I'm going to be honest with you; I hate the phrases "pregnant brain" and "mommy brain". I can't really tell you why these two phrases get under my skin the way that they do. It must have something to do with the visceral reaction that I have whenever someone tags "mommy" onto any concept or moniker, because I can definitely get behind the idea of your brain turning to sludge after you have kids, at least temporarily.
There are a few things that I swear I kept "forgetting" to do after my kid was born. In truth, I'm not sure that I forgot about them as much as I did just use my own child as an excuse to not do anything that required a certain level of unpleasantness.
1. See A Gynecologist
I apologized to my gynecologist preemptively because before last year, the last time I went to a lady parts doctor was at my post-partum visit. I had no idea what she would find down there. Turns out, just my genitals. Thankfully.
2. See A Dentist
I also apologized to my dentist. To be completely fair here, I hadn't been to a dentist since before I became a mother, but it just became so much easier to put off after I had a kid. When one of my back teeth sort of, well, crumbled, I couldn't put it off any longer.
3. See Any Doctor, Really
I don't know why, but despite the fact that my own child has never missed a single doctor's appointment, I don't have a general practitioner or family doctor. This is why urgent care was invented.
4. Buy A Bra
I own two bras. A sports bra, and a bra bra. I long for more bras, but with sweater puppets like these, one of my bras costs the same as three pair of shoes for my kid. It just feels wrong to get an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder for myself. Also, I know some people love to shop, but I'm just not one of them. Bra shopping ranks high up on my list of shit I would rather not do.
5. Get A Haircut
My last haircut was in February of 2012. I'm starting to look like a Duggar, so I might have to bite the bullet on this one soon. I keep telling myself I want to try some sweet braids. I never try sweet braids.
I'm told. I love me some showers, but I could understand if someone was like, "eh, fuck it."
7. Talk To Other Adult Humans
I did great at my first post-baby adult get together. I was charming and hilarious and captivating. Until people started leaving and I said something like, "Bye guys! Go nigh-nights now? You goin' nigh-nights? Okay, nigh-night!" Damn you, low alcohol tolerance after a year of not imbibing.
I would never eat. Not on purpose, I would just forget. And then suddenly, right around nap time, I would see half a meatball on the floor under the highchair and be STARVING. I'm not proud of everything I did, but I don't regret any of it.
9. Read Books
Again, to be fair, maybe not everyone reads books like I read books. I need two hours at least to polish off a couple hundred pages or it's not even worth it to me. Once school started two years ago, I spent the entire first day doing nothing but reading.
10. Take Care Of Your Car
I used to be that annoying person that preached the holy gospel of car care. After I had a kid I stopped irritating everyone about oil changes and tire rotations. I mean, I hadn't gotten a pap smear for almost a decade. I value my ladybits more than my car, so that should offer some perspective.
11. Care About Pants
I hesitated to include this because I love pants. Real pants. My day doesn't feel initiated unless there's some denim chub rub going on somewhere, but I'm told this is a low priority for most parents.
12. Salvage Your Dignity
No shower, shoddy bra, Duggar hair, pants optional, and a feral grasp of language around other adults? Yeah, who has time for dignity?