds out I’ve opted out of the gene pool and says, “Wait, you can do that?”

  9. JenH1986

    May 30, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Mr. H is like a toddler: our snacks: Goldfish (also by the Sam’s club carton), all manner of Twizzler, Sour Patch Kids, Swedish fish (5 pound bag), pop tarts (3 of the super big box), peanut butter crackers, swiss cake rolls, cosmic brownies, Nutty Buttys, peanut butter filled pretzels AND granola bars (those dipped in chocolate not the plain ones because “those are gross”). A cashier at Kroger once asked me how old my kid was. Imagine her surprise when I said “32”.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Can I come live with you?

    • JenH1986

      May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

      We got room! So heck yea. You gotta change the toilet paper roll tho, because I can’t be the only person in the house that does that still.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

      THAT’S MY SUPERPOWER!

      At least, I assume it is, because I’m the only one that does it here.

    • Maggie J

      May 30, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      I would take over the toilet roll changing duty completely if you let me come live with you.

    • JenH1986

      May 30, 2014 at 9:48 pm

      Done! Come on over!

    • Harriet Meadow

      May 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      My husband is the same way. Just over a year ago I was shopping while heavily pregnant, and I was getting snacks for him AND me (when I’m not usually a snacker): bags and bags of Doritos, tons of ice cream, boxes of over-processed Hostess products, etc. The cashier said, “Wow, SOMEONE’s having a party.” Nope. Just me and my husband.

    • Linzon

      May 30, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      Goldfish with tzatziki sauce for dipping is amazing.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      I have never thought of this

    • PAJane

      May 30, 2014 at 4:21 pm

      Oh! Dinner is now planned. Thank you.

    • Alanna Jorgensen

      May 30, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      Sounds better than my sister’s idea of appropriate dipping sauce. She dipped goldfish crackers In ketchup until she was 16.

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      I like to save Chick-Fil-A sauce and dip them in that.

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      I always like to tell my husband that he eats like a five year old on crack. Before he met me, his food pyramid consisted of: chocolate, salted peanuts, Skittles, SweeTarts, chocolate, the occasional meat pie, and chocolate.

  10. JulesInNC

    May 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

    “Us moms KNOW that going on vacation with kids is just cleaning up after people in a different city.”

    So much this. I’m going to the beach for a week with my toddler, and am hoping to ACTUALLY get a leeeettle break, since a bajillion kid-loving family members will be there to help. Especially when they find out I’m newly PREGNANT and just want to sleep forever. (Hubs is away all freaking summer for work.)

  11. Spongeworthy

    May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

    I can’t be trusted around goldfish crackers. If I buy the big carton I worry they’ll find me one night frantically pouring them in my mouth, surrounded by crumbs.

    • Kendra

      May 30, 2014 at 11:39 am

      Ditto.

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 11:40 am

      I had a student who brought a bag full of goldfish every day for lunch. She would always eat them in Home Room, and every day she had to give me some. Nothing like mooching off a kid satisfy my junkie need for them. Besides, I was also giving her a grade.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 11:50 am

      I have definitely lied to my son about the goldfish being all gone and then eating them after he goes to bed.

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 1:10 pm

      I do that when I eat all my son’s Pringles.

      “No, I do not know who ate all the Pringles. No, I do NOT have Pringles in my mouth right now.”

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      Hahahaha

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 30, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      My daughter once confronted me with the empty Pixie sticks that she found in the garbage. I totally binged on them the night before while I was watching TV and she was asleep. She stormed over to me and thrust her grubby little paw full of wrappers into my face and demanded “What’s THIS?”. I am not proud.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Snack shamed by your own daughter!

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 30, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      Is there no end to the judgment moms face?

    • AE Vorro

      June 8, 2014 at 2:28 pm

      That’s awesome. My friend and I most of her daughter’s Halloween candy after she went to bed. We justified it by eating only the non-name-brand stuff that was made in China on the assumption that it contained weird chemicals. We were nice enough to leave her peanut butter cups alone.

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Me neither. And we had to stop buying Teddy Grahams for that reason. I seriously could. not. stop. eating. them.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Yeah I can’t buy Teddy Grahams… nom nom nom.

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 11:48 am

      I’m pretty sure they’re made with heroin.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      May 30, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Mmmmm Teddy Grahams

    • jane

      May 30, 2014 at 11:57 am

      I had to stop buying those Gerber puff things. I ate 99X more than my toddlers.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 30, 2014 at 12:05 pm

      The fruit ones were my crack. They were such a waste of money because I ate so much more than he did.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      May 30, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      OMG the ones that were like cheese doodles? YES! I used to eat those too.

