Hoooooo boy. I don’t even know where to START with this one. Now, working on the internet, I’m pretty familiar with satire. Some of it is so well-written, it’s hard to tell if the writer is serious or not. Take The Onion, for example! Onion articles have fooled a lot of people, with often-hilarious results. But sometimes you come across something so outrageous that you honestly cannot tell if the person means what they wrote. Your brain is like, this has to be fake because no one is like this. But then a smaller part of your brain is like, Christ in a basket, there are really people like this out there. This post from someone who calls themselves The Transformed Wife has the internet scratching its collective head over their claim that men prefer virgins, and for good reason. Let me tell you, dear readers, I have some thoughts.
Did YOU know that men prefer virgins without debt and tattoos? Because this was news to me! Me, who hasn’t been a virgin in QUITE SOME TIME, and who has debt and ink in equal measure.
Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men? Unfortunately, there are so…
First of all, the picture and font. I CANNOT. Let’s find the freshest-faced young woman we can, and paste our ridiculous message across the bottom in a font commonly used among middle schoolers! That’ll sell it! Now, let’s get into the meat of the post. Guys, it’s meaty. The blogger responsible for this tripe is Lori Alexander. She’s been married since 1980, and after 23 years of a “difficult marriage”, she decided to let go and let God (that’s the saying, right?). And now she’s spreading her gospel truth about how God can save your marriage. Which is all well and good, the Duggars do it all the damn time, this is nothing new.
But her latest post goes a little, uh, sideways.
Lori writes, “Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men?” I did NOT know that, Lori, please tell me more! Unfortunately, these fresh-skinned virgins are hard to find, because of all the higher edumacatin’ and sloring around women do know. Buncha educated, tattooed whores is what we are.
Lori continues (and this is good, y’all), “There are many more reasons why Christian young women should carefully consider whether or not they go to college, especially if they want to be wives and mothers someday. Secular universities teach against the God of the Bible and His ways. It’s far from what God calls women to be and do: it teaches them to be independent, loud, and immodest instead of having meek and quiet spirits.”
IT TEACHES THEM TO BE INDEPENDENT AND LOUD AND IMMODEST BECAUSE COLLEGE IS THE TRUE EVIL IN THE WORLD!
Don’t send your daughter’s to college, guys. Men prefer virgins, and everyone knows that one of the course requirements for incoming freshman is Sex 101. Also, if I remember correctly from my college days, people jump out at you and tattoo your skin all over campus. In fact, you need a tattoo and at least four sexual partners to get lunch at the cafeteria. Of course, none of this is free, and every tattoo and dude you sleep with comes with their own loan. Don’t they teach this in high school? Seems like important information.
Lori goes on to say that women who go to college are less likely to stay home and raise their kids (assuming they know who the father is, amiright?). While in college, they lose that precious time to learn how to cook for a large family and work in the garden! Also, did you know that if you go to college, you will have kids later in life, and then it might be too late?! IS THAT REALLY WORTH IT TO YOU??! Lori says she can’t understand “how women prefer careers over having precious babies.” I feel like this is the tip of the iceberg of things Lori can’t understand.
So there you have it, ladies. Men prefer virgins. Uneducated virgins with no tattoos or debt. Brb, running out to sleep with the next three men I find, hoping one of them is a tattoo artist who will charge me an exorbitant amount that I will have to put on a credit card. Wish me luck!
(Image: Giphy/BAYERISCHER RUNDFUNK)