As for me? This month I definitely said: “No, apples don’t poop.” It seemed so logical until I said it out loud and then I realized – Nope. Ridiculous. My son and I thought pooping apples were so funny that we busted out the crayons and each made our own picture of an apple pooping. So yeah, Dad - I really am using that art degree.
But what about the rest of you? What hilarious nonsense have you been saying to your kids lately? Here are some of the funniest submissions I’ve received this month.
1. “Naked is not a costume.”
Halloween! It’s a time to run around! Score candy! Dress up as anything or anyone! As long as you actually get dressed. My neighbor had to convince her son that he wasn’t allowed to go as “naked” and whatever he wanted to be would at least require pants. Pants - always ruining Halloween.
2. “Your brother’s penis is not a toy.”
It couldn’t be a Momisms post without a penis mention. As a woman, I’ve never had a penis attached to my body, so I obviously can’t understand what makes them so irresistible to boys and men of all ages. As the mom of two boys though, I know at any given opportunity that if I can’t see my son’s hand, it’s on his penis. My friend’s son knows his penis is not a toy; but apparently he thinks his brother’s still is.
3. “Hey buddy, let’s save the dog food for the dogs.”
Why is everything more appetizing to babies than their actual food? My toddler would rather try to eat his shoes, the grocery cart, or even my hair. And, never fail, every time I forget to pick up the cat’s food bowl, my son is running his hands through it, dumping it on the floor or trying to eat it. Not that he’s ever eaten a piece before I could get to him. Nope. Uh uh. I would never let that happen.
4. “Just because the dog poops in the yard doesn’t mean you can too.”
I really, really don’t want to know if this was said after a question or an action. Let’s just hope that this dad didn’t have to pick up after his real baby in addition to his fur baby.
5. “Well, tell your brother that if he has The Power, I said you can have The Power, too.”
It hasn’t been easy for me, but I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to deal with kids is to just be as silly as they are. You’re mad that your brother has a super power? So tell him I granted you one too. After all, if there’s anyone who can bestow super powers, it’s gotta be a parent.
6. “Just drink your milk like a normal person. Just eat your dinner like a normal person. Just put on your shoes like a normal person.”
Oh, lady. I have been there. Why must they drink from the wrong side of the cup? Why must they eat their peas one by one by one? Why must they put their shoes on while laying on their stomachs? Yes, kids learn by trying and exploring, but man, for those of us who don’t want to spend 15 minutes convincing our kids that underwear is not worn on their head, we’d just like them to do something the easy way for once.
7. “My bra is not your hat.”
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one with a bra-hat lover. My son has a second sense for my bras – he knows when they’re hanging to dry; he can find them buried in laundry when I’ve been too lazy to put things away. And as soon as he has one, it’s on his head. The cups are funny ears and the whole thing is too hilarious not to repeat again. And again. And again.
And here are some great ones from the comments section of the last Momisms piece.
8. “Please take the toilet paper off the roll before you wipe with it.”
I guess the upshot to this one is that the kid is actually using toilet paper. I’ve heard from too many friends who’ve had to throw away underwear because they don’t want to wash what was left behind.
9. “If you don't get your feet out of my hair, I am putting your toes in TIME OUT!”
My hair is a constant source of fascination for my sons. They like to brush it, pat it, fluff it, and shape it. As I mentioned, the baby even tries to eat it. I think if either of them decided to comb my hair with their feet, I would definitely have to put those toes in time out too.
10. “You can't take off your toenail, it is supposed to be on your toe. Trust me you will be crying more if you take it off.”
Our bodies are fascinating and strange. Did you know that our fingers and toes grow hard shells called nails? And they exist for a reason? Try telling that to a child who is intent on experimenting with body modification. Let’s hope this kid leaves her feet alone and doesn’t start with the piercings and tattoos quiet yet.
Keep them coming! Leave your Momism in the comments below or tweet me @NoSleepInBklyn
(photo: retroclipart/ Shutterstock)