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      OK, can we now talk about cheese doodles? One of my vivid memories of my childhood (I’m 62) is sitting on the couch with my Mom and eating an entire bag!

    • Alexandra

      June 2, 2014 at 8:57 am

      A mom friend of mine actually said those Gerber puff things were the best part of having toddlers 🙂

    • Maria Guido

      May 30, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      I’m on a diet right now, which means my son isn’t even allowed to have them. I have to keep goldfish crackers from a 3-year-old because I can’t be trusted around them. That’s sad.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      Yep. That is why there are currently none in my house. Sorry sweetie, you can’t have any crackers because your mom has no willpower. Here, have a banana.

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Did you put a bug in my house? Because I said this verbatim to my kid the other day…

    • Spongeworthy

      May 31, 2014 at 1:07 pm

      Haha! I think that means we’re both awesome moms 🙂

    • SA

      May 30, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      I eat all the crackers all the time. Need to switch kid back to carrot sticks.

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 12:28 pm

      If for some reason I eat one goldfish cracker then I can’t stop, but usually I can keep myself from eating them. Pretzels are a different story, though.
      We had just bought a Costco size box of fruit snacks, and then my son’s dentist told us that he shouldn’t have them anymore. I technically shouldn’t have them either, but I’ll take one for the team.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Well those fruit snacks aren’t going to eat themselves!

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 30, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      Ohh! The Annie’s fruit snacks are amazing. We get the big pack of them from Costco. I am a fruit snack connoisseur and they are far superior to the others (and you can be superior to others, too, because they are organic). #snacksnob

    • LadyClodia

      May 30, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      I do still let them have the Annie’s ones sometimes. They are better, and also don’t seem quite as sticky as most of the other ones. The big box I have are Mott’s Medley’s which are actually pretty good, but they’re super sticky, and definitely not good for their teeth.

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 30, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      It is good that they have you there to save them from the fruit snacks. At least someone is thinking of the children! 🙂

    • G.E. Phillips

      May 30, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      I have no issues with goldfish crackers, but I have a hardcore Pirate Booty problem.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 1:09 pm

      Not gonna lie, I giggled at this comment for like 5 minutes.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      me toooo

    • Spongeworthy

      May 30, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      This thread is pretty much guaranteeing I get no work done this afternoon. Thanks, Evebama!

    • CrazyFor Kate

      May 30, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      I still buy boxes of them (or did before I moved to Russia), and I’m 22 and have no kids. Goldfish forever!

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 31, 2014 at 10:16 am

      This makes me sad. Can we all put together a Mommyish care package for Kate here? Filled with Goldfish and other goodies?

    • CrazyFor Kate

      May 31, 2014 at 11:52 am

      Leaving in three weeks, so it’s all good 😉 I actually have a list of all the foods I’m going to devour when I get home. Starting with poutine, obviously.

    • Alanna Jorgensen

      May 30, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Those god damn chicken crackers are what does it to me. I loved em as a kid, was disgusted by them for awhile as a childless adult, and then as soon as I had a kid of my own suddenly couldn’t get enough. I put Tillamook sharp cheddar on top and eat half the box and then my daughter yells at me for eating all her crackers…

    • Allyson_et_al

      June 1, 2014 at 12:02 am

      My dad used to work for Pepperidge Farm, and he would send me those giant cartons when I was in college. It’s amazing how fast a group of college students with the munchies can demolish one of those things.

  12. Sophia Bennit

    May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

    hahahaha nice one you have mentioned all points about moms, it is good to read that article very intresting 10 Reasons About Mom is Better

  13. LiLi

    May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

    #11 When you’re drinking in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday you can point to the snotty thing in the stroller as your excuse. #momlife (did I use that hastag correctly? meh who cares, time for a margarita, whooo!)

  14. Hana Graham

    May 30, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    I love this.

  15. Maria Guido

    May 30, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    I love this so much.

  16. evilstepmom

    May 30, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    But I can buy cake, and not have to share it… or hide it, except for every other weekend. 😉 (By the way… I do love this article.)

  17. TwentiSomething Mom

    May 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    I have lots of snacks at home but I DON’T SHARE with my toddler so I hide them and eat them after he goes to sleep. I try and encourage healthy eating like fruits and plain Greek yogurt for him and then I binge on cake, wine and ice cream after he goes to bed.

