100 Ways You Are Failing As A Parent Right Now
At some point, let’s just agree that nobody ever in the world can ever do anything right, and perhaps no more so than when it comes to personal choices for yourself and for your family. If you’re a parent, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong. Here’s 100 ways you’re screwing up at this very moment. Your kids don’t stand a chance.
- Your kid probably just spit up all over his artisanal bib made from wolf hair
- Your child is wearing hand me downs from her older brother instead of a onesie macrame’d out of placenta
- You didn’t plant the placenta
- You didn’t eat the placenta
- Your kid isn’t in private school
- Your kid isn’t in some sort of Montessori deal
- Your kid isn’t in the first graduating class of a new charter school
- Your kid isn’t setting his own curriculum through unschooling
- Your kid only speaks one language
- Your kid only speaks two languages
- You didn’t teach your pre-verbal kid sign language so she could warn you before she literally shit her pants
- You don’t prioritize your sex life with your partner enough
- You prioritize your relationship with your partner way too much
- You don’t have a partner
- You have too many partners
- No, seriously, let’s talk more about how your love life is making you an inadequate parent
- Your kid spends way too much time alone while you pursue that career
- Your kid very well could be smoking marijuana drugs RIGHT NOW
- Your kid very well could be watching pornography RIGHT NOW
- Your kid very well could be necking with her boyfriend RIGHT NOW
- Your kid very well could be shitting her pants RIGHT NOW (and you weren’t warnedremember, no sign language)
- You don’t make your own baby food
- Your kid ate a frozen meal this week
- Your kid ate six frozen meals this week
- You spent too much time cooking meals for your kids and their stupid unrefined palates didn’t even get it
- You leaned in too far and now your children hate you
- You opted out and now everyone hates you
- Your children feel kind of whatever about you because they’re teenagers
- You vaccinated your children
- You circumcised your sons
- You didn’t circumcise your sons
- Can we talk more about your sons’ genitals? I’m super curious and it’s my business
- You co-sleep
- Your kids sleep in their own rooms
- Your kids sleep on the floor in sleeping bags because they like to pretend they’re camping
- Sometimes, you feel overwhelmed
- Sometimes, you just put your kids in front of the TV so you can get one god forsaken moment to yourself to freeze the gum out of your hair
- You didn’t send Christmas cards this year
- You aren’t keeping a diary of every adorable thing your kid says for them to enjoy when they’re older
- You haven’t made photo albums for each kid for each year of life
- You broke that clay blob your kid claimed was a dog bowl
- You don’t remember the last time you crafted
- You used those fill-in-the-blank invitations for your kid’s birthday instead of personalized butterfly telegrams (these are butterflies that fly to your guests’ homes with the party info inscribed onto their wings in glow-in-the-dark ink)
- The Christmas tree is still up and your kids now have no sense of time
- Your kid is outsmarting your parental controls
- You really hate those soccer games
- You don’t drive a minivan
- You do drive a minivan
- You dress the same way you did before you had children
- You completely adopted #momcore style
- You have no style because being a parent means never taking care of yourself ever #howdareyou
- Your toddler group isn’t the super trendy exclusive one
- Your non-trendy, non-exclusive toddler group won’t contribute anything to your kids’ future college applications
- Your kid has had no college application-worthy experiences
- Your kid hasn’t done any SAT prep and it’s not like he’ll get less busy once third grade starts
- Your kid only studies for the SAT and has no friends and no social life and that’s your fault
- Your kid got a C in dance
- Your kid got an A- in dance. I mean really.
- You fell asleep during your kid’s dance recital
- Your kid insists on wearing a Batman costume every single day
- You have to peel the Batman costume off of her during nap time to try to wash it and then somehow stuff her back into it before she wakes up
- Your kid has picked up your cursing
- Your kid has realized that she gets a hilarious response when she calls people “twats”
- Your kid has started signing her name as “Twat” on all assignments and now her teacher wants to have a conference (but you’re thinking that’s pretty funny)
- You didn’t cook a single meal out of Bon Appetit this month
- You don’t iron
- You’re the primary breadwinner
- Your partner’s the primary breadwinner
- Your kid’s bar mitzvah totally sucked
- You aren’t sure if your kid still wants to be President
- You stayed late at work
- Your idiot toddler ran into a wall and got a bruise all over his face
- You’ve never taken your kid to an art museum so that she’ll become insufferable
- You didn’t make your kids’ Halloween costumes
- You got kind of nervous before having “the talk” and kept accidentally saying “make love”
- You bought your kids condoms once you found out they were sexually active instead of sending them to convents
- You don’t freeze your soups flat and file them
- You didn’t beat your baby body and now you’re horrifying
- You spent time away from your children at the gym because you like going to the gym
- You forgot you grounded your kid and let her go to a karaoke birthday party
- You let your kids dress themselves and they look like idiots
- The elementary school you choose has grades, teaching your kids to value A’s and not effort
- The elementary school you chose doesn’t grade, teaching your kids to be artists/baristas
- The elementary school you chose might focus too much on feelings and not enough on basic skills making your children unemployable in the future
- The high school you want your kid to go to only has a decent sports program. What about soccer?
- You breastfed
- You found breast feeding to be painful
- You went with formula from the start
- You found juggling your twins on both breasts difficult
- You breezed through feeding twins at the same time
- Your car isn’t very nice
- Your car is really, nice. Like, how are you paying for that with three kids?
- You’re a SAH parent
- You’re a working parent
- You’re a single parent
- You’re a married parent
- You were too young when you had your children
- You were waaaaaay too old when you had your children
- You are the parent to an only child
- You have six kids. Cool overpopulation.
Just give up already. You’re doing it wrong.
Photo: Leave It To Beaver