    • Alanna Jorgensen

      May 30, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      “But I don’t wanna go to bed!” Too bad, kid, mommy’s ice cream is waiting.

  18. Rachel Sea

    May 30, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    I am totally set for cake. I am the designated office cake maker, ’cause I make bomb-ass cakes, totally from scratch, yo.

  19. staferny

    May 30, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    At what point does a mom develop the ability to make “The Face”? Is it something that develops during pregnancy as a response to people who make stupid comments like “should you be eating that”? or is it bestowed on mom at the moment that you see the first poop-drawing on your walls?

    • AP

      May 30, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      I developed it while supervising swim lessons in an inner city elementary school. It works well on wayward adults, too.

    • Maria Guido

      May 30, 2014 at 1:48 pm

      I try to make it so hard. My kids don’t care.

    • Alicia Kiner

      May 30, 2014 at 8:03 pm

      I’m with you there. I give my kids dirty looks and unless there’s a very stern tongue lashing along with it, I could be glaring at the wall.

    • SA

      May 30, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      I think it is the “in the moment” bestowed type thing. It automatically happens when you see your kid dipping your toothbrush in the toilet.

    • kittymom

      May 30, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      I’m child free ATM. The moms I work with agree I have a rocking Mom Face. I developed it as the eldest of 3siblings, and I use it on my husband, and patients I care for that are being naughty. I like to think I’m #blessed.

  20. keelhaulrose

    May 30, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    You forgot our trump-all excuse for being late.
    “It took me forever to get the kids out the door and my tardiness had nothing to do with me deciding to stay in the Starbucks drive thru line.”

    • ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

      May 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      My son is always an excellent scapegoat. That’s pretty much why I even had a kid in the first place.

    • Natasha B

      May 30, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      I will be late for ANYTHING before I sacrifice my spot in the starbucks drive through.

    • Ms. Anne

      May 31, 2014 at 10:24 am

      Potty training toddler! Trumps all and no one wants details. Even about where the latte in my hand came from.

  21. Coco

    May 30, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    #1 all the way! I don’t have kids yet but whenever I go to my friend’s house who have kids, the first thing I do is dive into their pantry pulling out fruit snacks and goldfish crackers.

    • Guest

      May 30, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      I can also count on my mom friends to have snacks in their purses when we’re out too!

  22. shygirl

    May 30, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    she is trolling right? because I can’t imagine someone like this

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      This article is 1000000000% true and totally factual.

    • Valerie

      May 30, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      #truth

  23. Danyelle

    May 30, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    This thread has officially tipped the scales. I just have to admit to myself that the main reason I click on any Mommyish article is for the comments! Love it.

  24. AP

    May 30, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    I have no children, and three different flavors of Goldfish in my apartment at the moment: Giant Carton of cheddar, small bags of French Toast and Fudge Brownie.

    I’m not four.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      as much as I wanna be behind then Goldfish dessert crackers, I cannot. They lack. idk why. I eat them then I get sad like DON’T BE A CUPCAKE FLAVOR JUST BE A FUCKING CUPCAKE.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      I kinda like the S’mores one, though, because chocolate and graham fish crackers, and MARSHMALLOWS like in Lucky Charms!!

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      (If Lucky Charms made cereal with just the crunchy marshmallows I would buy it so hard)

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      YES.

    • Megan

      May 30, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com/

      It is a blessed day.

    • AP

      May 31, 2014 at 2:02 am

      Kraft sells a whole jar of the hard marshmallows like the kind you find floating in powdered hot cocoa. A. Whole. Jar.

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 31, 2014 at 11:58 pm

      Why would you give me this information? WHY?

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      June 1, 2014 at 4:05 pm

      We buy a big bag from the Dutch/Amish stores and then a gigantor box of Lucky charms. Actually have one in the pantry right now……. get in your car, you can be here in two days 🙂

    • Natasha B

      May 30, 2014 at 4:05 pm

      Oh gawd. The toddlers talked me into buying a bag of the S’mores ones, now I’m all WHY don’t these come in the giant carton?! Nomnomnom

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 30, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      YEAH BLAME THE TODDLERS WHY DON’T YOU? 😉

    • wmdkitty

      May 31, 2014 at 4:42 am

      I’ve always wanted to try putting those in milk, and eating them with a spoon.

    • Maria Guido

      May 30, 2014 at 1:47 pm

      I HATE those.

    • AP

      May 31, 2014 at 2:01 am

      I was skeptical at first, until I looked at the sale unit price of Fudge Brownie Goldfish vs. the sale unit price of Chocolate Teddy Grahams. Fudge Brownie Goldfish win!

      The only thing I dislike about them is they have some sugary powdery stuff on them like Cinnamon Toast Crunch that gets all over your hands and if you inadvertently rub your hands on your shirt, you have to spend the rest of the work day smelling like fake French Toast or Brownie.

    • Di Another Day

      June 1, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      This is maybe the best comment I’ve ever read on Mommyish.

    • PAJane

      May 30, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      I currently have Goldfish in my purse, my pantry, and the secret snack drawer in my desk, behind all the hanging files.

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:20 pm

      Fudge Brownie goldfish are a thing?
      What. the.crap. How did I not know this?

  25. KSo

    May 30, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    OMG No 10. I JUST finished a 10 minute talk with my 4 yo about not putting buggers on his brother. I just get so tired of talking sometimes.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      hahaha!!!!!! “listen honey, we don’t snot our siblings..”

    • momjones

      May 30, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      Yesterday my granddaughter told me to take the booger that she rolled up into a ball off her finger. I threw a wipe at her and told her to do it herself.

  26. KayeStar

    May 30, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    If being a parent makes someone this conceited (I don’t think I’m better than anybody), that’s all the more reason not to be one.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 30, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      You’re right. I’m super conceited about my fruit snacks and broken legos.

    • Jennifer Freeman

      May 30, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      Quit being so damn braggy about your lap, Eve!

    • whiteroses

      May 31, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      It’s satire, sweetie.

  27. PAJane

    May 30, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    I do envy you the cake. I’ll give you that.
    But I buy my own damn fruit snacks, thankyouverymuch.

  28. AE Vorro

    May 30, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    The Calliou gif is killing me. So brilliant.

  29. wmdkitty

    May 30, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    All right, I’ll give you the snacks (because Goldfish), but really? The rest of this? *shakes head and laughs*

  30. K2

    May 30, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    I have just about NO toys left, but I have a large collection of plushies.. Oops. I also have a secret hiding place at home for my snacks 😉

  31. SA

    May 30, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    #10. YES. I talk all. the. time. Never really say anything, but words are always coming out. I love it though. I take kid out shopping and get to talk to myself out loud about my shopping list and make it look like I’m talking to her instead. Try to be CBC and get away with that!

  32. Pingback: 10 Kids Snack Foods That Moms Secretly Eat

  33. Atti Ann

    May 30, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Ten reasons why being childfree is BETTER than being a parent:
    1) We don’t have to share the snacks with kids
    2) We actually have time to help people
    3)We get to nap whenever we want, especially after coming home from a long day at work. We don’t have to worry about feeding kids, helping with homework, etc.
    4) We can buy better and more useful toys (iphones, computers, games…) and don’t have to share them
    5) We get to listen to music we want (even music with profanity w/out worrying about kids hearing it) and don’t have to listen to horrible kiddy music
    6) We can buy cake anytime we want, eat it all ourselves (if you’re single), or share it with your beloved significant other.
    7) By not making “that face,” we get less wrinkles
    8) We can save up our money that we didn’t spend on kids and go anywhere we want, peacefully, w/out the worries of bringing along kids. We also don’t have to clean up after anyone.
    9) Us childfree people are awesome for going against the norm, living our lives the way we want to happily live them, and not being pressured by people strangers to do what we don’t want. If old people are creeped out, that’s their business.
    10) We get to talk to those people, and more, or only people we WANT to talk to. And when we don’t want to talk at all, we don’t have to.

    This us just a light-hearted response to the article. Don’t get too offended 🙂

    • Eve Vawter

      May 31, 2014 at 7:40 am

      awww, I love this. You should have sent it in as a counter post!

      (and now we all wanna get rid of our dumb kids)

    • Fluffy_1

      June 7, 2014 at 5:29 pm

      Summer camp! XD Seriously, a lot of my friends who are mothers are jealous of American mums who get rid of their kids for six weeks in the summer. XD

  34. CrazyFor Kate

    May 31, 2014 at 4:36 am

    As a non-parent (I’m not childfree, but I’m also twenty two and sure as hell don’t want kids yet), I thought this article would be awful, but it was tongue-in-cheek enough that I actually found it quite funny. Sorry for doubting you, Eve…

    • Eve Vawter

      May 31, 2014 at 7:41 am

      awww, hahaha. I just thought it was a funny idea. I think most people know I fully support the CF peoples.

  35. Kol Altai Kray

    May 31, 2014 at 7:52 am

    I wonder if they serve the fish bait breaded in their restaurant!

  36. Nes

    May 31, 2014 at 8:42 am

    I know (hope?) it’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek but it still reeks of insecurity.
    “the fact that I do have
    them makes me all sorts of defensive about the fact I do have them”. Lady, your choices are just as valid as the childfree’s. Why did you feel the need to write that article?
    BTW “We women” not “Us women”. And English is not even my 1st language.
    BTotherW “Childfree” implies choice. People who want kids but don’t/can’t have them are childLESS

    • Eve Vawter

      May 31, 2014 at 11:26 am

      ” us women ” – as with the rest of this, was satire.

      We have many readers without kids who will be happy to argue the semantics of childfree by choice, childfree and childless with you.

      Making a jokey, absurd list isn’t ” defensive” but getting all ragey because you have no sense of humor is.

    • h

      June 2, 2014 at 5:28 am

      Yes, the semantics are interesting… said as someone who realizes the satire but loves a good pondering. What, for example, would I refer to myself (and my boyfriend) as… we currently do not have children and use birth control, but would like to be parents in the future. We have no idea whether or not this will be (biologically) possible. So I suppose that right now we are childfree by choice, but that term sounds more final to me (ie, couples or individuals who desire to REMAIN childfree, which, in the long run, we do not). I guess a whole other category would be childfree-for-now?

    • Eve Vawter

      June 2, 2014 at 9:07 am

      YES! I have seen that used before.

  37. AE Vorro

    May 31, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    I had no idea that Goldfish came in anything except Goldfish flavor. See? We can LEARN from each other!

    • HoolieB

      May 31, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      So many flavors: pizza, white cheddar, bbq, s’mores, fudge brownie, vanilla cupcake, cookies and cream, strawberry shortcake, pretzel, parmesan….I’m sure I’m forgetting several.

    • AE Vorro

      May 31, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      Wow. I’ve never been so impressed and repulsed, all at the same time! I wonder if the flavors were intended to draw in the kids or the parents? I could totally understand adults feeling bored with the original chemical-cheese flavor.

    • HoolieB

      May 31, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      There is also Goldfish mac and cheese. It was just as I had imagined; NASTY! I’m glad I only purchased one box.

    • AE Vorro

      June 1, 2014 at 12:45 pm

      Mind. Blown.

    • Fluffy_1

      June 7, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      As an ignorant English girl, the first time I read about kids eating goldfish, I went “ewww!” and assumed it was the actual fish they were eating. XD Now I know better, I want to try them. XD

    • AE Vorro

      June 8, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      Hahaha, the name is definitely misleading! Personally, I would prefer a real fishy goldfish to the crackers, but the crackers are big hit with kids. If I were you, I’d start with the classic chemical-not-quite-cheese flavor and work my way up. I’m guessing that the cupcake flavor is not for beginners or the faint of heart. 🙂

  38. Grethe Rosseaux

    June 1, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    NOPE. Still nope. But I would love to learn how to do THE FACE…

  39. Childfreela

    June 9, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    I don’t want kids and buy whatever snacks I want and workout whenever I want. I also buy fancy make up and get my hair done. Poor me

  40. Childfree and happier than you

    June 10, 2014 at 12:17 am

    And you’re 100% wrong.

    1: We’re not self righteous jealous witches trolling the childfree boards, belittling and insulting those of us smart enough to not ruin our lives by having kids.

    2: We can buy better snacks and have booze without worrying about some kid getting into them.

    3: We get to sleep in.

    4: We can play with all the toys we bought without some bratty kid breaking them.

    5: We can travel whenever we feel like it and not have to schedule it around school.

    6: We have far more time to do volunteer work and take care of older people therefore we are WAY more helpful than parents. (90% of whom refuse to punish their bratty kids while they’re running around restaurants and stores.)

    7: We don’t have to listen to tone deaf pop tarts like Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus.

    8: We get control of the tv remote.

    9: We can tell people freaked out by us to go f*** themselves without worrying about our non-existent kids repeating the word.

    10: We smell better cause we’re not covered in baby vomit and feces.

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